Confessions

I have a confession to make.

I hate my job. I hate my job so much I would have kill my boss in a micro-second.

I know I can't be sitting here earning peanuts and getting scoldings everyday. I told myself to wait. Yes, 2 more months to go. I am counting down the days. Desperately.

2 more week till my Visa application at the German Embassy. 4 more weeks till I get the answer from them and hopefully the university in Germany will accept a crazy homosapien like me for their program.

I really would love to go for another program but it will only be held like once a year which would be the Winter Semester, and the application dateline was 15 days back. Just because of that 15 days, I have to wait for a year just to apply. Oh gawd...NO WAY! So I rather go for another Sommer Semester which will be starting next April.

I have another confession to make. I hate my office so much, I could have throw rotten eggs at the front door.

I look harmless....Yes, that is what they say, but I am very harmful. Just in case if you don't know me, I am now going through the stage of controlling my anger till the minimum point and I could burst anytime from now. I have been indeed very patient with everything.

Last but not least. I am damn pissed with my working life for now. My advice to those job seekers out there: Never apply yourself to any local companies altho they promised very attractive remuneration package for your starting salary. Trust me, you won't be happy.

Positive

4

is the number of times I cried today...2 times at the office, 2 times at home and thank god I was seated in a hidden cubicle where no one can see me.

Family...what a word to make me cry 4 times in 12 hours. My eyes are as swollen as hell. Tears roll down just like that without my permission.

This month, the month of July, is the month of crying. God knows how much tears I teared for the past 25 days. Amazing.

Tomorrow I am going to live my life with a new motto..."In pursuit of happiness, I would not drop a single tear ever again."

Too much holiday really turns me into a crybaby. The month of May and June are the months of luxuries, where I spend like mad and being treated like a princess. More like a baby.

Now that it is July, from a pampered spoilt young lady thrown into the cruel dog-eat-dog world of the corporate world, I felt helpless.

With new problems that came out of no where, it's a whole new thing for me. Although during my uni days, problems come to me in bulk but it can be settled almost immediately. But problems after uni, are nearly impossible to be settled due to the diverse culture of human thinking.

Let's live a happy life. Say No to tears.

Ahhhhh...bed

Whenever I see a bed or pillow anywhere...I will just wanna sleep on it till the next morning.

Even a couch will do...I just want to sleeeeeeep


Good night people!

ZzZZZzzzzzZZ

I am tired...really tired. I shall collapse to my bed now. I love my bed.

8 pimples popped out. I know...stress. Because I am not happy. No matter how tough I take all the innocent blames thrown to me, I know somehow I have to stay...for another 2 more months at least. I need to oppress the pain of working here. Breathe.

If tomorrow is not Thursday, I would have down that whole bottle of Otard laying next to me right now.

Now I shall just forget about everything and go to bed. Good night.

Breathe

Breathe.............................

Patience............................

Breathe.............................


Well well...At this very moment, I am not being myself.

This is not some sort of quarter life crisis but these are unnecessary problems that occurred to me out of no where. People people...leave me in peace for a while okay. Please...just a while. I need some peace. I am not the complaint centre nor the charity board, I need someone to lend me a shoulder to cry on aswell. I think my tear tank has gone dry, no more tears to cry. I would appreciate if someone would just lend his/her shoulder for me just for 5 minutes, let me cry out loud and then you can go back and do your things.

Enough said. Tomorrow gonna be another day. I am losing weight like mad due to unnecessary invisible-stress and also diarrhea. Good...I can go on with my dream of becoming Jessica Alba now minus the pretty face. :(

Crisis

Some people hate me.

Some people hate me because of my life decision.

Some people hate me because of my life decision because she thinks her way is always right.

Some people hate me because of my life decision because she thinks her way is always right because she was born and bred that way.

Some people hate me because of my life decision because she thinks her way is always right because she was born and bred that way that her mother will make every decision for her in her life.

Some people hate me because of my life decision because she thinks her way is always right because she was born and bred that way that her mother will make every decision for her in her life and that is the reason why she hated me so much for now.

Some people hate me because of my life decision because she thinks her way is always right because she was born and bred that way that her mother will make every decision for her in her life and that is the reason why she hated me so much for now because I can make my life decision.
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I don't care. That is not important. And I am not bothered.

Happy

Wheeee...I felt so happy today.

I don't know why, maybe because it's Saturday and I don't have to pour water for people, put coke into the office's fridge, water plants, open doors, carrying boxes, listening to phone calls, etc etc. Wheeeee......I am an overpaid maid. So I am happy. How ironic.

Yesterday night I went out for tea with my girlfriends and we had such a great time laughing at ourselves. We laughed so hard, I think the people in that restaurant think that we're out of our mind. But I really can't help it. I was really happy for that moment.

I nearly cried yesterday in the office in front of my colleagues. And due to the fact that I don't want to show people my weakness....I hang on there. Breathing deep every time the tears feels like rolling down. I had a bad day at work yesterday. Really bad. I was treated worse than a dog. Enough said. I called my girlfriends right after that because I know they will support me whenever I needed them.

A few more days to go...Just hang on there. Breathe.

I will never be hurt by the words from my boss. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words will never hurt me. I will never ever let my tears roll down in that office. Never. I will never give up. I will never ever let you belittle me, I will never ever let you climb over my head just because you're the boss.

I shall return to my bed now as I find peace there. I am so in love with my bed. Sleep is darn important.

Moving

Okay...today I am not going to talk about work. Not worth mentioning.

Not gonna talk about food either.

Not gonna talk about my love life either.

Not gonna talk about how sucky life is.

I wanna talk about the fact that I will be leaving the country for good. This would be my biggest decision in life. 2.5 more months to go before I leave on a jet-plane.

Seriously...I am digging all my money from everywhere and I wanna move my life to somewhere.

I've made my decision this morning. God please bless me with the strength to move with this plan.

One way ticket will be it...Needless to say, 99.9% people around me thinks I am crazy because I am just a small girl in their mind and I am taking a step which normally guys will take not a girl like me.

On the other hand, my parents still have no idea about this yet. I can't tell them now because I am afraid they won't give me emotional support but I am seriously not happy here.

So guys, any party to celebrate?

Agony

"So what u do in life?"
"What is your occupation?"
"What do you do for a living?"
"What are you working as now?"

Man...honestly, these are easy questions but it's very hard for me to answer. I am NOT really an Executive in my office but merely a...door opener...glass washer...clerk...typist...complaint department...etc.

3rd week starting tomorrow...Oh gosh...tomorrow is Monday. I am struggling to make myself happy. Seriously, I am forcing myself to be happy to open doors for people. Seriously, I am indeed forcing myself to smile and pretend to be happy. I have never felt such shitty in my whole entire life of 22 years.

And again...what can I say. I don't want to be called a quitter and I don't want to be called a loser. Maybe I need some time to adapt. But it's already the 3rd week and I am still feeling shitty.

This is like getting in a relationship with a jerk that pays you money and fucks you for nothing. Yes, I did feel THAT bad.

I felt even shittier when my ex uni-mates are pursuing their studies in Barcelona (Spain), Verona (Italy), Macau, etc..etc. And I am still stuck in Malaysia as a door opener. Jeez...I never look at my life that way. Never.

I go to work without using my brains. I don't even have to think. Tell me, do you have to use your brain or squeeze your brain juice out to open the door? There's no need to use your brain. Just push that damn button.

I need to talk to someone about this. I really do. I think I am going to talk to my boss tomorrow about what I am doing. Maybe he's just testing my patience. I don't know. But that is not the way to waste their time and my time on a daily basis to open doors.

I just came back from coffee with my friend. We're surfing Facebook together and Xing (the Facebook for business people) and we felt double the shittiness when we compare ourselves with some of the people there. Don't call me a overly high-achiever but I can't seem to be myself with the rate I am going now.

Never in my life I have been assigned to do stupid things like this. The first day of work I told myself, "I think I want to live in a farm and breed pigs." I rather breed pigs rather than opening that damn door. Oh gosh!

I think I am crazy or something after I came back from my vacation. A friend told me this, "You've changed you know? The person in you that I know last time don't give 5 fucks for that amount of money. In fact you will ask that person to open the door for you. What happened to you?"

Yeah...I just nodded.

I think if it's not because of the requirement of 2 years of working experience to continue my master's degree. I would have fucked that company upside down and fly to Germany the next day.

2.5 more months to go before I really make the shoot. Patience...patience...I am afraid that I won't be able to control myself during this period.

I am so pissed while typing this entry.

Number 1: I have never wash any cups for anyone in my whole entire life other than for my family of course.

Number 2: I have never succeeded to sit still in one place (2.25m square to be exact) for more than 4 hours a day and amazingly I succeeded with a record of 8 hours a day for 2 working weeks. What else to worsen the wound? Opening doors.

Number 3: Never I have to endure stupid rants from the people in my office just because of other people's mistakes and I nodded happily with a smile.

For my master's degree in Germany...which requires 2 years of working experience! I am here to endure the pain. I have to do it!

Come...just throw me a rich old man, I don't mind getting married. Second thought: NO WAY!!!

Patience......................................owh......*cry*

2nd week of work

Ahhh....finally I have time to blog.

Let's see. This is the 2nd week of my new job, apart from feeling bored and useless at work because I am an over-paid clerk for now instead of what I have to do in my job designation. I am doing all the office work of washing cups, opening the door, answering phone calls, typing useless junks, doing things that people don't do.

So this is working life. I come to work at 9 am. Get my things done before 11am and then I will go to my MSN and Skype (yes, we can use both legally at the office) and chat endlessly. Muahahahahaha. Seriously satisfying. I am paid to chat aswell.

Yeah, I am looking at things very positively now. Very positive. Once I am stress or sad, I will go down and there're tonnes of restaurants downstairs and there goes my diet. Or, I will talk to my friends who seems to be there whenever I needed them via MSN or Skype. Ah...truly satisfying.

If the directors gave me shit, I will just smile because it's so funny looking at them diverting their mistakes and making them into a problem for me. Truly amazing eh?

Stress? Not as much stress as I had during my uni days. I don't bring the work stress back home. I sleep. Amazing...I sleep more than 8 hours sometimes. Because the workplace is near, I can wake up at 8am. Truly wonderful!

My job scope? Make myself pretty everyday, smile to whoever that comes in.

Incredible isn't it?

Work eh?

Ahhh...it's been ages since I left this blog aside. Well, I don't dare to blog at work. Dangerous.

The first few days at work, I felt like crap. Felt useless, future-less, money-less, etc etc.

I still feel like crap now but it's better than the first few days.

Welcome to the working world! What makes me feel like crap more is that I don't get to travel around as much as I like like last time.

Working life is so plain boring. All I do everyday is to improve the company's administration, looking through endless data, calling clients/cleaner/hotels/etc etc.

2 days seems a long time to pass. What about 2 years? I can't be stuck here for 2 years. Looks like I need to plot a new run-away plan for this.

Did I mention I am in the IT industry where I deal with a lot of IT people? It's an industry dominated by men and women like me look so stupid compared to them. Wahahaha...I am running away no doubt. But after 3 months, that's it. I am giving myself 3 months here. And what else can I say more. My german language ability is detriorating, I need to improve myself.

My dad told me, "If you're not happy, you can leave."

Oh yeah...ain't easy. But at least working here is less suffering than my uni days. My uni days is like the worst period of my whole entire life. The conclusion is working life is better than my uni days. Not everyone will agree on this, but my uni life is hell on earth.

My life so plain boring now. And indeed I am getting plainer and plainer. Owh...I can't let this happen to me. This is not what I want.