July 31, 2009

On marriage

I felt pressured once again about marriage.

This is not the first time people purposed to me. I just can't. I have fear. I don't know why.

I fear to get married at this age no matter how much I love him.

I still think I am too young to get married.

He is already calling my name by MRS. XXX. (with his surname). The more he tell me about this, the more I felt pressured by this. Gosh!

This topic was brought up quite a number of times and each time I felt like shutting his mouth for a while and breathe. I am not ready.

I have this feeling that this relationship will go down the drain too. I don't think he can wait 2 more years for me. Damn. I hate to be caught up between studies and relationships. Anyway, I am not thinking much about this. Let it be.

Where does it lead?

Hmm...here I am again to talk about life.

Life is such an interesting subject. I am not sure where it leads. At least we always know that some certain rivers flow to some certain seas for example. But in life, one moment, u r flowing along a river, u could end up being on top of the mountain or simply being stranded on some weird island.

Tomorrow I will have an interview as a translator. I am not sure if I am wanted by the germans. Somehow I felt my world is so small. And in a place like this, the world is even smaller. I am praying hard and I hope I am wanted. I need a job. I need it very very much.

I am worried about my future. I am always worried about how things will turn out to be like. I wish somehow, I could just get married and breed and I don't have to worry about things in my life. Someone who could take care of me forever and ever without me having to worry about money, etc etc. But the thing is such person don't really exist or should I say, in a better way, have not appeared yet.

I am a fighter and I will fight till the end. In between, I lost myself, I cried and became depressed but I climb up again and again without fail. I am not lucky enough to have understanding parents. Thus, I have to work extra harder to achieve what I want in life.

I am willing to do everything now to survive. Survival is the key to live. Of course I was sad knowing the fact that my family don't really care about me. But I can't let this to deter me from getting what I want. I am strong. I knew it. I am strong to go through this. I will never let other people look down on me ever again. I have vowed to myself on this.

No matter how bitter life is for me now. Being positive can make the bitterness go away or at least became sweeter. I am surprised with the fact that a lot of people around me doesn't go through life like me. If I were being brought up like this, I shall improve and let my past go. I did forget about the past a lot to go on till today.

I really really need the job as a translator tomorrow. I need it. God, please help. *prays hard*

July 29, 2009

Damn it...FUCK!!!

Wooooooooo...I am damn pissed. O2 charged me Euro222.19 for the things I didn't use. Damn it. One month and it's that much? Is there any other way to avoid this thing? I mean I wouldn't wanna pay it. Damn it. I would not pay for things that I didnt use. Damn it. Fuck!!!

I am so gonna kill people right now. Damn it. Why bad things always hit on me? Fuck!!!

July 22, 2009

When the sun shines...and suddenly the rain pours

Today is the saddest day of my life (for the month of July). The day that proved to me how selfish my parents are. The selfishness in them makes me wonder if I will be the same or already as selfish as them.

God bless that I am still alive.

I cried so hard that my eyes sores now. It has been a "great" year so far. Yeah, pretty great. I think my tears can filled up the whole city by now.

I told myself to be strong, as always. I know I am strong but just not strong enough. Everyone are selfish to themselves. Selfish creatures are everywhere. If I find someone who is not selfish at all, I give him/her a standing ovation and he/she will be my idol.

I hate to fight, I hate to argue. Although my life here is quite shitty. I am glad that I am faraway from home at least for now. I don't have to face shit.

Let it be from family members or the anything with the people around me. At least here, I am a foreigner. I am a foreigner who speaks german. And with my student status, I get privileges. Thank god, arguing with my family makes me feel happier to be in this shit hole.

I always wait for the day when I can be happy, just happy. It's just so hard to be happy.

I am going to sit for an exam later in about 2 hours time and I am still here blogging. This emotional burden is off my shoulders now. I felt better already.

Thank you for reading.

July 17, 2009

1 or 2

One woman can have 2 guys at the same time no?

I don't know what to say.

I thought it's already nothing between us but...hmm...I don't want to cheat on somebody now. But in my situation now, it's really hard to say anything.

This is like a story. The guy gone missing, the girl goes on with her life, found somebody new, the old guy came back.

--------------------------------

Exam next week. Focus pocus. Not gonna think about the problem mentioned until the right time.

July 15, 2009

Alive

I am still alive if you are wondering. I will be a lil busy till next week. OMG. Exam. This one will determine if I will be here for the next 3 years or so or if I wanted to go back to Malaysia and never come back to Germany.

Anyhow, I have no idea how I am going to pass the exam. God bless me. Please bless me, if You see this.

July 10, 2009

Pray

My favourite line of the day: "Pray Pray"

Guess what I do daily without fail since I arrived here, pretty simple:

- wake up
- get ready
- go to class
- come back and cook
- do some reading
- nap/outing
- shower
- chat with "My Majesty" till late, honestly I did appear offline a few times because it's really really tiring to talk to him

I called him "My Majesty" since he needs a lot of attention from me when we were talking. No flaws, no mistakes. Just accuracy.

I am tired to be honest. Imagine after a long day in Uni, u came back with a demanding creature waiting for you on your MSN and Skype and all he wants is 900% of your ears and brains and patience. He really tested my patience good enough. I felt I have pressure talking to him now.

Sometimes, when I have a rough day, I still have to give my best to what he wants. Now I am talking about me being here and him being back in Malaysia. Not under the same roof. It's already really tiring. Imagine if I have to see him everyday and all. Do all relationships have to be like this?

I tried to make this one a successful one but I am nearly giving up. I can't imagine my life being like this. Or should I say I like being single? Damn no. But why is it so hard for me to give my all to him? I am talking about lifetime commitment here.

I am really stress right now. I think it has became more and more obvious that I am avoiding him now by appearing offline and pretend I am not there when I am there. I just feel tired.

And now that he's giving me more commitment to handle, i.e. holding his account password and all, I felt more pressured.

I should not make any hasty decision on this. But then again, I have to. I can't imagine my kids having this military life of being accurate and strict when I can't handle it myself. Am I being too carefree or it is becoz I have had a rough day I don't feel like talking to anyone.

I am terrified if this one goes down the drain again. I am tired of being in and out of relationships. And the emotional roller coaster than comes with it. It's just scary. In fact really tiring.

Hopefully this is becoz I am dead tired and I need some time for myself.

Pray pray.

July 09, 2009

Mystery

Yeah, I am crazy you see.

I like someone so much he meant everything to me.

But he's damn strict in leading me the way to do things right. Like a military school. I know my friends can't believe that I am saying this. I actually let someone control my life. LOL!!!

It felt as if I am in a panic room just now over some instruction he gave me. Totally heart-thumping and no mistakes can be made. Scary. I am glad it's over but I can feel that there's more to come. Oh...jeez. For my own good.

I hope I am not as stupid as I am now. I wish I am a bit smarter when it comes to some terms. Damn.

July 05, 2009

I think

I think I have a boyfriend now.

I think I have a fiance now.

I think I will be married to him legally next year.

"May we go register"

I thought it was a question asking "May we go and register?"

But no, it's actually "In May we will go and register."

Register what? Register our marriage.

Damn. This is crazy. Marriage? And again I felt insecure. I like him. But marriage??? Don't you think it's too early? It's also very uncertain with him. One moment we are like husband and wife, talking about our future, one moment we are enemies.

My life is just great sometimes. Even my love life is so different from others. I don't know if I am in a relationship. But if everything goes well, I will be married to him May next year. Funny eh? I felt it's damn funny.

I felt the world is insane or am I the one abnormal. How can I be married to someone in such a short time? Am I desperate or what? Or he is the one desperate? I am afraid to get married now. Really afraid.

I felt the whole has hit upon me several times this month. I cried so many times, I don't have anymore tears to do so.

Mostly arguing with him. I can say we are not a couple. But he has all the contacts of my family including my grandmother. He knows everything about my family and me.

He even planned everything. And he did asked me if I like crystal or pearl. I would love to say diamond. But that question was skipped because we are arguing that time. I was pissed and refuse to answer and kept blasting. He blasted me enough for the year. I felt so pissed i couldn't take it anymore.

On the other side of the story, my sis just shouted at me on Skype this afternoon. She said: "I couldn't believe u like him. He's not even your type. He's nerdy". I just laughed.

Anyhow, I am not sure how long this will last. As you know, all the guys come and go like the customers in Aldi. Totally profitable if I charge everyone of them.

Well, I did mention about him before this. He's the guy that turned my life upside down after the american. God bless me please.