Dearest J

To the nicest guy I have ever met on planet earth:

1) Thank you for being there for me when needed
2) I really appreciate the things you did for me now and then
3) I hope you will stay strong and be strong although I am not there by your side
4) If there´s a thing called fate, you can be sure that I will be by your side again
5) I wish you all the best of luck wherever you are
6) Sorry for asking so many questions...I am always curious
7) Sorry for giving weird names like horse and duck to you, I will always be the egg tart no matter what
8) I heard from S what you have told him about me. It´s really flattering. I didn´t know I am worth that much. And yes thank you for liking me
9) Sorry to annoy you sometimes. I know I am annoying. But you like me to be annoying, right?
10) I will explain the theories that I know or found in a better way when there´s chance
11) I never had anyone ever in my life running across countries just to meet up with me. Thank you. I know I ruined your plan a bit but I hope everything is on time. Please Facebook me when you have the chance.
12) There´s no such thing such as egg tart rehabilitation. I created that word so that you won´t get addicted to egg tart. It´s not easy but I know you can do well without your egg tart.
13) I really hope you could be there when I blow the whistle. I do.
14) We missed our duck rice. So you still owe me one.
15) I know you like Madrid. But I don´t. But it´s not about the place that matters. I wish to be in Venice with you. Hopefully.

Day 1 in Madrid

After days of being in Portugal, which is a very nice country, I am finally in Madrid. This place is filled with drunkyards and dirty streets and weird looking people. I don´t really like it here.

Guess who I will be meeting after this? I will be meeting up with someone who changed his world tour plan just for me. He has already changed his plans since Portugal to be with me and now the same for Madrid.

I don´t know what I should do with him. He´s American and I am Malaysian. Pretty far for a relationship. I don´t know...I really don´t.

The thing about me dating white guys, I don´t know either. It just happens.

When I go back to Berlin and then to Malaysia, I would probably be crying again like last year...nearly for the same reason.

So I shall just keep every moment spent with him and my friend here in Madrid. Till then...

I will be going to Barcelona in 3 days time. So See you in Barcelona!!!

Again and again...

He is as sweet as sugar, in fact better than sugar and honey added together
Sadly, we have to part tonight and that's another end to my another sad story in life. Where the fate will bring us? I wish to know...

There's so much in common between us.We even nearly share the same birthdate, we think the same, we like the same things and everything seems to be so perfect, he's like the missing jigsaw puzzle of my heart. I have never fallen for someone so fast in my life.

So there goes,this time in Portugal, I fall for someone, I dated him for 4 days and now it's time to say goodbye. Damn. Savour the moment! That's the only thing I can say.

uhuh

Just a quick note...I am still alive here and yesterday was like another drama day for me

an american guy confessed to me saying he likes me very much and i was like >WTF???


The story is long, it's like fate...everything feels like fate with him

jeeeeezzz...i wish i could tell u more but people are lining up to use this computer, i shall tell more details when i have some privacy.

and now he wants to be with me till his last trip or whatsoever...man....why so many dramas in a day?

Day 1 in Lisbon

At 3am this morning, I was hoping that my friend could exchange my place and be here and I will exchange with him to go to work. I was blur, half awake, half sane, half of me is gone. I can´t remember what happened after that, all I can remember is going through the cold weather to Schoenefeld and then paid 18 euros becoz my luggage was too biggggg..which is bullshit.

And thank you for the nice dinner and that river water. I forgot to finish everything before I go and I was starving like mad once I reached the airport.

I got not enough sleep for 4 days in a row and I m really moodless to go anywhere but to sleep. Then on the airplane on my way here, I slept like a pig for 4 hours. And here I am in Lisbon. I can finally see the sun and it´s amazing how I miss the sun.

Lisbon so far is like San Diego to me but with San Francisco bridge and cabel car. Okay...I shall go do some sight seeing now. Till laters.

Hello Portugal!

Omg Omg Omg!!!

I am scared. I m afraid. Scared and afraid to travel alone to Portugal.

I hope I didn't miss out something in my luggage. I really do.

Okay I have to stop writing now, I am going to have dinner with a friend and then I will go straight to the airport.

See you in Portugal!!!

Problems problems

If I have a million dollars, I will stuck it in the mouth of someone. Seriously...I have been wanting to do that since I was young.

My gawdddddd...Why do some people loves to give me problems when I am away and ask me to do impossible things? I really don't understand. Please leave me in peace and peace shall be upon him/her aswell.

I realised today, that I am not looking for myself. I am actually avoiding some people back home, not wanting to deal with them at all, not wanting to argue or anything.

I want to settle down some place far away from a place I called home.

Repulzzeeeeey

Attention everybody!!!

I am not who I am. I am not the person you knew for the past few years. I can't help it but I think I am not myself anymore.

1) I eat chocolates!!! (My friends knew I don't eat chocolates THAT much)
2) I prefer cooking than sitting in front of the computer
3) I don't have the desire to travel like what I used to do
4) I make fun of myself everytime
5) I drink wine nearly everyday
6) I eat a lot of cheese
7) I jump around like a monkey with my crazy friends as if I am still 18

I think I am going trough some kind of delayed teenage years now. I felt that I have never had a teenage life and now I am living my life like an 18 year old.

Which is gooood! I have been fighting to conquer the world and now I don't feel like it anymore.

And yea...I will be going back to Malaysia in about a month's time. Hmm...should I be happy or should I be sad?

Should I laugh or should I cry? Another stage of life yea? I understand. I will just go with the wind. Where the wind will bring me.

Bla bla bla

Looks like December is the month of breaking up. 3 of my friends broke up with his/her gf/bf after 4-5 years of relationship. Yes, 4-5 years.

I don't know what to say. I am speechless.

And I heard from another friend, that another friend has just broke up aswell. OMG!!!

Some people say staying single is the better. Yeah, if you asked me, I would say, NO. Being single is terrible. But on the bright side, I have no one to report to. No one to nag or fight or be in a emotional roller coaster. On the dark side would be...being lonely, no one to fight with, no one to nag, etc etc.

I am flying to Portugal this coming Monday and I don't know why I didn't feel excited at all. I have no excitement. I am travelling alone. And my dad doesn't know about this either.

Maybe it's the weather, it's making me crazy. I am not normal now. It's been 3 days since I talk and move like a monkey. I can't sit still, I have to jump around and make fun of people. I have to poke fun of my classmates next to me or create new words which doesn't exist in german language such as Baby Maschine, esse-ing, etc etc. And tomorrow gonna be another day in class where the teacher will make fun of me. I don't know why but he loooooooooooooovvvvesss poking fun of me in front of others and I will be speechless and others will laugh till they roll on the floor.

Owh...I need the sun. I need my friends. I need spicy food. I need a good beach. I need authentic asian food. Come let's go to Afrika!!!

Gaining gaining

My friend just bought a digital scale from Saturn and guess what....


I gained 5kgs!!!!!!!!!!!!


Should I laugh or should I cry? Fat is good for the winter but not good for health.

5kgs is A LOT. I wonder what I ate throughout the month?


------------------------------------------------------

This month is a month of breaking up. 2 of my girlfriends broke up with their boyfriend after 4-5 years of relationship. Sad isn't it?

Why why why? I find that relationships are really hard to maintain...so staying single is better. But when the weather is cold and sad like this, it's always better to have someone by your side.

Scary though. Having to go through it. But they are strong enough. My lecturer once told us to be strong with the motto,"You are not my first and won't be my last." Wow! That's like...auch!

But they are strong enough.

Ahh...well....now I have to go back to my studies and work work work before I drain myself dry for the holidays!

Updates

Ahhh...it seems like I have been missing in action for quite a while...

Well well...I have been busy with loadsa loadsa stuff and my time here flies soooo fast like a super rocket.

It's nearly 1am here and I am still not done with my accommodation booking. Owh gosh, I just made a mistake and now I have to send an email to them telling them the mistake. Jeez....I have even paid for it.

And yes, I will be having a week holiday in Portugal and then a week in Spain and then a week in Italy before flying back to Berlin. 3 weeks of holiday!!! Wunderbar!

And I will be very broke by then...

I think I should go to sleep now as I have class tomorrow at 8.30am. Ahhh...classes...

Alive...

Hola!

I am still alive.

My teeth are not getting any better. I think I will have 3 wisdom teeth. The upper side is starting to pain, creating a line which leads to headache.

So whenever my friends start to crack their stupid jokes, I will laugh and then I will stun for a while because I forgot my tooth is aching. And they will laugh at me... :(

This week...nothing much happens here. Boring week. Last week was a blast. WG-Partys here and there and this week is as silent as the night sky. But I will go to another birthday party this Friday. And then on Saturday my friend is going to meet a friend and I have not decide if I wanna go yet. And Sunday, I am free and then there comes Monday again.

And the best part of allllll is......I can't sit for my exam and the exam will be held in February and I have to go back end of January. This can mean that I will have to come back here again and apply for a longer stay visa (over 90 days...maybe 2 years).

People always ask: Why do u have so many exams in Germany?
I would just say,"Unfinised business".

I am happy and sad at the same time. I don't know what I can do anymore. Apart from this, I am spending 90 days here improving my german but on the other hand, I can't sit for the exam. Hmmm...

And also I have been working. Not much. I am too lazy to snap anything these days.

And finally...I miss my dog at home. I did not miss my parents or friends (because they are 24/7 online) but my dog is different from them.

So much of a wisdom

For the very first time in my life...I have toothache.

And I can't eat normally. This is sooooooooo disturbing. I thought I have cavities or something but NO!!!! It's not. It's actually from my wisdom tooth. And I have just discovered that I have 2 wisdom teeth. Wow...so much of wisdom to get 2 wisdom teeth. But my best friend have had 4. So she has more wisdom than me. LOL!

Someone told me that I have to get an X-Ray and then the dentist will decide to pull it out or let it stay. Damn. I have dentophobia. Why do I have to do this?

The pain makes me feel feverish and moody. And I can't smile naturally. And the worst part is I can't eat chewy food. I thought I would never have to go through this stage of having painful gums and the images of dentist carry saws and hammer to chop off that damn thing.

No wonder people can't hear what I say these days. It's either my german/english/chinese is THAT bad or my blocked nose is blocking someting or my toothache is stopping me from saying some words...ah...I don't know.

I hate toothache :'(

Cold

Yes, people I am still alive. I have been very busy lately with my homework and studies and reading and etc etc that sometimes I forgot to blog.

I am on my way to become a philosopher. Or should I say a philosopher in the making.

I have found a new interest in Philosophy and Politics...err...International Relations to be exact.... the exact paper that I took when I was still in uni. But now with a great philosophy lecturer from Humboldt University (the uni where Albert Einstein, Otto von Bismarck, etc etc once studied) I have discovered another side of me which is surprisingly in the field of Philosophy.

I think winter is already here. The chilly cold nights is here again. Time to sleep. ZZzzzzz

OMG OMG OMG

OMG OMG OMG

My clubbing experience in Berlin is BADDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!

I went in to this club (I forgot the name) and suddenly a guy came up to me aggressively and say, "Hello, I like you. You look great tonight."

A few moments later, someone molested my ass.

Then a few minutes later a group of turkish came up to me and talk to me. I looked at them blankly as if I don't understand english or whatever language they say so they move on to my friend. Haha.

And then a group of guys came to me. 5 of them with crocodile's eyes. Yikess!!! I was like SHIT! I am in deep trouble now. And I pretended not to understand a single language again. They are probably from Holland. So they moved on. Oh gosh....

And then upon boarding the train back to my house. I was stopped by a guy,
"Komm Schatz, Komm hier" as he stopped me from going to the front and he molested my ass. And he keeps on looking at me until he stop at his station. Jeeez....

Scary isn't it? It's not like I am wearing anything revealing. I am all covered as it's very cold outside. Compared to what I wear in Malaysia, they shall have nose bleed then. OMG OMG...it felt as if I went to the wrong place and OMG...I couldn't say more.

I shall go to sleep now as I nearly collapsed in the train.

Let's eat!

Today is the day to spoil myself badddddly....

I had so much food today and I felt so happy. Even when I am typing this, I am helping myself with a box of Toffifee. Yummm...

I bought a jar of Cornichorns and I ate it with a can of Herring fish marinated in mustard sauce. Some people may not understand my love for fish. I came from Malaysia, where fishes are meant to be eaten and not as souvenirs. It's been a while since I have fish for lunch/dinner.

And not to mention, that jar of cornichorns will be gone soon in 3 days.

I have not been starving but I felt hungry all the time.

Aha...moving on, I am having butter cookies and I have finished my chocolates with lemon tea.

What shall I eat for dinner? Okay I shall make myself some bread with ham.

My friend said I have hidden emotional problem that can only be solved with food. I have not found the emotional problem in me yet.

Quantum Foodsysics

Use More Brain Power = Use More Calories

Use More Calories = Eat More Food

Hence, I am eating non-stop like nobody's business. Owh....food time.


I am so hungry right now.

My Hidden Dramas, My Life

I believe everything happened for a reason.

And yes, when I know the reason, it came in too late sometimes. Or maybe late enough to make my body shiver.

The moment I stepped out of Berlin Hauptbahnhof, I have expected whatever I have chosen to do/stay/eat/etc etc, do came in with a reason.

And those interesting things that happened to me would be:

1) The building that I stayed for the first few nights in Berlin used to be the the site of the old Reich Chancellery. Yes, the place where Adolf Hitler and his partner, Eva Braun committed suicide. Yeap, from all the areas in Berlin, I chose to stay there. I know Berlin is BIG, but I didn't know the history behind the guesthouse and buildings around it. And sharing the room with random strangers everyday is also an extra point to laugh for.

2) The Doener Shop downstairs (where I stay for the first few nights) is very popular in Berlin as a lot of well-known political leaders ate there before. The owner of the shop is the one who helped us to ring the bell and the staff there has been really helpful to us. My first Doener in Berlin was bought there.

3) My german language lecturer who also happens to be a lecturer in Humboldt Uni is a book fanatic. And he just won a bid for an original book by Albert Einstein which costs him a BOMB. And he will show it to us probably by next week and yes, I get to touch the book and take some photos with the quantum physic bible. Nice.

4) Did I mentioned that I was stuck in a demonstration while visiting some place in Berlin? Yeah, a few times actually. Demonstrations are everywhere here in Berlin. Peaceful demonstration.

5) I got to meet up with a friend in Berlin who happens to works in the German Historical Museum. Wonderful. He showed us around Berlin. Although it was quite brief but it was good enough for my friend and I to know more of Berlin as the both of us are like headless ducks in Berlin. Since then, Alexanderplatz is like my second home. Thank you thank you thank you. I still owe u a Doener. I know. Please set a date and we shall enjoy our Doener with a bottle of coke.

6) I have a list of BEST BUYs that I bought since I arrived here. A few of them should be dictionaries. Oh gawdddd...I bought 2 dictionaries and it costs me 3.95 and 2.95 Euros each. I am talking about those HUGE dictionaries. Ah, I am so happy. And I bought a new pullover for 9 Euros. Happy. And the best part is..I bought a german novel for 1 Euro. Double the happiness.

7) The house I am living right now is filled with things and utensils from the DDR period. With these things here, I am appreciating each and everything around me. This shows me that life is indeed short and I shall live my life to the fullest everyday.

8) My love for history and philosophy and poetry and a few other things which I would never even look at back in Malaysia is growing at a very healthy speed. I didn't know that sometimes I can be THAT philosophical. Which I find it's good. It's like a hidden talent or something.

As you can see, the list will grow longer each day and yes, I shall say that I am already adapting to my new life here.

Is sleeping a sin? I felt so

At 2.30pm I told my friend:

"Please...please wake me up after 10 minutes okay. Today the lovely sun finally came out and I wanna explore Berlin a bit before the weather turns ugly. But I need some nap. I think 10 minutes will do."

At 2.40pm, she woke me up:

"Hey wake up!!!!"

and I replied,

"I don't care if the sun is in or out today. I just wanna sleeeeeep. Please do not disturb me please. Sleep is very important, without a proper sleep I will turn into a monster. Sleeeeeeeeeep!!!"

Amazing, the things I will do for a good sleep. And I just woke up after 4 hours of snoring like nobody's business.

For the past few days, I have been struggling to keep my mind sane due to cramping my head for the right reason of refreshing my mind with loadsa german words till very late at night. And yes, I get little sleep and everyday without fail, I have been waking up very early.

And did you know there are 78 verbs in german for the word of movement (which involves the leg) like walking, galloping, walking like a duck, walking like bear, walking like a penguin, walking proudly, walking like a star...there are so many names for different kinds of walk which are non existant in english or other languages. Ahh...I love this language!

Serves me right. Now that the sun is gone and I am left with dark skies and very cold weather. I should have wake up and explore Oranienburger Tor.

Hmmmm...it's time to be more discipline this week. No afternoon nap.

Time to get smart now...Revision!!!

Oh god!

Since I woke up till now:

- I broke a plate
- I nearly burnt down the kitchen
- I burnt a ladle
- I nearly make the house burst
- I nearly break the sliding toilet door
- I nearly break the cupboard's door

Serious isn't it? What have gone into me?
And I am not allowed to touch anything till I am 100% normal.

Low

I am feeling so low low low low low low....at the moment.

Since yesterday to be exact. If it goes any lower, it will be lower than the Mariana trench.

What is the problem?

Sick

Yeap...sick.
I don't know how or when or what this happened. Maybe because:

A) Carried too many things for the past few days. I am talking about 20kgs everytime, from point A to point B.

B) Not enough sleep

C) Stress (Jeez...headache with the german grammar)

D) Ate the wrong food

I don't know...what's the reason, all I know is that:

I hate to be sick

Endlich...

Okay...I found the washing machine. With a lot of other things aswell. I got lost inside that bungalow. But me and my friend live outside the bungalow. In order to wash our clothes, we have to go inside and get ourselves lost for a while.

And my tenant is already match-making me with another tenant. My first day here is all about him. Match-making me in every single way. Oh gawdddd!!! Why am I so dumb to tell her that I am single. Jeez...dumbness!

She keep on saying, "Mocco ist noch ledig. Er hat keine Freundin. Mach Abendessen fuer ihn."

Yeah rite, as IF I am THAT nice to make someone I don't even know...dinner.

Ahh...I am so tired now. I move 25kgs of luggages (for the 2nd time) from Mohrenstrasse to Biesdorf and walk 350m to my rented place. And then move 3 piece of huge furniture in and out of the room and clean the house and wash the clothes with my bare hands! My back is killing me. Great! I am strong.

Now that my place is ready for guest. Welcome to my new home. It's perfect....Just that a bit far from the city centre.

I shall go and cook now. Hungry like mad.

My new home

Ohmmmmmm....


My new place is situated very far away from the city. I need to take about 45 mins of public transport to reach the city centre.

But that place is like a 5-star place to live. And the best part is I couldn't find the washing machine. What is it with my luck with washing machine?

Owh...I felt so uncomfortable right now.

Did I mention the area is filled with old people? Yesterday a very horny-looking old man with a black dog winked at me and he stalked me till I reached the S-Bahn stop. Jeez....creepy.

I think this is what I am going to do.

- leave the house early in the morning for class
- come back as late as I can
- the house is just a place to cook, sleep and clean myself

I thought the furthest place I have ever been to is San Francisco...but no...this place felt like the furthest place I have ever been to EVER.

I asked 10 Berliners where is this place. No one knows until they goggled it.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Moving...moving

Yeap...I am moving to my new home today. Only apart of it because we have already booked to stay in this guesthouse till tomorrow. But we will be moving a lil bit of our luggage to the new home today.

We have unpacked our luggage and guess what? Out of 40kgs, around 15kgs are food. I am talking about each of us. Which means 30kgs of food.

Crazy.

I think the food that my mum made me to bring is already 10kgs. And the pot that she wants me to bring with. It's a magic pot. Actually it's a food warmer.

Till then...I shall be posting up some new photos of my new home. There's a swimming pool there as told by that person who rented it out to me.

Toilet drama

Well well...let me tell you the experiance of living here.

Numero uno, me and my friend always get to see naked people in the toilet. Why?

BECOZ THEY DONT LIKE TO LOCK THE DOOR!!!

This morning, that guy was peeing and I was rushing in to change my clothes and he was there...doing his business. Awwwwwww....

And then there's another guy in the shower and my friend rushed in and ran back out shouting. Should I laugh?

Who was that?

It was around 9pm something when I felt very very sleepy.

I hit the bed and slept.

I heard someone's snoring and I thought it was my friend's snore. She was sleeping on a bed on my left but the snore came in on my right. And I was right. There's a man sleeping on my right side.

Shit! I told myself. What is going on this time?

I kicked my friend so she would wake up and we sneaked to the kitchen.

"Who's that sleeping next to me?" I asked

"I don't know. But I know someone is sleeping next to you," she replied.

With eyes half shut, brain half shut and everything half shut, I can't think of anyone.

Good Ol' Berlin

After days of traveling across continents and seas and mountains and etc etc...we finally arrived in Frankfurt airport.

And yes...with more 40kgs each.

And it took us a lot of energy to drag those up the train, down the train, up the escalator, down the escalator, up the this and that to Berlin.

And the best part is, a lot of people didn't know that we speak and DO understand German, so they started to talk about us in front of us and we pretended that we know nothing and don't understand a thing but our ears are like anthena, waiting for the signals.

"I guessed she's just 22 years old. From which country, I don't know."

"She is rich. Look at her luggage bags, they are all branded."

"I think they are from Malaysia. Look at their luggage tag, there's a K-U-L there."

"They are smart. They know the train system very well. Normally tourists don't know these."

"They come from rich families in Asia. That's why they are here."

Wow...I never had so much fun eaves dropping at what people say. We just laughed at ourselves.

And along the way, we met a lot of nice people, who are nice enough to help us drag two 30kgs up the train and down the train. Somehow, it's just soooo embarrassing to carry so many things.

At the mo, we are living in a guesthouse, sort of an inn, sharing the house with a half german-italian. For 6 Euros, what can we expect? It looks great and it's cozy. And that's more than enough.

My eyes are like big light bulbs now. Although I am lack of sleep and food. I am still very wide awake and I feel like jumping in somewhere. But my friend is snoring at the end of the room. She has been sleeping non-stop everywhere from the plane to this place. Amazing.

And she told me she loves Berlin so much, she wants to settle down here. She don't want to go back to Malaysia.

But I am still feeling normal at the moment. Not as fanatic as her for Berlin. Yesterday we had our very first Doener. And I didn't feel anything special about it. I was eating that with my eyes half closed.

Let's see what I should do today. Repack my luggage again. I m going to bring out all those things that need to be posted. That about 3kgs already. And then my mother's food. She forced me to take all those things here.

And then as usual, explore Berlin like what I did last time and all the time.

And then...well I don't know. Sleeeeeep...

I hate it

I hate it when I am about to leave the country...

1) Someone said he misses me very much and asked me not to go. Yeah...FUCK YOU...

2) Someone said he would actually like to hug me in his arms but he don't dare to do it...I say FUCK YOU...


Sorry for being so vulgar. But I just can't stand it. Since I got back, all I have is problems with men of all ages. These 2 men have been bothering me since they got to know that I will be leaving.

If they really like me, they should tell me. I am in Malaysia. Where the guys woo the girls. Not me telling them how I feel. Shame shame.

We shall see what happen tomorrow. Maybe another one will come and tell me not to leave.

Suddenly I felt so "wanted by some people" even I am not pretty and fat. Ugly girls like me get into a lot of relationship troubles aswell.

Ignore me. At the moment, I am not happy with some people.

Tick tock

"Waahhhhhh!!! You are very early today!!!"

"Wow, why so early?"

Everyone on my contact list has been asking me the same question again and again this morning.
I know I am not a morning person, but I DO wake up early right?

Actually, I have not sleep yet...

I don't know why. It seems like my mission to change my body time zone to European time zone has gone nuts. And now it is following the time of California.

-----------------------------

Yesterday I had dinner with my aunt and also at the same time babysitting my cousin brother...playing lego bricks. I built a bungalow for him and he promised that he won't destruct it till I come back. We shall see how many days the thing can last.

Tonite I am going to have Japanese Shabu Shabu. A treat from my friend's family, sort of a farewell party for the both of us. Tomorrow I will be having dinner with my uni mates, also sort of a farewell thingy...maybe some Indian food as it is Deepavali tomorrow.

And on Tuesday, shall be my family dinner of Chinese food with my papa and mama and my sisters before they send me off to the airport. If my grandma is here she will be crying at the airport after sending me off. But if my grandma is here, she will cook my all my fav dish before I go. Owhh...homesick. I meant foodsick.

But grandma has new interest now. When the big baby (which is obviously me) fly away, this cute lil one will be the substitute.



She is of 3 nationalities. Australian, Indonesian and Malaysian. With 1/4 of Thai Blood, 1/2 of Indo-Australian, 1/4 Malaysian Blood with Chinese ancenstry.

And I am the one honoured to give her her middle name. Hehe.

Moving Mountains

Packing and unpacking luggages has always been an amazing experience for me since I was young. Especially for long term stay. But this time is different. I have never leave Malaysia for more than 3 months in a row. So practically, I am bringing a lot of things which I can't live without to that new place I am going to call home for a few months.

I thought I have already packed all my stuff inside the luggage but things keep on coming in and I can't stop packing until today.

Now I am wondering, how am I going to carry 40kgs++ of luggage from KL to Frankfurt and then to Berlin. I have 40kgs++ and my friend also has 40kgs++. That's equivalent 80kgs++ of things. Which is like the weight of an average man. And when we reached Berlin, from the train station to the hotel and then after 3 days, to the rented place.

I dare not imagine what's gonna happen.

Pack light. Yes, I am packing essentials. Not even what I want, it's all what I need. Phewwww....we shall see what happen.

Lesson learnt

After 3 days of babysitting my friend's cousins, I realized something:

- I don't like kids THAT much afterall.
- My life has not begin yet, so I have no plans to become an au-pair or babysit anyone's child or have kids of my own in the near future
- Kids makes me grumpy
- Having to take care of spoilt brat is worse than jumping into a pool filled with crocodiles
- 3 days of sleepless nights is enough to make my volcano erupt
- I prefer to be alone
- No matter how good I am in handling small little kids, I will run-away after Day 4

It's not about physically tired. It's about mentally tired.

I ran for 2 days in and about the amusement park. They want roller-coaster rides, okay...I go with them. They want jumping machines, okay I go with them, they want boat rides, okay I go with them, they want to play bumper cars for 20 times a day, okay I go with them. I do whatever I can in whatever rides they want to ride. The thing that I can't stand most is when they start to cry/ throw tantrums/ kicking things around/ refuse to eat/ play with food/ sulk/ blaming other people/ begging to buy things.

That's when I wanted to eat them alive. But I can't. And they are other people's kids. Soooo....*breathe*

Sorry, no more babysitting in the near future.

Thank you my lovelies!

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

...for the surprises
...for the wishes
...for the presents
...for the food
...for the time spent with me
...for the birthday cake
...for the pizza, bread, etc etc
...and Dad for the credit card
...and Mum for the pot
...and Sis for bearing my bad temper during dinner
...and Ms. Ilona for letting me to rent the lovely apartment with swimming pool in Berlin
...and the person who sent the letter

and all my lovely friends who made my day.

Yes, I have finally joined the club. The club for "old people" like me now. Haha. Now I can't boast that I am the youngest amongst my friends. Huhu.

Ain't that bad. I refuse to celebrate my birthday since a few years back because "someone" made me cry on my birthday for 2 consecutive years. And luckily for now, he's not in my life anymore. Phewww...I felt so BLESSED.

So I felt totally happy today.

Thank you once again!

Hearty Soup Recipes

I love soups. Regardless of thickness, texture and colour. I love 'em.

Before I lose these recipes. I shall blog it here.

WHITE BEAN AND ITALIAN SAUSAGE SOUP
Make a meal of this hearty soup by serving it with slices of olive or focaccia bread.
Preparation time: 20 minutes
Cooking time: About 35 minutes
Makes: 4-6 servings
2 Italian sausages
1 Tbsp olive oil
1/2 medium onion, diced
1/2 medium green bell pepper, diced
1 large garlic clove, minced
2 1/2 cups chicken stock
1 (19-oz.) can white kidney beans, drained and rinsed
1 (14-oz.) can diced tomatoes
1 tsp dried oregano
1/2 tsp granulated sugar

Grill or roast the sausages until cooked through. Cool to room temperature and then slice thinly. Heat the oil in a pot set over medium heat. Add the onion, bell pepper and garlic, and cook until softened, about 3-4 minutes. Mix in the sliced sausage and remaining ingredients, bring to a simmer and simmer 15 minutes. Season with salt and pepper and serve.


CURRIED CARROT AND PARSNIP SOUP
Mild curry powder gives a subtle taste. If you like things spicy, use hot curry powder.
Preparation time: 15 minutes
Cooking time: About 20 minutes
Makes: 4 servings
2 Tbsp vegetable oil
1 1/2 cups carrot, cut into 1/4 inch cubes
1 1/2 cups parsnip, cut into 1/4 inch cubes
1/2 medium onion, halved and thinly sliced
2 Tbsp flour
2-3 tsp curry powder
3 3/4 cups chicken or vegetable stock
* salt to taste
1/4-1/3 cup yogurt
1 green onion, thinly sliced

Heat the oil in a pot set over medium heat. Add the carrot, parsnip and onion, and cook until softened, about 4-5 minutes. Mix in the flour and curry powder and cook 1-2 minutes more. While stirring, slowly pour in stock. Simmer the soup 10 minutes, or until the carrots and parsnips are very tender. Purée the soup in a food processor or blender, or in the pot with a hand-held immersion blender. Return the soup to a simmer; season with salt. Ladle the soup into bowls. Top each bowl with a spoonful of yogurt and a sprinkling of green onion.


CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP
Feed a cold with this comforting chicken soup.
Preparation time: 15 minutes
Cooking time: About 25 minutes
Makes: 4 servings
2 Tbsp vegetable oil
1 (7-8 oz.) boneless, skinless chicken breast, cut into small cubes
1/2 medium onion, diced
1 celery rib, quartered lengthwise and thinly sliced
1 small carrot, quartered lengthwise and thinly sliced
4 cups chicken stock
1 - 1 1/2 cups egg noodles
- salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste
1 Tbsp chopped fresh parsley

Heat the oil in a pot set over medium heat. Add the chicken, onion, celery and carrot and cook 5 minutes, until the vegetables are softened and the chicken is just cooked through. Add the stock, bring the soup to a simmer, and simmer 10 minutes. Add the noodles, return to a simmer and cook until noodles are tender, about 8 minutes. Season with salt and pepper; stir in the parsley and serve.

Chumba Wamba

Hmm...yeah.

I am:

- in pain
- happy
- sad
- dissapointed
- excited
- sleepy

Seriously in pain. Never before I had such a bad tummy ache. Serves me right.

"Eat what you need, not what you want"

We need only limited space of living

Yeah, since my grandma is living her life now in the land Down Under. She left me with this house to take care of and I think this house is too big for me in every single way.

Being human, we only need a bed, a kitchen, a living room and bathroom. That's enough.

2 days back, I saw a mouse near the fridge. Die. A mouse. Means this house is not clean enough. I will be in deep trouble if my grandma knows about this. Where the hell the mouse came in from? I have got no idea at all. The house is cleaner than 2 months ago, since she left it to me. Jeez. Impossible.

Today, I saw a black shadow. Being curious, I look closer. The thing is looking at me with it's green eyes. I screamed. Then I walk closer. It's a black cat. Damn it. And where did this cat came in? And it ran away. And then it stopped halfway and stare at me again. And I screamed again. Then it ran away.

The answer is, through the porch from the front door.

Ohh my gawddd...they know I must be bored living alone so they came and accompany me.

Maybe 2 days later I will find an elephant sitting in my living room watching tv.

A few months back, a squirrel came in and got lost and jumps back to the garden.

The only animal I like is dog. I don't like cats, mouse, squirrels and etc etc. So please leave me alone.

---------------------------------------

Btw, I am still waiting for the letter to arrive. It's amazingggggggg....how far the letter has to travel to reach Malaysia.

Burp

Yeap!

I am still standing.
.
.
.
But only after half a bottle of Heineken. I dislike that place that place so muchhhh I wanna leave as soon as I got there.

That place is filled with old men in their 40s. You can see that they have no life other than going there every single day and sing sad songs on the karaoke.

One thing good is that I realized that my life isn't so pathetic afterall. Since they are more pathetic than me. At least I have got my own mission and vision.

Felt like throwing up now. Maybe because this is the very first time I had beer since I got back.

And guess what? I am so damn hungry right now I can eat a cow.

Anti-social

Congratulations!!!

I am already one.


Signs that shows that I am already one:

- hate big crowds
- dislike meeting new people
- prefer to stay at home
- prefer to cook
- prefer to download and watch movies instead of going to the cinema
- avoiding big social events (because I think everyone is fake)
- avoid being linked with any guys
- prefer to keep quiet or not responsive towards questions asked by others
- prefer to appear offline than appearing online (that makes sense why I am always offline these days)
- prefer to keep quiet even if I know the answers
- prefer not to argue with anyone. World Peace.


Okay...enough said. Now I am going to a pub with my girlfriends. Let's see of that is really true.

I am still waiting...

Where's my letter?

When can I get my apartment?


Waiting for these 2 things to happen is like Mission Impossible. Everyday, I am doing the same thing of waiting and waiting and waiting for the letter to arrive and replies from my prospective place to stay.

--------------------------------------------------------------

*yawn*

I am so sleepy. But I just woke up. Yeah, I just woke up at around 9.00 pm. Guess I will be heading back to bed now. *yawn*

Ohmmm

Looks like there are only 2 things left to do.

1) Look for a place to stay for 3 mths
2) Pack my luggage

Number 1 is a bit hard to do as many prefer long term contract of 1 year. Which is nearly impossible as I don't know where I will be heading after this.

Maybe I will be thrown to another state or maybe I can stay. I hate to move sometimes but I guess there are things that you can't avoid. Time will tell.

My friend found a place to stay. With a lecturer. And she's not happy with it. Imagine living with a lecturer where you're indirectly forced to speak perfect german, and practice german grammar everyday and all about the language day and night. It sounds good to me as she can practice and push herself for exam.

Me on the other hand...still waiting for replies and letters.

Wish me luck!

Simple Q&A

Say YES, please say YES. A YES is like the greatest thing that will happen to me this month.

If it is a YES, you are saving the world. Why? Because you save 2 pathetic lives from sleeping on the streets of Berlin this coming November.

-------------------------------------------------

Life simplest questions not answered.

1) Buy or not to buy?
2) Go or not to go?

Should I or should I not?

Let's talk: Nightmares

If I wrote down all the nightmares I had for the past few weeks and turn it into blockbuster thriller, I will be darn rich by now.

Yesterday was a good one. 3 times of continuous nightmares which are all about murders and assassination. Murder who? Assassinate who? Me of course. It seems like the people in my dreams like to kill me for no reason and that I am so used to these scenes of getting killed and being killed, etc etc etc. It's a norm to go along with the dream and let other people kill me.

Whenever I am having a series of bad luck/unfortunate events, I will have these kind of stupid dreams that I can't avoid.

But when I am having streaks of good luck, I will be having a lot of good luck. And I will be having dreams such as having a nice holiday somewhere on planet earth. So it means there are no such thing such as moderation in my life. Either good or bad. Sad rite?

Gosh...tonight I am going to sleep and dream of being killed again...



x

Help me

What will happen if:
....everything goes wrong?







Cry!


Nah...problems come and go like the rain, right? I hope so. It seems like my kind of rain didn't really go and keep on coming in like a big thunderstorm or something.

My head gone haywire right now as problem flood in like nobody's business. And the best part is, no one can help me but myself. T__T

Time to change

Should I or should I not:

- get that smart phone?
- fly to St. Petersburg?
- slap someone?


I know I have turned into a very aggressive monster lately. I can't help it. I just can't. Staying nice just don't help.

-----------------------------------------

I nearly burn down the kitchen yesterday. Sometimes, I am a bit hopeless when it comes to action in the kitchen.

Worthless

Ok, great. So....now... at least I got back my payment from my previous boss (the one where I have to open doors) but the payment was slashed into half of the supposed amount. Damn it.

I am furious but still okay. After all I don't want to see them or keep in contact with them. Working there was my life's biggest misery. And still is.

Now that I am in a roller coaster ride, I felt like puking and I am having headache and dizziness because of this.

Okay fine. I am not going to calculate so much with nonsense.

Okay fine to everything. It's okay. Let it be. I am mentally tired of nonsense and stupid delays and stupid people and stupid excuses. Fine.

Do whatever they want, I am not bothered. I can't control the amount of sickening people over-crowding my zone, I am seeking for a way out.

On the bright side, at least I get to shorten my checklist which is getting longer and longer day by day.

Now I shall live my life to the fullest. What shall we eat today? Roast lamb with black pepper sauce served with mashed potatoes and peas? Yumm...and throw in a bowl of mushroom soup. And end it with ice-cream crepe. Simple but tantalizing.

I am losing weight now. So I don't mind chunking all the fat in my body. Whenever I am back at my parent's house, I will gain weight. But now I am losing my appetite to eat as there're so many things to be done and so little time.

Tell me everything is going to be okay. I will be darn happy.

Checklist

- Air tickets [checked]
- Accommodation for the first 3 days [checked]
- Course fees [checked]
- Travel Insurance [pending]
- Luggage of 30kgs [half checked/pending]
- Money in Euros [half checked/pending]
- Books [pending]
- Credit card and other useful cards [pending]
- Accommodation for long term stay [half pending]
- University stuff [pending]
- Letter of acceptance [pending]....this is the letter that will arrive from Mars. Hence, the waiting time.
- Mentality to survive the winter [checked]
- Monetary problems in Malaysia [special case] (I can't do anything if people don't pay me but to wait and wait and wait)
- Mentality to grow fat and not bothered about it [errrrr...not sure]


That's for now. Hopefully everything will be [checked] by 20th of October.

+ve

Thank you for all who gave me the well wishes and support.

I am okay now I guess.

My friends are not happy with this at all. 3 of them are so down and when I see them like this, I did felt something. I felt sad as well.

No one will say life is easy but we still have to go on. This is not the first time problems come to me like a hurricane. I have had my series of unfortunate events a few years back, a series of unwanted dramas on the road a few months back and everything will be fine I guess. I am trying to be very positive now.

I believe there will be sunshine after the rain. Unless the sun has gone missing from our solar system. That would be DOOMSDAY.

I am not afraid. If I can survive 3 years of uni life which is like tougher than working life with classes from 8am to 8pm and all the unwanted attention from lecturers and troubles given to me during that time. With people around me who always give me problem regardless of age, place, ethnicity, etc etc and with my luck of getting into trouble all the time because of my clumsiness or other people's fault. I believe I can pull through this one.

All I need is time to figure this out and be happy. Yes, happy is the word.

So it depends on me now on how I manage my time. And how to avoid the abundance of national holidays in Malaysia.

Focus, positive. Focus, positive.

Yeap, that's all I need.

Stay focus and be positive.

Okay, now I should feel better and happier. Time to move to Plan B. If this Plan B fails there's Plan C and D till Z. After Z there's still Z1 till Z1000000. So yeah, I shall take a hot shower now and forget about all those things that happened today. Yes, forgive and forget. I will have a happier life. No grudges, no vendetta, no vengeance.

Where?

I told myself not to take any flights from that airline again. But...because it's cheaper than others...*sigh*...I am taking another flight with this airline again. Because it's way way way cheaper and er....well...cheap. Okay the conclusion is, it's a lot cheaper compared to others.

I am set to fly on the 29th of October at 0030 hrs and I will be reaching Frankfurt Airport on the 29th morning. And then linger around for a while before heading to Berlin with my favourite ICE train. I hope I will still be sane when I reach Berlin.

Another choice would be taking British Airways which offers an insanely crazy route from KL to Hong Kong then to London then Berlin. Pheww....that's like ages to reach Berlin.

------------------------------------

A lot of things happened during this month. I nearly lost hope. I nearly give up. I nearly whack someone.

Today, someone at the Embassy pisses me off. Just because I am honest enough to tell her I am paying for my expenses in Germany. Ok. What is the problem of me financing myself to study in Germany? Is that a big problem? She was expecting an answer like,"My dad will finance everything". Maybe because I look young like a small kid and that I can't afford to pay for anything yet in my life. And most importantly, she's not even a german or anything but a typical chinese. I hate the way she look at me and say things sarcastically and yet I am still smilling. And the best part is in front of everyone at the Embassy. It's really embarassing but I keep cool.

I don't blame my bad luck (or whatever stupid power it is) to be humiliated like that.

And I still remember her face of telling me, "You won't be able to fly to Germany this year". WHATTTT!!! No way, I paid for everything already, so now another way would be coming back after 90 days there (as a tourist) and then fly back there again for another 90 days until I get my student visa. Yes, people, you will be seeing me during Chinese New Year because I am flying back.

It will take about a year to apply for a student visa including all those things like opening another bank account there, financial proof that I won't run away and marry a german there, etc etc. OMG...why am I being treated this way? Logically speaking, why would I want to become an illegal immigrant there when I am a Malaysian (in a country where there're loadsa good food, still underpopulated, cheap food and most importantly food are available everywhere for 24 hours?) I will be there just to sit for that very important exam because I got into this branch of studies and that I can't turn myself anywhere but to look forward.

I swear to God another lady was way way way nicer than she is, she didn't even look at my documents and gave me a very rude look. OMG. I hate her. The another lady was nice enough to give me information on things that I should do.

Yeah, once again, this is just another thing that happen everyday here. So it's practically nothing to be sad of.

I felt like an asylum seeker now. I don't know why am I doing this... just because that particular exam paper? Is it wrong to have a passion for someting in my life? Is it wrong to look forward? Is it wrong to at least achieve something small in my life?

I really sacrifice a lot for this paper. Seriously. I was dissed by a lot of people in my life. They say:

1) With that amount of money u are going to spend there, why don't you buy a house here?
2) Why do you want to go there at this age? You should settle down with someone and get married and have kids? (OMG...this is impossible)
3) You can do a lot of things with that amount of money in Malaysia, why waste it on a piece of paper? You are indeed stupid.
4) You're stupid. So stupid. What will that paper give you? Gold?

You see...that's the mentality of the people around me, it's all about money. To them money is their life and soul. Not only I have to be brave and deter myself from getting hurt because of their words, I have to settle everything myself. From A to Z. It was indeed tiring. But that is what I will do to get someting I want in my life.

You see, everyone has different dreams. Mine is pretty simple actually. After one level, I will go to another level to make myself a better person or be in a better position. Money is also important to me but not till the extent that I will buy a house here and get myself tied down with the mortgage for now.

I want a spanking new car aswell but I feel that my personal achievement is much more important that material things like that.

Why can't anyone suport me emotionally?

After graduation, I lost myself. I don't know what I want in life anymore. I lost the motivation to go on. This is not me. I can't be opening doors for life. I can't be in that position for life. I can't be staying at the same spot for life. I was really not happy that time.

At the end of the day, I found myself tied to my passion for the world of languages. It's a beautiful world to me with endless possibilities. That's when I decided to improve my proficiency although my english has gone bad...really bad compared to years before.

Things became bad when people start to compare you with other people, "Oh you see that 2nd/3rd/[insert any number here] cousin of yours, he/she is so clever/capable/[insert any adjective here], at your age, he/she is [insert any achievements here]. Yada yada yada...

Tired of these bullshit. I really am.

If I could see the future in front of me, I will be telling them stories or make a movie out of it.

All I want is just a simple pat on my shoulder and tell me everything is going to be alright.

Bored

I am bored like madddddd

I am really really bored

Although I just came back from tea with my friends I am really bored now

I waited too long for that damn letter that I feel that I am 30 years old now. When is that letter gonna arrive? I thought I told them to send me an express mail and I paid 40 Euros for it. Why is the letter not arriving yet?

OMGGGG...This is really testing my patience.

----------------------------------

My nightmare of people dying around me is here again. Whenever I close my eyes for a nap, nasty dreams like people killing themselves or dying just like that around me is here again. And of course I am going crazy again. Why do I have to have such dreadful dreams like this. It's been nearly a week now. Imagine, every night, u dream of people dying. How pathetic is that?

Why do people have to die in front of me in my dreams?

Babies babies

Awwww....my uncle is now a dad. And I saw the baby's pic and she is soooooooo cute. And she shares the same birthdate with my best friend. Wahahaha.

And I am honoured because they gave me the honour to name their baby's middle name. Ain't that sweet...

My uncle always asked me, "So when is your turn?"

And I will always answer, "What turn?"

He will definately says, "Your turn to get married and have babies laaah"

And I will give him a blank look like this O____O

...because I know I won't make a good mother for now. I am not committed to be one yet.

A lot of my attached friends are planning to get married in 3 years time, while me on the other hand, am planning to feed leaves to the girraffes in Africa or sand boarding somewhere in the world in 3 years time.

But looking at those baby photos makes me feel that I would like to have one now. Maybe this is another syndrome of my so-called quarter life crisis. Rite?

Never ever

One reason why I like to blog here.

It seems like there's a magical power within this blog that will help me whenever I felt I am in a mess.

That girl didn't give me any information that I need for the contract. So I google-ed for the company and I found it and I sent them a mail and I am looking forward for their reply tomorrow. I am now in a never-give-up-even-you-have-to-eat-bread-for-one-whole-month mood.

As for the school, I will again give them a call and I will then see what will happen after that. So for now I will deal with these 2 things first before I start to solve those remainding 7 problems.

People say my life is very interesting moving from one country to another or missing in action as much as I like. I think they will probably cry when they are in my shoe. The amount of things that happen in between are countless and only one thing that keeps me going... is only the never-give-up-even-you-have-to-eat-bread-for-one-whole-month motivation. The best part is to deal this alone when no one can help you. Sometimes I would really want to thank my parents for bringing me up this way of throwing me to the outside world without giving me any moral or financial support.

So for now, no matter what happen, I will be sticking to my never-give-up-even-you-have-to-eat-bread-for-one-whole-month motivation until I reach Berlin.

I know even when I reach Berlin, the house will give me problems and a lot of other problems. That's another chapter of my life, so just wait and see.

I will never-give-up-even-I-have-to-eat-bread-for-one-whole-month!!!

Major Headache

I am having a really great headache now.

I have never encountered so many problems dealing with things like this ever in my life.

First the person in charge of renting the house to me, is very irresponsible. Why? Because she didn't reply my emails and sms. And also the place looks very...hmm...how do I say this...messy? It's okay with the great cleaning power of my friend's hand, she will turn this house squeaky clean and with the great bargaining power of mine, hopefully I will be able to turn this place into a comfortable and more "live-able" place with better furniture and utensils.

Second, that damn school haven't replied my emails aswell regarding the deposit payment that I have made last week. When I called the office in Berlin yesterday, she said that the person in charge is on holiday and will be back today. And when I ask my friend to called today, that same woman said that she will be on holiday till next week. What is this?

Thirdly, without the letter from that school, I won't be able to go to Germany on time due to my Visa application.

Fourthly, since my bosses haven't pay me yet, looks like I will have to eat bread till they pay me.

Fifthly, without the letter, I won't be able to get student price flight ticket to Germany. And so now I will have to wait till I get that damn letter.

Sixthly, when I am having so many things in my mind, some people just love to annoy me and make me angry. So, yeah, now I am still being patient.

Seventhly, my Fixed Deposit is stuck there until end of this month, which means I will have to eat more bread to survive.

Eigthly, with the magical power of stress, one big pimple popped out and this is the largest pimple I have ever got in my whole entire life on my face. It's no only painful but it is also very big and makes me even uglier. So now, when I woke up, I look at myself in the mirror, I see a ghost, which makes me even sadder.

So now, I am goign to eat more bread and have more pimples popping out while waiting for that damn letter to arrive, that girl to reply me and my bosses to pay me.

!@#$%^

If I have the chance:

1) I would really love to chop some annoying and troublesome people into pieces and feed it to the dogs.

2) I would not want to come back here. I would wanna spend every single 4-6 months in a new country till I die. If not I will die sooner before my expiry date.

3) I would really love to slap some people on the spot but being me of course, I have never slap anyone before, so it's nearly impossible to do so. But I wanted to slap someone so badly now. I am fumingly furious that my head is going to burst soon and my blood is boiling.





I am indeed ANGRY and FURIOUS

OMG...my stomach is going to burst soon.

I went out with my best buddy just now for Korean food and we eat non-stop from 8 pm-ish till about 10 pm-ish. I felt so full right now and I feel like I am carrying a heavy load inside my tummy.

We did eat like a man. We had a lot of side-dishes and a lot of tea.

Too bad we didn't bring our camera with us, if not you can really see the amount of food we consume in a matter of 2 hours. It's pretty amazing. I am impressed with my performance of eating THAT much.

I think the table next to us must be thinking that, "These girls are mutants, look at the amount of food on their table".

Now I have to stop writing as I have a very important mission to settle.
.
.
.
.
.
THE TOILET

Hunting

My stomach still feels very funny today. Like I said, serves me right. I shouldn't have eaten so muchhhhhh T__T

My aunt was pretty nice today, she bought me a Calvin Klein Jacket and a pair of sleeping pants. And that mischievous nephew of mine is also pretty nice today pestering his mother to let me have lunch at their house but I can't make it because I have got tonnes of things to do today.

I am still looking for a house in Berlin. My budget is Euro 500 and it must have internet and a decent kitchen. Without the kitchen I will cry. Without internet I will be lifeless. I don't mind if there're no bed and a mattress will do. Internet is more important than my bed or my toilet. Actually toilet is also important. But a clean one will do. And a washing machine will be perfect.

Hmm...now that my friend is joining me to Berlin, I felt happier. At least she can cook better than me and her hobby is washing clothes and cleaning the house because she said by doing so it relieves all her stresses. And hopefully my another friend will be able to make it there as well. She also loves cooking. Looks like all my friends loves cooking but I love my laptop and internet and also not forgetting my camera more than any other thing in the world.

I am still waiting for that letter from Berlin. Damn. All my life I have been waiting for letters and etc etc. Patience is the word.....Patience....

Painnnn

I am lying on my bed typing this.

My stomach is reacting in such a weird way that I can't walk or talk normally.

Serves me right.

Too much food today.

Nonsense

I m gaining weight

Yes, I am gaining weight....like a LOT

I am eating like nobody's business because I know I wont be able to eat my favorite food when I am there already...

Hmm...good or bad?

----------------------------------

I have been lost for nearly 2 months now. Why am I so lost like this? I don't know. Referring to my old blog entries, I see myself as someone who always have plans, activities and etc etc. Now I am just a plain boring one living on earth wasting oxygen and polluting the world.

And making the world a less peaceful place with climate change and global warming. And also sound pollution and also water pollution...and all the other pollution in the world.

I think I am going nuts if I don't do something about it. I need to do something productive. Hmmm...

Producing babies are productive activities no? Haha. See...I am really out of my mind right now.

In the midst of being lost in my own life....suddenly I received a message from my Facebook.

It was a message written by a long lost friend of mine who went missing 2 years ago after confessing his feelings to me. And now he's back with the same mission. I never thought I would hear from him again....EVER. Afterall I rejected him very clearly on the phone.

This time the same thing will happen. Afterall... I have no feelings for him and also the fact that I am going to further my studies soon.

On the other hand, another friend of mine, the one I used to like said that he misses me very much yesterday and he tried to call me but I am not picking up. Wahahaha...this is so funny. When I am still alive and breathing normally here, he did not even bothered to care about my feelings. And now he is back again in my life. Sorry man. I am leaving soon.

There goes, love is always a mystery and will always be. Whenever I am out of the country or leaving the country soon, things like these always happen.

-----------------------------

Now bigger problem arises. Looks like I am going to Berlin alone all by myself. My friends couldn't make it and I felt so lonely after their decision. OMG!!!

How am I supposed to live alone in a foreign place? As I grow older, the fear of being alone really scares me.

People say, when you want something really badly, nothing is a challenge. So, yeah, I need to pass my exam really badly. To pass the exam is my only goal now. Because that exam is like a passport to everything for now.

So I shall not have any fear in my mind right now and focus on passing that paper. 6 months is all I need. 6 months!!!

6 months to build the fat in my body with Doener and Currywurst.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Somehow I am still scaredddd

I don't know anymore

I am feeling at lost again. I don't know what I want now.

I am frustfrated with all the application forms, air tickets, money problems, cancelation problems, stupid problems, etc etc.

I am frustfrated with my bosses who havent pay me a single cent yet since March, I am frustfrated with the company which I opened doors for for not paying my last payment, I am frustfrated with my friend who owe me a quite big amount of money which can be used to pay for my air tickets, I am frustfrated with the people who has negative thoughts who made my day gloomier and also a lot of other stupid stuff which I think is not necessary in life.

I am also frustfrated with myself who still have feelings for someone but still have not got the guts to tell him the truth.

I am frustfrated with everything and everyone around me.

This time I did not run away. I face them with my bare face. That is why I am so frustfrated.

I am so tired of the things around me.

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It's been 9 months since my last drop of alcohol. I've made it. I won the bet.

Eaten by fishes

After clearing some stuff from my house, my friend suggested that we should go for a spa to relax ourselves. I was expecting some body spa with massage and all because I've just strained my back. It hurts till now. Looks like I am getting old and I can no longer carry heavy things like what I use to do anymore. Ouch. :(

And guess what? No.........she didn't bring me to a beauty spa but to a fish spa. I was like..."I AM SO GOING TO KILL YOU FOR THIS. FISH SPA? U KIDDING ME?"

But I was really tired that time and I don't really care, it's still spa anyway. So then I paid RM38 to "enjoy" this very unique experiance. Being virgins (me+my friend) with these fishes makes us pretty scared and there are a lof of "What IFs" boggling our minds as we dip our feet into the water:

What if I lose my toe after this?
What if they eat my whole leg?
What if they are...?

And there goes our very virginal feet into the water filled with horny turkish fish. They are called Doctor Fish and were imported from Turkey. And we were laughing our ass off as my friend reminded me of the incident where I got kissed by a turkish in a club back in Germany.



I screamed as the fishes swam across my feet nibbling everything and the worker there was like,"Miss, you have to relax to enjoy the moment...Relax"

I mumbling to myself, "How am I going to enjoy myself when they are so so so ticklish and crazy and they are starving as if they havent eaten for weeks?"



All the fishes in that particular pool which I share with my friend were focusing to my feet. I was like,"Hey you fishies, why are you coming to my feet? Can't you focus on my friend's feet, it's her that needed your special treatment and not me?

As the fishies nibbling my feet, I thought to myself, I felt dirty. I mean, it feels liek as if I haven't bathed for days and that I have a lot of dead skin on my feet to be cleared away. But the reality is that my friend's dead skin were very tough and rough and some can't be eaten just like that, and mine was softer and easier to chew on. LOL.

And since they nibbled our feet, I asked my friend to dip her hand into the water aswell. She did. All the fishies ran to her hand....



but not mine...they are not interested with my hand






OMG...look at those fishies. The traffic of these fishies are even more than the traffic to my blog.



I shook my feet a bit because it was so ticklish I can't really take it. I was cursing around because I felt it's a torture to pay RM38 to suffer. Poof...



But after about 15 minutes, I am getting used to the desperate fishies and in some way it is very relaxing.



Yum yum yum...



Ngap ngap ngap...



There goes my activity of the day. Fish spa. It's worth the try and you should really try them. I am going back there next week with my aunt. I would love to see her reaction and laugh at it. WHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Düsseldorf or Berlin?

Now, the question of the day:

Düsseldorf or Berlin?

Oh gosh! How am I going to decide on this?
It's West and East of Germany.

Let's see:

Düsseldorf

Pros
- I have been there, I know what to expect, I know which shop sells the freshest bread, where to run, where to hide, where to cry, etc
- Nearer to Holland so we can visit my European Dad (my dad's best friend who is so caring, he's like our substitute dad in Europe) every month
- My host mother is there, she will bake me more cookies and I will be happy
- Belgium, Luxembourg and France is just a few stations away.

Cons
- Will be boring, same old stuff, same old road, same old winter
- Living cost is higher than Berlin (some say)

Berlin

Pros
- Cheaper than the above
- new place, new life, more exciting adventure, more drama, more stories, more joke, more laughable stuff
- Poland, Czech, etc is like so much nearer compared to the above
- More Doener choices (should I put this under "Cons" as this will add fat to my body)

Cons
- My friends are against Berlin (my coursemates want Düsseldorf so much, they will sacrifice everything just to go there)
- I don't know anything about that place. It's like another Cambodia to me. Very foreign.

Anyway, this is just for 4-6 months duration. Not 2 years. During this period I am required to refresh my german proficiency and pass that very tough exam which is TestDaf, some called it Test Tough.

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I have to decide. By end of this week, because I will be flying off end of October/ early November and my visa and stuff. Gosh!!! Decisionsssss.....it's so hard to make decisions when you have people with different views everywhere.

I have already packed my luggage but still don't know where to go yet. I really can't decide. I wanted to go to Berlin because I have never been there and I won't be bored as I will have a pet pig there. (Future tense: "will") Hahaha. What is it like to have a pet pig? I have only eaten pork but never touch a real pig before.

And I really miss Düsseldorf aswell, the Hauptbahnhof, the people, the Kaufhof, the food, the University, everything.

How? 2 places, 1 decision. By end of this week.

Fat

Due to excessive cooking and eating, I am turning myself into a pig soon.

I didn't know cooking could be so much fun at times (provided that I don't burn down the kitchen) and added more fat to my BMI even I am cooking healthy food.


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People often asked me this:

"So what are you doing right now? Working?"

I really don't know how to answer this particular question. I can't say I am not working because the fact is that I am still working, just that I work from home and also I can't say that I am working because I am technically at home all the time, not paying taxes, not meeting clients and all.

Better to say I am not working. Because that stops the question from spreading from A to Z like where? how? what? who? etc etc.

Anyhow, I am STILL waiting for the university to send me a confirmation letter so that I could apply my Visa. And while waiting, I am learning to cook proper meals so that I won't die of starvation when I am left alone again.

Suddenly everyone around me are heading off to somewhere. And I am bored because they left me alone here. Owh...sadness.

Cooking

Today I bought a lot of food, fresh food, frozen food, whatever food I can get. I just load in the trolley and paid for it after that.

It seems like I am cooking everyday. Training myself to be a better cook. And thank god, I didn't burn anything. Ain't that great?

What should I do tomorrow? Hmmm...

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I just received an email from my friend who is now in Holland. Oh well, he's enjoying himself and he tried space cakes and absinthe and etc etc. Oh jeez...a medical student like him should be health conscious right? My university paid for his expenses just because he's a medic student while I have to dig my own money to Germany. Not fair. Oh well...he's a future doctor and I am hmm...nothing?

I love my gown

What I did today:

- I bought a white/gold lacy gown...a really classy one for half the price....Wheeee...I am happy. I don't know why I bought it. It was love at first sight so I bought it and it fits well on me. Somehow it looks like a wedding gown to me but the difference is that it's shorter and not as grand as a wedding gown. ;P

- I bought myself a ring, it's for my little finger. I took the smallest size and guess what, it's still very loose. My fingers are indeed really really small. :(

- I watched a movie...yaay...after so looooong. My friends said that I should watch more movies in Malaysia becoz it's the cheapest in the world for world class standard. Wahahaha. Today's Wednesday so each tics costs RM7. So every Wednesday I should go and watch movies.
On the other hand, my friend cried in the cinema because she was touched by the movie. OMG. I was laughing like a mad dog in there and she's crying. Yes, it's a sad part but I can't stop myself from laughing because she's crying.

- I bought some veggies and cereals. Afterall grandma had flown to Australia. Oh gosh...I am left alone again. Sadness.

Tomorrow's gonna be another day. Hmmmm...what should I do tomorrow? Hopefully I don't end up buying another gown or another pair of shoes. My shoes are collecting dust. Because I only wear one pair of slippers after I stopped work.

Did I tell you that I finished half a tube of Vanilla ice-cream last week? Scary...

Waiting

My mind is not here in Malaysia. I think during this time of the day...right now, my mind should be in Buenos Aires. But my body is still here...*sob*

I am still thinking of a way too find a job that I love to do even for little money. Even it's just enough for me to survive with no luxuries...Hmmmmm....will it work?

Gosh...waiting for the university to reply my letter feels like a 1000 years...What can I do?

Women

There are things that are really irrelevant to me.

i.e: Hey, your aunt is coming over to XXXXX to visit us and we'll have a family gathering...yada yada....yada yada...

i.e: Your aunt is very annoying, yada yada yada....

i.e I really can't stand your aunt, she's such a #%&* and #^**^ and yada yada yada


Hell no...my aunt is my aunt and I am me. No point complaining to me or telling me whatever stories about her. I don't care. I am not bothered. Sometimes being patient is like having a frog in your body. You feel so sick you will wanna kill yourself and take that frog out and prefer to die than to live again.

Yeah....you see that is why I prefer to be alone most of the time despite being a social butterfly at the same time. Being alone let you have time to think logically and be less emotional.

And women are those species on earth that are very very emotional. Bad bad. I am emotional because of the women around me that creates endless problems and also being jealous all the time. Jeez...I really don't understand them.

My latest obsession

A Toshiba G810...all that I need in a piece with an affordable price of RM1,999.00.


Slurpppp...

The "U" word

I am confused with my own identity right now.

I am really really confused. Who am I?

I don't know myself anymore. Worse...I felt pretty useless lately.

I am such a failure in everything. Do I even have talent in something?

Bad mood

What day is today?

Why am I so grumpy?

Why do I feel like strangling and scolding people so much today?

Why am I scolding everyone?

Why do everyone get scolded by me today?




Should be my hormones again....

Super busy

I have been so so so busy running errands I think I forgot the date today. Everyday after I resigned I have been busy with uni application, dealing with application/visa documents, DHL, searching for food (yes, I have been searching high and low and doing some survey of food that I should bring over to Germany like curry powder, chilly powder, soup powder, indian spices, chinese spices, malay spices...yeah, THAT much of stuff because I was brought up in good old multi-cultural Malaysia, I know I am going to miss Malay food, Indian food, Chinese food, Bengali food, etc etc...and also because I know I have got limited ability to cook perfectly :(
Haha! )

Tomorrow I am going to a few places again. Jeez...but I am happy!!!

This Sunday, my grandma is leaving me for Australia. She will be there for 3 months and I will have to cook for myself starting next week. :(

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A guy pisses me off yesterday. He is very demanding and I think he is crazy. Suddenly he asked me to call him back. He didn't know that I won't call a guy unless he is a close friend of mine. (What the heck should I call him anyway? He's just a friend's friend of mine. No strong reason to call, I don't want to send any wrong message to him thinking that I am giving him a chance). So he waited for hours and hours. And after that he sent me a message saying that I am not sincere in becoming his friend. I was like WTF?

I was a bit pissed yesterday because he thought that after all those "I love you"s I will fall for him. No way. Some people just don't understand. If we are not in the same channel why force into a relationship? He was forcing me indirectly to accept him. And of course I said "NO". I know I have been cruel to reject him but the thing is the chemistry is not there. And this feeling is worse than opening doors in that company.

After I came back from my holidays, I have become very very impatient. If I want something, I want it ASAP. And if I want to get rid of something, I will find ways to get RID of it. The old me would just wait and wait and wait till the sun goes down and up again and never take any action. I guess I am more agressive now. So, now, I would really want to give him 5 slaps on each cheek and push him into a pool. MUAAHAHAHHAHAHA...I am INDEED PISSED!

Okay...no more bad stuff about me. I know I am already bad enough.

I shall go to bed now. Somehow I think I didn't make a very smart move of not telling him off yesterday. I still remain silent. :(

Run

I am tired

I am exhausted

I am sleepy

I am burned-out

Finally, after all the running and copying and writing and jumping and throwing tantrums...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I have offically COMPLETED and SENT my application. Woohoo!!!


Jeez...one document took me 3 days to prepare. Running from point A to B every single day. I hope this leads to somewhere.

Ah.....I need some sleep now. I am missing my bed again.

G'nite.

Doing the things I like

Ah...busy busy busy...but I like this kinda busy-ness.

You see, in life, if you do the things that you like, you wouldn't mind spending 24 hours a day doing it. You will be happy doing it. But for the things you don't like to do at all, one hour feels like a millenium.

I am currently busy with my german uni application. I am praying hard so that I can reach there before the 1st of October. So yeah...I will be returning to my student life but in a different place. Sounds exciting eh? Hmmm...the moment that I have been told that they need a motivation letter auf deutsch, I was like...OMG!!! My german has gone so bad that I can't bear to look at it. But I don't care what it takes, I just wanna get a place in that uni.

So I will be feeding myself fat again end of this year. Wheeeeeeeeeee!!!

When money is not everything in life

I am officially UNEMPLOYED now!!!!

Oh gosh...I felt so happy that I don't have to open doors anymore. Thank god!

Now that I got back my life and that I am so happy that I am no longer stuck in that office, I am back on track...back to my long lost soul of happy-craziness. Now that my life is no longer a straight line...I am very very very happy.

Now I can focus on doing things I like in life. And also my tendency of killing my boss is over now, so he is safe for the time being. I felt so so so relieve. It was such a big impact on my life to be stuck in such a job. And of course I learnt my lessons as well which is to not look for jobs in Chinese companies anymore. Never again. Ah......I just feel so happy.

It got me thinking. No matter how much I need money to fund my studies, being stuck in that kind of job won't get me anywhere no matter how high the pay is for a fresh-graduate.

I can say that period of working there is the suckiest part of my life this year. I have never open doors for so many people in my life before, I have never been blamed and scolded so much before over the things I didn't do, and of course I have never been paid so high to do such work before. Oh...I am so thankful right now.

Can't you feel the happiness? I am so happy right now I can finish 5 tubes of ice-cream all by myself. Ahhhh...

Fed up

Arrghh.....I am so fed up with the people around me. So fed up with everything all I wanna do now is sleep and forget about those stupid things.

Just imagine...Individual A scolded Individual B because of me and Individual C scolded Individual A because of me and Individual D scolded Individual E because of me. And this goes on till Individual Z. More than Z.

I know a lot of people cared about me regardless of what happened to me. I am so tired of people arguing with each other because of me as IF I am the real culprit behind this. I don't blame my very dramatic problems because of them. Anyhow they are my family.

*sigh*

Lesson learnt: I know my dad loves me very much....I only knew it today. Too late eh? After nearly 23 years living on earth...I just knew (a few minutes back) that he really cared for me. The things he did today, made me cry because I am touched by his action to save me from being stabbed emotionally by someone.

Owh god...I cried again. Since I started work in this company, the tears keep on flowing out. I think the problem with me is because I am the weird one in the family. I think so. Maybe I am not human.

Gawdddddd....I wanna runaway...Maybe after 4 years, they will realize me as a human.

Itch

The itch is here again...MUAHAHAHAHAHA....

The itch to venture to new places and more new photographs is here again.

God bless me...the old me is BACK ON TRACK!!!

Now I am trying to figure out for more ways to get out from that company and also earning more money to fund my soul-searching trips.

I think I am gonna start with Europe first. After all the 27 EU countries, I would really love to go to South America. Oh GAWDDDD...I like Brazil...and then Paraguay and Uruguay....ahhh...

But before that, I can only venture to EU after I got my Visa. 3 Years is sufficient enough I think to travel to all 27...opps...26 countries within that period while I am studying in Jena/Bochum/...whatever I can get. So first thing's first is to get THAT Visa.

"Girl, you're not thinking of getting a man and get married ah?"
Errrr...the answer would be....err.......NO, not at the moment.

Let's not get into that. I have been given tonnes of lectures from my relatives about that. *sigh*

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Thinking of Monday makes me sad already....*sob*...WORK!!!

Commitment

com·mit·ment –noun

1. the act of committing.
2. the state of being committed.
3. the act of committing, pledging, or engaging oneself.
4. a pledge or promise; obligation: We have made a commitment to pay our bills on time.
5. engagement; involvement: They have a sincere commitment to religion.
6. perpetration or commission, as of a crime.
7. consignment, as to prison.
8. confinement to a mental institution or hospital: The psychiatrist recommended commitment.
9. an order, as by a court or judge, confining a person to a mental institution or hospital.
10. Law. a written order of a court directing that someone be confined in prison; mittimus.
11. Parliamentary Procedure. the act of referring or entrusting to a committee for consideration.
12. Stock Exchange.
a. an agreement to buy or sell securities.
b. a sale or purchase of securities.

The reason why I am posting this up is because I am told by my boss that I am not committed enough. Or not even committed at all at work. And today my uncle told me that I am not ready for any kind of commitment. And another uncle of mine said that I can't be committed at all.

Ok. Fine. Commitment has always been a big word for me. I will only commit if like my the thing that I am doing. I.e: Committed to my job as a photographer. Or commit myself to someone I love. But if I am forced to do something I don't like, it's hard to even care about it. So now, it's like being forced to commit myself into my work. I would really love to tell my boss this (but I can't):

Hello Boss,

Frankly speaking, I hate to work here. I am being treated like a slave and I honestly don't like it at all. Or worse still no respect at all, just like a dog..you know. And with that kind of working condition, how do you want me to commit here? Commit my life as a slave to this company so you can spend more money and I have to do those work that people don't do for life? Hell no.

Because of my unhappiness of working here, I have health problems due to being emotionally tortured by the fact that I have to open that damn door everyday and also taking care of the cleaner of the office. What sort of training are you giving me? It's been a month (God bless me...I am still alive), and I am still doing the same thing while other people has been learning more things and improving themselves and my life is still at point 0.

And everyday, just because you want to show your power to me, you scolded me over petty stuff and even at stuff that I didn't do and still it's my fault. And I am tough enough to get scolded by you and admit the fault even I didn't do it...EVERY SINGLE DAY!

Do I need to get you a book on Human Rights so that you know how to treat your employees right? Just because you can offer a better pay doesn't mean that you can scold whenever you like or ask me to do silly things like watering the plants.

Sometimes, I am so pissed you with that I could have stabbed you with the letter opener or that IKEA glass on your head.

Seriously, whatever you promised me during that interview went to the drain. It's totally different from what is being promised. You said that I will get the chance to learn the nature of business, sales and marketing, but hell no. I only know how to water the plants and open the doors perfectly.

I shall wait for 2-3 more months to see the result? Ridiculous. If I am given the chance, I could have stop now. That would make me so happy because I don't have to see your damn face everyday and your ridiculous scoldings. And that's it. End of story.

Yours Faithfully,

Employee of XXXXXXX company


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I took MC today because I am sick. The doctor gave me some very sleepy medication that I can't help but to fall asleep like a bear in hibernation.

Although I am sick but I am happy enough because I don't have to go to work.

Every morning I drag myself to work. What is the meaning of life when you have to force yourself doing something you don't like just because of money? Ahhh well....everyone will say, "Well you have to do it for MONEY." Jeez.