April 29, 2008

Unpleasant day

Have you ever experianced where there's a day when you get scoldings from everyone around you and you don't know what you've done wrong?

Today is that bloody day for me. I don't understand why.

No matter what I do, no matter where I go, I get cold people responding to my questions, scolding from women especially, etc etc. Worse still, they like to slam the door, knock things out, make stupid noises that annoys the hell out of me. Damn it. It's always like that, one moment I am chilling and one moment some other people have to take revenge and make my life harder. They love to se me suffer. World Peace is soooooooooo far away....

Jeeeez, why is everyone so grumpy today? I hate it when no one wants to talk to me in a normal manner. I hate it so much I wish to do the same. Their grumpiness is equavalent to cows waiting to be slaughtered. And I am not even the slaughter. So unfair, why they have to piss me now?

Arghhhh....is it so hard to be nice? Afterall we're all human. WTF? I should start acting like a bitch as in now and start throwing fits at everyone. Then everyone will be much happier I guess.

But there's no one here that I can't do that alone to myself. So I need to stay cool. I am being very patient for now. Let it be...Patience...patience is all I need.

Breathe...........................breathe......

* Treat the people around you nicer okay. They are not cow waiting to be slaughtered.

Chilling

OMG it's 2am and I still can't sleep.

Alcohol do make wonders. My brain is very active now. That's the reason why I can't sleep. I m feeling so high right now I wanna bungee jump. Wahahaha. I really did enjoy myself tonight. Although nothing special happened today, it's a relaxing night and I chilled with my partner-in-crime.

Hmmm...what should I do now?

April 26, 2008

Exam Tips for Dummies like me

(Today marks the 15th day of having continuous 4 hours of sleep for the month of April. Crazy)

I have made some theories of the way I study for exams. It's amazing.

1. Summarize all the important notes (as simple as you can) at 5 in the morning.

2. Memorize an hour before going in to the exam hall.

3. Squeeze all the information out no matter what.

4. Blame yourself for not studying days earlier. Pray to God although God can't even help hopeless people like me. Look around you, get panic, think again.

5. Fill in the blanks as much as you can. Create stories, talk cock and sing song all the way for exams.

6. Wait for the results.

7. Cry and be happy at the same time when it's a "C" and be happy when it's an "A" or a "B".

As a student, I am not qualified to be one. I have messed up with the education system since I came to this world. No one can help me anymore. No wonder I hate studying so much.

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I am pretty happy and relax today as I am nearly done with my finals. Wooohooo.

I will have a small gathering today with my friends tonight and another bar-hopping session with my partner in crime on Monday. Ahhh...relax relax...Learning to relax.

On the other hand, I am trying to become a real lady. GODDAMMIT! Why it is so hard to put liquid eyeliner? Women are very unique creatures. I don't understand why we need to do so many things to look good.

April 22, 2008

Fears

My biggest fears:

- to be someone who's not up to some people's expectation
- failure (not academically)
- men and small children (when they cry and scream and becomes very clingy)
- being not well equipped enough with some certain level of knowledge

If I can overcome this, I will be very happy. I m giving myself 3 months to do so.


Grandma commented I look like a Zombie now. She said I don't look happy and weak. I m hoping things will get better soon.

Fug

Sorry, I don't mean to blog so many times a day. I have been really really emotional due to some problems. Those problems that might lead to adding more people to the poverty list.

Being a woman myself, I have some hidden maternal/motherly instinct in me which is to protect some certain people like my own children and make sure that there are happy. Like a mother, literally speaking. Although I might not look like a potential mother-to-be (in case of old uncles, I am indeed fertile enough for them to bear their children).

I have been put in a situation where I can't do anything but to console and strive hard so that everyone will be happy. No one knows how I feel right now, I can't tell this to anyone. Who should I talk to?

I am always the "Aunt Agony" for them but who listens to my problem? No one. The next potential person to listen to my problem would be a guy who wants to have sex with me at the end of the day. And I can tell you that he's not sensitive enough for me emotionally.

I want everyone to be happy. At least at some point, they found hope in me. But some problems arises in between. Some throw their bitchy fits at me, some complaint to me, some even criticized me for not being someone they want me to be. It's so hard to fulfill everyone's wishes. I am me, I can't change.

Here I am blogging because this will be another night of not being able to sleep because I have had more intense heart beats these days due to more stress that my body can handle. I am a pressure cooker waiting to explode. Just waiting for the right time.

Ice-creams and McDonalds don't make me happy anymore. Sad right?

I will have to sit for 5 papers within 2 weeks. One paper on this Wednesday and I still haven't do anything yet. It's not that I don't want to do, it's because I have to handle other things before I cause someone to starve to death or add another person to the poverty list.

Sometimes I am just too nice that I am ignoring myself. I do have a life aswell right?

Why do I have to go through days of working, studying and making other people happy when I can go to the Spa and relax myself? Have a normal social life? Date someone? Try more food? Shop? Make myself pretty? Do the things I like to do? Read a book (chic-lit) ? Whatever...I just want some freedom for myself. Sometime for myself to chill and relax.

I love myself. I love me.

I need to cry. But I can't. No more tears. The tank is no longer filled with any tear-water.

April 21, 2008

Dumbass

I am sad. I am down.

Reality of being human. Problems just wont go. It will pile up and then it will become a mountain. Probably Mount Everest are made of all the peoples' problems together with the aging Earth.

I am losing myself. I don't know myself anymore.

Sicky

OMG...I am sick. I don't feel well, I feel very dizzy everytime I look down. This is supposed to be the lack of sleep syndrome which occured to me many times before but this time is very serious that I lost my appetite to eat, can't focus on doing anything, don't feel like talking, don't want to move and I hate everyone.

I am so sick, I don't feel like blogging at all. And I shall stop here.


I hate everything and I hate myself for now. Sorry guys. I am sick. Damn it.

April 19, 2008

Hippo




Look at the pic. This reminds me of old dirty uncles whenever they approach me. Wahahahaha. *burp*

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Come let's go eat ice-cream. I m stress.

April 17, 2008

WORK SUX

I am pissed. I am pissed. I am really pissed!

Why on earth some people at work who like to dig out shits from 2005 and blame it all on me and it's not even my fault. Damn it.

They think I am that FREE to go meddle with the shit? I have better things to do. OMFG. WTF is wrong with the world. I am so hopeless. Is it because I look too nice to be bullied? Or because I am too bitchy that people hate me. (Yeah rite, bitchy? I don't even care what is wrong with their life, how bitchy can I get?)

Patience my friend (I am now talking to myself)...patience...I have been damn blardy patient all these while. I have my limits too.

Is it because my past life (if I have one), I killed their dogs or cats or fish that they want to take revenge on me in this life? Is it because I stole their food or drank their wine that they need to kill my appetite?

Fairytales are lies, love stories are big liars, happy-ever-after ending in any movies or books should be burn. There's no such thing as happiness eh? Where's happiness? Show me what is happiness.

I don't believe that happiness ever exist. I have been searching far and wide for it. What is the feeling of being happy? People always take away happiness from me. I hate it very much. First they take away happines and give me sadness. And the best part is that I have never ask for sadness.

ARGHHHHHHH...I wanna bite someone. Don't care if people call me a mad dog.

One more word to say: WORK SUCKS!!!

After I come back from my needed vacation in June, I am going to apply for another job. I can't tolerate anymore. This is like asking for divorce for work. I have been married to work for nearly 6 years, this is what I get? Owh....damn it.

April 12, 2008

Freedom Day 1

Yesterday, after I settled my stuff in uni, I rushed back home (parent's home) and head up straight to do my facial nearby. It's been 2 months since I had one. My face looks like a piece of raw pizza. Thank to the endless eyeball frying session in front of the computer, I have fine line below my eyes. If not treated it will become wrinkles and I will look OLD. NOOOOO! My skin became oily and pimples popping everywhere thanks to the endless night of sleeping late and waking up early. So the beauticians were telling me that I should not stress myself that much. It's evident that my hormones are reacting the way they should be. That time was the only time I look at my face properly on that big mirror. Shit. My skin looks like shit. That time I felt so devastated.

But it was indeed the best facial I have ever had in many many years. They gave me shoulder massage, face massage, facial, eye-mask and Voila!...I felt so refresh after that.

What's next? A lot of things. This month I am going to repair all those obvious ugly parts of my body. Hair, body, face...u name it...

Freedom is such a big word. No more classes, no more assignments. Hahahaha. Happy happy.

And ya, I am on detox (again!). I am drinking some detox tea and I think it's working pretty well. This tea is manufactured in Switzerland and they won some best detox tea thingy last year. So I gave it a try. Holy cow! After I drank it, not even 24 hours, I went 4 times to the toilet and a lot of things came out even I ate a bit yesterday. 10 sachets for 10 days. Only once a day. No side effect, it's safe. I am not that stupid to try those kidney-failing products. No stomach ache or whatsoever. Let's see what I will become in 10 days. T-H-I-N-N-E-R? Wahahaha...I will still be me, only healthier.

Owh....btw, I still have 5 more exam papers to go through. I can't think of any word to describe them but "OH NO!".

Monday night me and the girls will go Partyyyyy!!! And I am sure I have stories to tell after that. UHhh..

April 10, 2008

Men crying episodes

When I see a girl cry, I will laugh. But when I see a guy cry, I will cry too.

It happens so many times before. Let's recall some of those men-crying-episodes that I went through for the past few years.

1) My uncle cried when his father (a.k.a my grandpa) passed away. The moment I saw this, tears came rolling down like waterfall. My heart sores, although I cried before that. My heart sores even more when I feel the love of a son for his beloved father at that moment. (Maybe because I am lack of fatherly love at some point of my life)

2) My ex. After I dumped him. He cried. I saw him cried, somehow I cried too although I resist to show my weakness of crying in front of him. But at the end of the day, I cried in front of him for 5 hours. I don't understand why he need to cry. He should be happy losing me because I am a bitch.

3) My dad weeped when his beloved dog died. I cried. I don't know why. Somehow it touches my heart that my father is a dog-lover which is something I don't know.

4) That homeless oldman in Duesseldorf Hauptbahnhof who was sitting about 2-3 feet in front of me. He was reading a book while drinking some bottled drink from his blue old canvas bag to warm his body. It was winter, the weather was cold and gloomy. I wanted to buy him a bottle of wine to make sure that he can have someting to warm his body. Of course I did not, I am afraid that he will think that I look down on him.

So back to the story, he was reading a book in german. I read some excerpts of it from far, it was a sad german novel. I saw his tears rolling down his cheeks as he flipped through the pages and he felt that book with his thumbs. I think that book has some sentimental value in it. It was an old novel. Tears rolled down again and again. He wiped his tears off with his hands. He wore a torn maroon glove on his right hand. Just imagine, winter with torn gloves. One word: Cold.

It was really a touching situation as I have to go back to Malaysia the very next day. I cried. I cried because I saw him cried. I cried because it was only a few days after Christmas and maybe he doesn't have a family. I can feel the sadness of having to celebrate the festive season alone. I cried because he's old and homeless. I cried because he's white. I have not seen any white men cried before.

And of course I walked away and cried in some secluded place. People must be thinking that I have some mental problem. People who saw me will think,"Ah, this asian girl is crazy. She's crying during the festive season. Poor thing."

5) Elliot Yamin cried during Idol Gives Back. Jeez. Come on. He cried. I cried aswell. Haha. I am such a loser. Take a look at this video.



So, guys, please don't cry in front of me. I will flood a few villages if you do so.

April 08, 2008

Empty bottles

Phew...after a good cry. I finally can laugh.

Crying is good. Especially for people like me. Those bottled up emotions ran free and now that the bottle is empty again, I felt lighter.

2 more days for temporary freedom.

24 more days for permanent freedom out of UM. Wooohoo...

This Saturday, I am going to spend like mad. It's time to indulge in shopping. Wahahaha. What girls do best. I need to buy those things, it's a need. I need to buy so many things.

I need to get a new haircut and colour aswell (I am bored with short hair, bored with brown colour).

Then some lotions and creams and also some paint for the face (cosmetics...eukks).

I feel so whole again even by mentioning them. Wahahahaha.

And then I need a spa session and a facial session. And then I need to meet my friends back home. And then I need more McDonald's and alsoo Banana Milkshake from Dome (fattening but I don't care).

And then I need drag my uni friends along with me to some Clubs or Pubs...whatever. Too bad my best buddy is not here, if not, she will definately go with me. My childhood friends are pretty much nerds and "I-am-pretty-much-of-a-virgin" type which I dare not to ask them to go with me. Sometimes they think I will probably ask some men to "deflower" them especially the one who always ask me to study and study and study. (Best buddy sure know who I am talking about).

Wahahahaha. I think I need to cry more so that the world would be a better place. World peace.

(Someone said that I have attitude problem. If I don't have attitude problem, he will be Prince Charles isn't it?)

Talking about attitude, another dude told me, "Hey, you really have an ATTITUDE, you know that? You're so much fun to be with!"

So now, which one should I believe?

April 07, 2008

Emo...emo

This is the first time I cried this year.

I cried and cried and cried alone. Alone in the dark.

I cried because I feel sad. I am not that STRONG afterall. I've been denying the fact that I am emotionally weak.

I cried because I m very UNHAPPY with my life. Damn it. I have NO LIFE.

I really wanna run away from this.

I cried because I don't have the chance to live like normal. The last movie I watch in Malaysia? That would be Transformers. Jeez.

The last time I hang out with my friends? Last year before I flew off.

The last time I club? Last year.

The last time someone console me about life? Last year.

The last time I fell in love? Last year.

The last time I buy something useless for myself? Last year.

The last time I receive my paycheck? Last year.

The last time I go on a date? Last year.

The last time I feel that I have a life? Last year.

The last time I really have friends around me partying like crazy? Last year.

I've been so damn bloody nice lately to stick to my assignments and work that I don't have time for myself. I am socially impared. A social butterfly like me became social-less. Just imagine that. Seriously, this is depressing.

The tears keep on flowing like mad. I don't wanna cry. But my body is crying.

I want to be FREE.

I need to get out and have a life. I need to talk to people not my computer. I need to get my life back. Arghhhhh....

I have been patient enough to go through 3 years of emotional distress. 3 years of emotional roller-coaster ride. 3 years of learning to love someone, learning to love myself, being in and out of relationship, being myself, balancing life, balancing work and studies, balancing the people, balancing my health and of course those idiots that I met along the way. I am so tired of this.

I want my FREEDOM.

Letter to myself

The BEST-est feeling ever......................
.
.
.
.
.
... is when I am not committed to any 9-5 work or whatsoever. I am a free bird again. I can go on with my holidays and live and breathe and laugh and be happy again...Woohooo..

But apart of me (of course)...no doubt... I do have a lil sad feeling on the bottom of my little heart. Just 5%. Sad because the chance came at the wrong time of the year. Sad that I felt I am useless.

Now I can happily stalk Hollywood stars in L.A and gamble in Vegas with no strings attached to my legs. Next month will be it. Woohoo....now I can extend my stay in US and I can go on with things I like to do most. TRAVEL!

I need a break. The last time I had a break and really enjoyed myself would be in December last year. I tend to replace my "Best travel moments" with the latest destination. Although I stayed in Holland for a week, I still prefer Germany.

Now...I have a presentation at 3pm today and I am here blogging!

I love to blog sometimes, it's like telling myself of my feelings (as if I don't have friends around me).

To: Myself

Dear myself,

Don't feel sad. Be happy. There's nothing to be sad of. If you're meant to be SOMEONE, you will be SOMEONE. If you're meant to be NO ONE, then you will be NO ONE.

Now go focus on your presentation and do your very best. Impress the lecturer with your public speaking ability and vow the audience with your wit and charm. Don't think to much.

P.S. If you're terrified to face your family members. Just tell them that you won't be happy with a 9 to 5 work everyday. And tell them you will become very grumpy and moody everyday if I have to work from 9 to 5. Everyone will be a victim. So world peace!

From: Myself

April 03, 2008

iLike

People always say,

"Do the things you like in life."


After days and days of consideration, I've decided to:

1) quit company A

2) delay company B's request

3) live my student life to the fullest. 29 days more till complete freedom!

4) ignore the ignorables

5) care for the "care-ables" (the word doesn't exist, what I meant was those people who are worth caring for)

6) delete useless people in my contact list, my MSN, my address book

7) forgive and forget forever some certain people/memories/feelings that has been haunting me

8) ask someone to "GO TO HELL"

9) ask another one to "GO TO HELL" aswell

10) tell someone,"No matter how much you pretended that you're not, the fact is you're just one of them. You've not only cheated my feelings but also my trust. Have a life, dude! Bye bye forever!"

11) eat more, sleep more, party more...

April 01, 2008

Week 15



Isn't technology amazing. It's a girl...

And I won't give her names like Victoria or Paris. Wahahaha!