May 24, 2009

It's a hope, just a hope

It's the feeling.

I don't know how to tell you this but it's about my feelings. I know I am bad in this. Bad in expressing my feelings. Especially when it involved someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Finally I said it. I wanna spend the rest of my life with him. Gosh. I would never say this.

And today I did something funny:

He asked, "Ever thought about marrying me?"
I said spontaneously, "Yes and have kids."

This is a surprise. I never knew I want to have kids and get married.

He had put me in hell for the past few weeks. But I determine to go on even when he lied to me that he's already married. He said, that's only to test my faith.

I really hope this is not triggered by the fact that I am here and that I am lonely.

I have let down enough tears with my past and I hope this will not leave me in tears again.

Life is complicated. Everything is complicated. I felt like a aimless arrow sometimes. I have given up a few times but crawled back to face the world. Due to contrary beliefs that I am happy here, WRONG. I tried to be happy despite all the shit. I hope I will have a good ending with this one. Really, I really do. I really really do. I am tired of conquering the world. Tired of being alone, tired of having to go through every other without any meaning. Tired of being in and out of relationships. Tired of being an object for some certain people. Tired of my problems. I want my crystal ball so that I could see if he's really THE ONE for me.

May 21, 2009

Himmelfahrt

The funniest question of the year, at least for me:

Hey would you ever consider being a porn actress?

I was like WHAT???
Which part of me qualified to be one? This week is indeed a funny week. maybe it's Himmelfahrt tomorrow and everyone is acting a bit weird and I am also going cranky becoz of that.

LOL. Porn actress eh?

Hmmm....

May 16, 2009

Shit happens eh?

Why am I not aware that he is already married?

Why can't I sense anything?

Why am I that careless?

Is this a joke?

The truth is, I don't expect any men to be loyal. And yes, this is what I got.

I would never want to interfere in another person's relationship and that's it. 

I didn't feel bad at all. In fact, he was expecting me to commit suicide and yeah, I am still alive. I think this is a joke. I mean my life has always been a joke, so yeah, WTF.

As time goes by, I am getting stronger and I shall pat my shoulders for that. KUDOS!!!

Give me another piece of shit and it will really turn out really nice.

To me it's just another day in my life. I am in fact really proud of myself right now as I can take more shit than before. I miss moments like these. It makes me a better person. 

I love myself more than any other people in the world. And that means I am going to plan for my runaway trip for August and September. I think I need another kind of air to breathe in.

I should treat myself a big bowl of ice-cream right now for not falling into other people's marriage trap and also for saving my dignity. I am so proud of myself. For this moment.

May 13, 2009

Woop

Yes, I am still alive if u r wondering.

These few days I have got not enough sleep and I have been having some sort of dizziness and nausea. That's what happened when you have not enough sleep for about a week. It happened to me 2 times before this, consulted the doctor and he said I am lack of sleep and that I should rest and relax instead of worrying for the world's economy and it's recession.

Hopefully I will gain myself back and feel whole again for tomorrow. :)

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I have been living at my friend's house for nearly a month now. Yes, shamelessly sticking my butt here for a month because I don't like to go home.

But yeah, I felt happy but I am not sure how long this is gonna last as it's not my place and maybe the other housemate would feel unfair because I am leeching this place.

Apart of me really wanted to flee this place and move to another. And not to mentioned, my homesick. It's getting worse each day, but I am staying strong and yes, shit happens and yes, I am strong to go through this.

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My best buddy and I have had a few conversation for the last few days. About guys. Yes guys! It's been such a long time since we had such conversation and of course we laughed like there's no tomorrow. That's a good thing knowing someone for 20 years and she knows what I am thinking and vice versa. I miss ya woman!!!

No doubt the reason of us still being single is because of our pickiness. Jeez. I know, you would say that I am too picky and not just picky. But it's interesting to know she has the same problem. Like the saying, Birds of the same feather flock together. LOL.

P.S. Woman, LV is good ya know. Don't lose focus. I will be supporting you all the way.

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I have been behaving really bad these days. Like a mad biatch.

Since I arrived here till now, I have 4 girlfriend proposals and I did asked them to "f**k off!" without even giving them any chance. Jeez. Cruel eh?

And I shamelessly went up to a guy and asked him to be my boyfriend. I know. Aggressive. That's my very first time of doing things like that. Pretty amazing. I know. The story is not as simple as this. He made me asked him about this so I played along and I find it's not that bad anyway to ask him this.

He's still uncertain of my feelings towards him and he has bad tantrums like everyday. But I like him the way he is. I hope this is not because of my loneliness here. Hopefully it's not.

I shall write down what I like about him now so that in future, I can refer back to what I wrote and maybe laugh at it. Since this is the "first time ever that I dared to ask a guy to be my boyfriend". LOL!

Maybe this will just be another fling of mine. Nothing personal. I am tired of being in love with someone at some point and it doesn't work and I have to go on. The frequency of this happening is getting more and more intense as I grow older.

Here you go:

- Smart
(Damn blardy smart. The smartest guy I have ever met so far. I have this little thing of falling for smart guys)
- Hard to deal with (Ahh...this I like. I like challenges. I don't like guys who obey whatever I said and say yes yes yes. Maybe I am bored with good guys. Maybe this wont last long. I don't know.)
- Gadget freak (Very common but making money out of it is another thing. He's like my gadget dictionary. Woo...I like)
- Polygot (Which means he speaks more than one language perfectly and I like his English. Woo...I like)
- Stable (Not someone who can't think for himself. Very very stable. He's someone who can give me some sort of security, like a big tree. I have been with some guys who can't think for his future and also can't decide what he wants in life. Bad.)
- Loyal (Judging from his past relationships. I always judge people based on their past relationships. And I have never been wrong unless something bad happened in between. He said he can't trust me fully on this because he knows what happened with my past. And he said I am too much of a playgirl for him. Hurhur. But I am loyal no?)
- Hardworking (Like me when it comes to things that I like to do. I wish I could be more hardworking in studying or when dealing with my books. I really like hardworking guys. Haha.)

The list will go on and on but that's all I can write for now. I need to go off for a while and do some other things. Till then...

May 05, 2009

Face it

I m speechless. Really really speechless. I know I can go through this with my determination. Yes, I believe I can.

Let's see if I can end it here.

I m listing all the things I am not happy with this place.

1. When I first arrived, the place where I take my shower is doorless. Yes, open shared bathroom with nothing to cover. Just shower naked like that. And it's filty scary dirty and...words can't describe how it is. Eukks...

2. My toilet which is also a shared toilet has shit on the side of the toilet bowl. It just stuck there as if somebody's shit is made of elephant glue. Just stuck there like that.

3. The shared kitchen is filty oily and appetite-less. Which means every dish that I cook there will end up tasting nothing due to the look-at-that-dirty-stove-and-floor factor.

4. So I moved to a better place. Yeah, I thought finally I could end up in peace. But no. The 44 year old guy thought I like him and jeez....long story. One whole big misunderstanding. And then he found himseld a new girlfriend, thanks to my "luck" that I have (according to him). It seems that I give people good luck and I get bad luck. Okay, back to the point, so he and his new girlfriend has been having sex non stop from the toilet to the kitchen to the bathroom and etc etc and the loud voices at night for 2 weeks. Raging hormones I should say! Jeez...that house was pretty small and I can HEAR EVERYTHING. OMG GRACIOUS LORD! Never in my life I have to hid myself in my room and not brushing my teeth and not pee the whole night because I don't want to see things that I don't want to see.

5. Okay fine, so I partially sleep at my friend's house and that 44 year old guy thought I was jealous because I can't have a relationship with him and yada yada just because I didn't like to go back home. OMG!!! Never in my life I FELT THAT DISGUSTED. EUKKSSS....44 year old and me?? No thank you. MY GAWDDDDD!!!

6. Okay fine. Fine. Then today I went back and just found out that he has not pay his house rent for 2 months. No wonder he's rushing me for my room rent. My gawdddd....and slowly he told me that he is not working and yada yada and no money and yadayada. Jeez...OMGGGGGGGGG!!! I don't know what to say. So now, in order to pay back his good deed, becoz he helped me before this (he helped me out from that toilet sticking place). So I decided to pay him 2 mths rent in advanced. So he can have some money to himself. And did I mention, he has a kid? Jeez, as a father he needs money to feed the kid. Yeah, call me soft hearted but then I am totally shock of the culture here.

7. Fine. Fine. Fine. I've sent 3 packages from Malaysia, 2 belong to me and one belongs to my friend. Okay fine. My friend's package arrived last week, without any scratch. And one of my packages arrived today, with scratches everywhere and Custom tapes everywhere as if I am bringing some swine flu stuff it in. Jeezzzzzz...I was so mad mad mad. Side note: we sent all 3 together at the same day and same time. And still one more missing.

8. Before this, i have problems with the university admin stuff. Yes, with the registration and that they have not received any money from me and that my name is listed somewhere and so on and so fort. Jeez. My brain gonna burst out. But I stayed calm.

9. And what's the best part staying here? NO INTERNET. NO BLARDY INTERNET. How am I supposed not to be mad when I don't have internet? I am living in Germany not Cambodia. Jeez.

10. I am not sure if old ladies here in this place are all grumpy and doesn't smile a lot or at all. But the lady at the photocopy shop is really scary. She wants everything in 100% order and frowned at me AS IF I spoiled her things and she said I am slow at photocopying. Hello. I don't work here and I pay you the money means I can do whatever I want with my book. And she keeps on pressing my book while I am doing the copy and keeps on emphasizing on pressing it and fast and accurate and emphasizing on her weekends and that I will ruin her weekends. Jeez. Fine.

11. There are lots more which I can't remember for now. If I were to list down everything here I would probably go back to Malaysia. Thank god I can't remember much about the bad things here. 10 is enough. Jeez.

I hate this place and yet I am trying to love it as I am going to be here for quite sometime.

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Talking about love. I like someone. But I can't like him as we are from 2 different world. After all those liking and loving, I shall stay focus on what I have to do now. No time to mess with my heart affairs which will lead to another dead end which I have gone through many many times before. Shit.

I shall just keep my busy within my studies and work and that's it. And nothing will happen if I stay here for the time being.

I don't think I will have another love story like what had happened in Portugal or the one when I just got back from Netherlands. I also like the fact that germans don't really talk to strangers. So I am having this new kind of habit of not talking to anyone and being not friendly at all. Not to sound rude but the surroundings here is making me one. And not to mention, slowwwwwww.

May 04, 2009

Someone just slapped me

on the face. Slap!!!

Not literally but it's just an expression I felt now.

He scolded me like no one has ever scolded me before. He said that my general knowledge is very shallow because I couldn't answer his financial questions. Okay fine, I don't. It's true, I don't know, I just go to the bank and take some money out and spend and sometimes I put some money in. That's it. I am not bothered with the foreign rates and so on and so fort.

And he asked me to make an excel table. A foreign exchange rate table and send it to him ASAP. I don't get a single thing he said and I didn't do it and I told him I got to go becoz of a meeting. And I got scolded again and again saying I made him loadsa money and so on and so fort.

Seriously, I find this guy very amazing. The first who has ever made me worried about my own brain.

Today is his bday. With this, I never thought he came to me with 1001 financial questions and bammm...I lost. For my record of nearly 24 years, I have never been called stupid on general things. And yes, I got it today. And it did made me realize that it's time for me to improve myself again. That is to have a better brain. 

I felt so damn stupid today I can't forgive myself. Okay, so some might say, certain people have certain gift for some certain fields. In this case, I have no brains for technical stuff and also when it comes to money. No sense at all. I also have no sense in scientific stuff like why this micro living thingy has 3 eyes. It seems like I have no sense in everything. Which is quite sad.

Why do I still live on earth?