Thank you for all who gave me the well wishes and support.
I am okay now I guess.
My friends are not happy with this at all. 3 of them are so down and when I see them like this, I did felt something. I felt sad as well.
No one will say life is easy but we still have to go on. This is not the first time problems come to me like a hurricane. I have had my series of unfortunate events a few years back, a series of unwanted dramas on the road a few months back and everything will be fine I guess. I am trying to be very positive now.
I believe there will be sunshine after the rain. Unless the sun has gone missing from our solar system. That would be DOOMSDAY.
I am not afraid. If I can survive 3 years of uni life which is like tougher than working life with classes from 8am to 8pm and all the unwanted attention from lecturers and troubles given to me during that time. With people around me who always give me problem regardless of age, place, ethnicity, etc etc and with my luck of getting into trouble all the time because of my clumsiness or other people's fault. I believe I can pull through this one.
All I need is time to figure this out and be happy. Yes, happy is the word.
So it depends on me now on how I manage my time. And how to avoid the abundance of national holidays in Malaysia.
Focus, positive. Focus, positive.
Yeap, that's all I need.
Stay focus and be positive.
Okay, now I should feel better and happier. Time to move to Plan B. If this Plan B fails there's Plan C and D till Z. After Z there's still Z1 till Z1000000. So yeah, I shall take a hot shower now and forget about all those things that happened today. Yes, forgive and forget. I will have a happier life. No grudges, no vendetta, no vengeance.
September 30, 2008
Where?
I told myself not to take any flights from that airline again. But...because it's cheaper than others...*sigh*...I am taking another flight with this airline again. Because it's way way way cheaper and er....well...cheap. Okay the conclusion is, it's a lot cheaper compared to others.
I am set to fly on the 29th of October at 0030 hrs and I will be reaching Frankfurt Airport on the 29th morning. And then linger around for a while before heading to Berlin with my favourite ICE train. I hope I will still be sane when I reach Berlin.
Another choice would be taking British Airways which offers an insanely crazy route from KL to Hong Kong then to London then Berlin. Pheww....that's like ages to reach Berlin.
------------------------------------
A lot of things happened during this month. I nearly lost hope. I nearly give up. I nearly whack someone.
Today, someone at the Embassy pisses me off. Just because I am honest enough to tell her I am paying for my expenses in Germany. Ok. What is the problem of me financing myself to study in Germany? Is that a big problem? She was expecting an answer like,"My dad will finance everything". Maybe because I look young like a small kid and that I can't afford to pay for anything yet in my life. And most importantly, she's not even a german or anything but a typical chinese. I hate the way she look at me and say things sarcastically and yet I am still smilling. And the best part is in front of everyone at the Embassy. It's really embarassing but I keep cool.
I don't blame my bad luck (or whatever stupid power it is) to be humiliated like that.
And I still remember her face of telling me, "You won't be able to fly to Germany this year". WHATTTT!!! No way, I paid for everything already, so now another way would be coming back after 90 days there (as a tourist) and then fly back there again for another 90 days until I get my student visa. Yes, people, you will be seeing me during Chinese New Year because I am flying back.
It will take about a year to apply for a student visa including all those things like opening another bank account there, financial proof that I won't run away and marry a german there, etc etc. OMG...why am I being treated this way? Logically speaking, why would I want to become an illegal immigrant there when I am a Malaysian (in a country where there're loadsa good food, still underpopulated, cheap food and most importantly food are available everywhere for 24 hours?) I will be there just to sit for that very important exam because I got into this branch of studies and that I can't turn myself anywhere but to look forward.
I swear to God another lady was way way way nicer than she is, she didn't even look at my documents and gave me a very rude look. OMG. I hate her. The another lady was nice enough to give me information on things that I should do.
Yeah, once again, this is just another thing that happen everyday here. So it's practically nothing to be sad of.
I felt like an asylum seeker now. I don't know why am I doing this... just because that particular exam paper? Is it wrong to have a passion for someting in my life? Is it wrong to look forward? Is it wrong to at least achieve something small in my life?
I really sacrifice a lot for this paper. Seriously. I was dissed by a lot of people in my life. They say:
1) With that amount of money u are going to spend there, why don't you buy a house here?
2) Why do you want to go there at this age? You should settle down with someone and get married and have kids? (OMG...this is impossible)
3) You can do a lot of things with that amount of money in Malaysia, why waste it on a piece of paper? You are indeed stupid.
4) You're stupid. So stupid. What will that paper give you? Gold?
You see...that's the mentality of the people around me, it's all about money. To them money is their life and soul. Not only I have to be brave and deter myself from getting hurt because of their words, I have to settle everything myself. From A to Z. It was indeed tiring. But that is what I will do to get someting I want in my life.
You see, everyone has different dreams. Mine is pretty simple actually. After one level, I will go to another level to make myself a better person or be in a better position. Money is also important to me but not till the extent that I will buy a house here and get myself tied down with the mortgage for now.
I want a spanking new car aswell but I feel that my personal achievement is much more important that material things like that.
Why can't anyone suport me emotionally?
After graduation, I lost myself. I don't know what I want in life anymore. I lost the motivation to go on. This is not me. I can't be opening doors for life. I can't be in that position for life. I can't be staying at the same spot for life. I was really not happy that time.
At the end of the day, I found myself tied to my passion for the world of languages. It's a beautiful world to me with endless possibilities. That's when I decided to improve my proficiency although my english has gone bad...really bad compared to years before.
Things became bad when people start to compare you with other people, "Oh you see that 2nd/3rd/[insert any number here] cousin of yours, he/she is so clever/capable/[insert any adjective here], at your age, he/she is [insert any achievements here]. Yada yada yada...
Tired of these bullshit. I really am.
If I could see the future in front of me, I will be telling them stories or make a movie out of it.
All I want is just a simple pat on my shoulder and tell me everything is going to be alright.
I am set to fly on the 29th of October at 0030 hrs and I will be reaching Frankfurt Airport on the 29th morning. And then linger around for a while before heading to Berlin with my favourite ICE train. I hope I will still be sane when I reach Berlin.
Another choice would be taking British Airways which offers an insanely crazy route from KL to Hong Kong then to London then Berlin. Pheww....that's like ages to reach Berlin.
------------------------------------
A lot of things happened during this month. I nearly lost hope. I nearly give up. I nearly whack someone.
Today, someone at the Embassy pisses me off. Just because I am honest enough to tell her I am paying for my expenses in Germany. Ok. What is the problem of me financing myself to study in Germany? Is that a big problem? She was expecting an answer like,"My dad will finance everything". Maybe because I look young like a small kid and that I can't afford to pay for anything yet in my life. And most importantly, she's not even a german or anything but a typical chinese. I hate the way she look at me and say things sarcastically and yet I am still smilling. And the best part is in front of everyone at the Embassy. It's really embarassing but I keep cool.
I don't blame my bad luck (or whatever stupid power it is) to be humiliated like that.
And I still remember her face of telling me, "You won't be able to fly to Germany this year". WHATTTT!!! No way, I paid for everything already, so now another way would be coming back after 90 days there (as a tourist) and then fly back there again for another 90 days until I get my student visa. Yes, people, you will be seeing me during Chinese New Year because I am flying back.
It will take about a year to apply for a student visa including all those things like opening another bank account there, financial proof that I won't run away and marry a german there, etc etc. OMG...why am I being treated this way? Logically speaking, why would I want to become an illegal immigrant there when I am a Malaysian (in a country where there're loadsa good food, still underpopulated, cheap food and most importantly food are available everywhere for 24 hours?) I will be there just to sit for that very important exam because I got into this branch of studies and that I can't turn myself anywhere but to look forward.
I swear to God another lady was way way way nicer than she is, she didn't even look at my documents and gave me a very rude look. OMG. I hate her. The another lady was nice enough to give me information on things that I should do.
Yeah, once again, this is just another thing that happen everyday here. So it's practically nothing to be sad of.
I felt like an asylum seeker now. I don't know why am I doing this... just because that particular exam paper? Is it wrong to have a passion for someting in my life? Is it wrong to look forward? Is it wrong to at least achieve something small in my life?
I really sacrifice a lot for this paper. Seriously. I was dissed by a lot of people in my life. They say:
1) With that amount of money u are going to spend there, why don't you buy a house here?
2) Why do you want to go there at this age? You should settle down with someone and get married and have kids? (OMG...this is impossible)
3) You can do a lot of things with that amount of money in Malaysia, why waste it on a piece of paper? You are indeed stupid.
4) You're stupid. So stupid. What will that paper give you? Gold?
You see...that's the mentality of the people around me, it's all about money. To them money is their life and soul. Not only I have to be brave and deter myself from getting hurt because of their words, I have to settle everything myself. From A to Z. It was indeed tiring. But that is what I will do to get someting I want in my life.
You see, everyone has different dreams. Mine is pretty simple actually. After one level, I will go to another level to make myself a better person or be in a better position. Money is also important to me but not till the extent that I will buy a house here and get myself tied down with the mortgage for now.
I want a spanking new car aswell but I feel that my personal achievement is much more important that material things like that.
Why can't anyone suport me emotionally?
After graduation, I lost myself. I don't know what I want in life anymore. I lost the motivation to go on. This is not me. I can't be opening doors for life. I can't be in that position for life. I can't be staying at the same spot for life. I was really not happy that time.
At the end of the day, I found myself tied to my passion for the world of languages. It's a beautiful world to me with endless possibilities. That's when I decided to improve my proficiency although my english has gone bad...really bad compared to years before.
Things became bad when people start to compare you with other people, "Oh you see that 2nd/3rd/[insert any number here] cousin of yours, he/she is so clever/capable/[insert any adjective here], at your age, he/she is [insert any achievements here]. Yada yada yada...
Tired of these bullshit. I really am.
If I could see the future in front of me, I will be telling them stories or make a movie out of it.
All I want is just a simple pat on my shoulder and tell me everything is going to be alright.
September 28, 2008
Bored
I am bored like madddddd
I am really really bored
Although I just came back from tea with my friends I am really bored now
I waited too long for that damn letter that I feel that I am 30 years old now. When is that letter gonna arrive? I thought I told them to send me an express mail and I paid 40 Euros for it. Why is the letter not arriving yet?
OMGGGG...This is really testing my patience.
----------------------------------
My nightmare of people dying around me is here again. Whenever I close my eyes for a nap, nasty dreams like people killing themselves or dying just like that around me is here again. And of course I am going crazy again. Why do I have to have such dreadful dreams like this. It's been nearly a week now. Imagine, every night, u dream of people dying. How pathetic is that?
Why do people have to die in front of me in my dreams?
I am really really bored
Although I just came back from tea with my friends I am really bored now
I waited too long for that damn letter that I feel that I am 30 years old now. When is that letter gonna arrive? I thought I told them to send me an express mail and I paid 40 Euros for it. Why is the letter not arriving yet?
OMGGGG...This is really testing my patience.
----------------------------------
My nightmare of people dying around me is here again. Whenever I close my eyes for a nap, nasty dreams like people killing themselves or dying just like that around me is here again. And of course I am going crazy again. Why do I have to have such dreadful dreams like this. It's been nearly a week now. Imagine, every night, u dream of people dying. How pathetic is that?
Why do people have to die in front of me in my dreams?
September 26, 2008
Babies babies
Awwww....my uncle is now a dad. And I saw the baby's pic and she is soooooooo cute. And she shares the same birthdate with my best friend. Wahahaha.
And I am honoured because they gave me the honour to name their baby's middle name. Ain't that sweet...
My uncle always asked me, "So when is your turn?"
And I will always answer, "What turn?"
He will definately says, "Your turn to get married and have babies laaah"
And I will give him a blank look like this O____O
...because I know I won't make a good mother for now. I am not committed to be one yet.
A lot of my attached friends are planning to get married in 3 years time, while me on the other hand, am planning to feed leaves to the girraffes in Africa or sand boarding somewhere in the world in 3 years time.
But looking at those baby photos makes me feel that I would like to have one now. Maybe this is another syndrome of my so-called quarter life crisis. Rite?
And I am honoured because they gave me the honour to name their baby's middle name. Ain't that sweet...
My uncle always asked me, "So when is your turn?"
And I will always answer, "What turn?"
He will definately says, "Your turn to get married and have babies laaah"
And I will give him a blank look like this O____O
...because I know I won't make a good mother for now. I am not committed to be one yet.
A lot of my attached friends are planning to get married in 3 years time, while me on the other hand, am planning to feed leaves to the girraffes in Africa or sand boarding somewhere in the world in 3 years time.
But looking at those baby photos makes me feel that I would like to have one now. Maybe this is another syndrome of my so-called quarter life crisis. Rite?
September 25, 2008
Never ever
One reason why I like to blog here.
It seems like there's a magical power within this blog that will help me whenever I felt I am in a mess.
That girl didn't give me any information that I need for the contract. So I google-ed for the company and I found it and I sent them a mail and I am looking forward for their reply tomorrow. I am now in a never-give-up-even-you-have-to-eat-bread-for-one-whole-month mood.
As for the school, I will again give them a call and I will then see what will happen after that. So for now I will deal with these 2 things first before I start to solve those remainding 7 problems.
People say my life is very interesting moving from one country to another or missing in action as much as I like. I think they will probably cry when they are in my shoe. The amount of things that happen in between are countless and only one thing that keeps me going... is only the never-give-up-even-you-have-to-eat-bread-for-one-whole-month motivation. The best part is to deal this alone when no one can help you. Sometimes I would really want to thank my parents for bringing me up this way of throwing me to the outside world without giving me any moral or financial support.
So for now, no matter what happen, I will be sticking to my never-give-up-even-you-have-to-eat-bread-for-one-whole-month motivation until I reach Berlin.
I know even when I reach Berlin, the house will give me problems and a lot of other problems. That's another chapter of my life, so just wait and see.
I will never-give-up-even-I-have-to-eat-bread-for-one-whole-month!!!
It seems like there's a magical power within this blog that will help me whenever I felt I am in a mess.
That girl didn't give me any information that I need for the contract. So I google-ed for the company and I found it and I sent them a mail and I am looking forward for their reply tomorrow. I am now in a never-give-up-even-you-have-to-eat-bread-for-one-whole-month mood.
As for the school, I will again give them a call and I will then see what will happen after that. So for now I will deal with these 2 things first before I start to solve those remainding 7 problems.
People say my life is very interesting moving from one country to another or missing in action as much as I like. I think they will probably cry when they are in my shoe. The amount of things that happen in between are countless and only one thing that keeps me going... is only the never-give-up-even-you-have-to-eat-bread-for-one-whole-month motivation. The best part is to deal this alone when no one can help you. Sometimes I would really want to thank my parents for bringing me up this way of throwing me to the outside world without giving me any moral or financial support.
So for now, no matter what happen, I will be sticking to my never-give-up-even-you-have-to-eat-bread-for-one-whole-month motivation until I reach Berlin.
I know even when I reach Berlin, the house will give me problems and a lot of other problems. That's another chapter of my life, so just wait and see.
I will never-give-up-even-I-have-to-eat-bread-for-one-whole-month!!!
September 24, 2008
Major Headache
I am having a really great headache now.
I have never encountered so many problems dealing with things like this ever in my life.
First the person in charge of renting the house to me, is very irresponsible. Why? Because she didn't reply my emails and sms. And also the place looks very...hmm...how do I say this...messy? It's okay with the great cleaning power of my friend's hand, she will turn this house squeaky clean and with the great bargaining power of mine, hopefully I will be able to turn this place into a comfortable and more "live-able" place with better furniture and utensils.
Second, that damn school haven't replied my emails aswell regarding the deposit payment that I have made last week. When I called the office in Berlin yesterday, she said that the person in charge is on holiday and will be back today. And when I ask my friend to called today, that same woman said that she will be on holiday till next week. What is this?
Thirdly, without the letter from that school, I won't be able to go to Germany on time due to my Visa application.
Fourthly, since my bosses haven't pay me yet, looks like I will have to eat bread till they pay me.
Fifthly, without the letter, I won't be able to get student price flight ticket to Germany. And so now I will have to wait till I get that damn letter.
Sixthly, when I am having so many things in my mind, some people just love to annoy me and make me angry. So, yeah, now I am still being patient.
Seventhly, my Fixed Deposit is stuck there until end of this month, which means I will have to eat more bread to survive.
Eigthly, with the magical power of stress, one big pimple popped out and this is the largest pimple I have ever got in my whole entire life on my face. It's no only painful but it is also very big and makes me even uglier. So now, when I woke up, I look at myself in the mirror, I see a ghost, which makes me even sadder.
So now, I am goign to eat more bread and have more pimples popping out while waiting for that damn letter to arrive, that girl to reply me and my bosses to pay me.
I have never encountered so many problems dealing with things like this ever in my life.
First the person in charge of renting the house to me, is very irresponsible. Why? Because she didn't reply my emails and sms. And also the place looks very...hmm...how do I say this...messy? It's okay with the great cleaning power of my friend's hand, she will turn this house squeaky clean and with the great bargaining power of mine, hopefully I will be able to turn this place into a comfortable and more "live-able" place with better furniture and utensils.
Second, that damn school haven't replied my emails aswell regarding the deposit payment that I have made last week. When I called the office in Berlin yesterday, she said that the person in charge is on holiday and will be back today. And when I ask my friend to called today, that same woman said that she will be on holiday till next week. What is this?
Thirdly, without the letter from that school, I won't be able to go to Germany on time due to my Visa application.
Fourthly, since my bosses haven't pay me yet, looks like I will have to eat bread till they pay me.
Fifthly, without the letter, I won't be able to get student price flight ticket to Germany. And so now I will have to wait till I get that damn letter.
Sixthly, when I am having so many things in my mind, some people just love to annoy me and make me angry. So, yeah, now I am still being patient.
Seventhly, my Fixed Deposit is stuck there until end of this month, which means I will have to eat more bread to survive.
Eigthly, with the magical power of stress, one big pimple popped out and this is the largest pimple I have ever got in my whole entire life on my face. It's no only painful but it is also very big and makes me even uglier. So now, when I woke up, I look at myself in the mirror, I see a ghost, which makes me even sadder.
So now, I am goign to eat more bread and have more pimples popping out while waiting for that damn letter to arrive, that girl to reply me and my bosses to pay me.
September 22, 2008
!@#$%^
If I have the chance:
1) I would really love to chop some annoying and troublesome people into pieces and feed it to the dogs.
2) I would not want to come back here. I would wanna spend every single 4-6 months in a new country till I die. If not I will die sooner before my expiry date.
3) I would really love to slap some people on the spot but being me of course, I have never slap anyone before, so it's nearly impossible to do so. But I wanted to slap someone so badly now. I am fumingly furious that my head is going to burst soon and my blood is boiling.
I am indeed ANGRY and FURIOUS
1) I would really love to chop some annoying and troublesome people into pieces and feed it to the dogs.
2) I would not want to come back here. I would wanna spend every single 4-6 months in a new country till I die. If not I will die sooner before my expiry date.
3) I would really love to slap some people on the spot but being me of course, I have never slap anyone before, so it's nearly impossible to do so. But I wanted to slap someone so badly now. I am fumingly furious that my head is going to burst soon and my blood is boiling.
I am indeed ANGRY and FURIOUS
September 20, 2008
OMG...my stomach is going to burst soon.
I went out with my best buddy just now for Korean food and we eat non-stop from 8 pm-ish till about 10 pm-ish. I felt so full right now and I feel like I am carrying a heavy load inside my tummy.
We did eat like a man. We had a lot of side-dishes and a lot of tea.
Too bad we didn't bring our camera with us, if not you can really see the amount of food we consume in a matter of 2 hours. It's pretty amazing. I am impressed with my performance of eating THAT much.
I think the table next to us must be thinking that, "These girls are mutants, look at the amount of food on their table".
Now I have to stop writing as I have a very important mission to settle.
.
.
.
.
.
THE TOILET
I went out with my best buddy just now for Korean food and we eat non-stop from 8 pm-ish till about 10 pm-ish. I felt so full right now and I feel like I am carrying a heavy load inside my tummy.
We did eat like a man. We had a lot of side-dishes and a lot of tea.
Too bad we didn't bring our camera with us, if not you can really see the amount of food we consume in a matter of 2 hours. It's pretty amazing. I am impressed with my performance of eating THAT much.
I think the table next to us must be thinking that, "These girls are mutants, look at the amount of food on their table".
Now I have to stop writing as I have a very important mission to settle.
.
.
.
.
.
THE TOILET
September 19, 2008
Hunting
My stomach still feels very funny today. Like I said, serves me right. I shouldn't have eaten so muchhhhhh T__T
My aunt was pretty nice today, she bought me a Calvin Klein Jacket and a pair of sleeping pants. And that mischievous nephew of mine is also pretty nice today pestering his mother to let me have lunch at their house but I can't make it because I have got tonnes of things to do today.
I am still looking for a house in Berlin. My budget is Euro 500 and it must have internet and a decent kitchen. Without the kitchen I will cry. Without internet I will be lifeless. I don't mind if there're no bed and a mattress will do. Internet is more important than my bed or my toilet. Actually toilet is also important. But a clean one will do. And a washing machine will be perfect.
Hmm...now that my friend is joining me to Berlin, I felt happier. At least she can cook better than me and her hobby is washing clothes and cleaning the house because she said by doing so it relieves all her stresses. And hopefully my another friend will be able to make it there as well. She also loves cooking. Looks like all my friends loves cooking but I love my laptop and internet and also not forgetting my camera more than any other thing in the world.
I am still waiting for that letter from Berlin. Damn. All my life I have been waiting for letters and etc etc. Patience is the word.....Patience....
My aunt was pretty nice today, she bought me a Calvin Klein Jacket and a pair of sleeping pants. And that mischievous nephew of mine is also pretty nice today pestering his mother to let me have lunch at their house but I can't make it because I have got tonnes of things to do today.
I am still looking for a house in Berlin. My budget is Euro 500 and it must have internet and a decent kitchen. Without the kitchen I will cry. Without internet I will be lifeless. I don't mind if there're no bed and a mattress will do. Internet is more important than my bed or my toilet. Actually toilet is also important. But a clean one will do. And a washing machine will be perfect.
Hmm...now that my friend is joining me to Berlin, I felt happier. At least she can cook better than me and her hobby is washing clothes and cleaning the house because she said by doing so it relieves all her stresses. And hopefully my another friend will be able to make it there as well. She also loves cooking. Looks like all my friends loves cooking but I love my laptop and internet and also not forgetting my camera more than any other thing in the world.
I am still waiting for that letter from Berlin. Damn. All my life I have been waiting for letters and etc etc. Patience is the word.....Patience....
September 18, 2008
Painnnn
I am lying on my bed typing this.
My stomach is reacting in such a weird way that I can't walk or talk normally.
Serves me right.
Too much food today.
My stomach is reacting in such a weird way that I can't walk or talk normally.
Serves me right.
Too much food today.
September 17, 2008
Nonsense
I m gaining weight
Yes, I am gaining weight....like a LOT
I am eating like nobody's business because I know I wont be able to eat my favorite food when I am there already...
Hmm...good or bad?
----------------------------------
I have been lost for nearly 2 months now. Why am I so lost like this? I don't know. Referring to my old blog entries, I see myself as someone who always have plans, activities and etc etc. Now I am just a plain boring one living on earth wasting oxygen and polluting the world.
And making the world a less peaceful place with climate change and global warming. And also sound pollution and also water pollution...and all the other pollution in the world.
I think I am going nuts if I don't do something about it. I need to do something productive. Hmmm...
Producing babies are productive activities no? Haha. See...I am really out of my mind right now.
Yes, I am gaining weight....like a LOT
I am eating like nobody's business because I know I wont be able to eat my favorite food when I am there already...
Hmm...good or bad?
----------------------------------
I have been lost for nearly 2 months now. Why am I so lost like this? I don't know. Referring to my old blog entries, I see myself as someone who always have plans, activities and etc etc. Now I am just a plain boring one living on earth wasting oxygen and polluting the world.
And making the world a less peaceful place with climate change and global warming. And also sound pollution and also water pollution...and all the other pollution in the world.
I think I am going nuts if I don't do something about it. I need to do something productive. Hmmm...
Producing babies are productive activities no? Haha. See...I am really out of my mind right now.
September 15, 2008
In the midst of being lost in my own life....suddenly I received a message from my Facebook.
It was a message written by a long lost friend of mine who went missing 2 years ago after confessing his feelings to me. And now he's back with the same mission. I never thought I would hear from him again....EVER. Afterall I rejected him very clearly on the phone.
This time the same thing will happen. Afterall... I have no feelings for him and also the fact that I am going to further my studies soon.
On the other hand, another friend of mine, the one I used to like said that he misses me very much yesterday and he tried to call me but I am not picking up. Wahahaha...this is so funny. When I am still alive and breathing normally here, he did not even bothered to care about my feelings. And now he is back again in my life. Sorry man. I am leaving soon.
There goes, love is always a mystery and will always be. Whenever I am out of the country or leaving the country soon, things like these always happen.
-----------------------------
Now bigger problem arises. Looks like I am going to Berlin alone all by myself. My friends couldn't make it and I felt so lonely after their decision. OMG!!!
How am I supposed to live alone in a foreign place? As I grow older, the fear of being alone really scares me.
People say, when you want something really badly, nothing is a challenge. So, yeah, I need to pass my exam really badly. To pass the exam is my only goal now. Because that exam is like a passport to everything for now.
So I shall not have any fear in my mind right now and focus on passing that paper. 6 months is all I need. 6 months!!!
6 months to build the fat in my body with Doener and Currywurst.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Somehow I am still scaredddd
It was a message written by a long lost friend of mine who went missing 2 years ago after confessing his feelings to me. And now he's back with the same mission. I never thought I would hear from him again....EVER. Afterall I rejected him very clearly on the phone.
This time the same thing will happen. Afterall... I have no feelings for him and also the fact that I am going to further my studies soon.
On the other hand, another friend of mine, the one I used to like said that he misses me very much yesterday and he tried to call me but I am not picking up. Wahahaha...this is so funny. When I am still alive and breathing normally here, he did not even bothered to care about my feelings. And now he is back again in my life. Sorry man. I am leaving soon.
There goes, love is always a mystery and will always be. Whenever I am out of the country or leaving the country soon, things like these always happen.
-----------------------------
Now bigger problem arises. Looks like I am going to Berlin alone all by myself. My friends couldn't make it and I felt so lonely after their decision. OMG!!!
How am I supposed to live alone in a foreign place? As I grow older, the fear of being alone really scares me.
People say, when you want something really badly, nothing is a challenge. So, yeah, I need to pass my exam really badly. To pass the exam is my only goal now. Because that exam is like a passport to everything for now.
So I shall not have any fear in my mind right now and focus on passing that paper. 6 months is all I need. 6 months!!!
6 months to build the fat in my body with Doener and Currywurst.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Somehow I am still scaredddd
September 13, 2008
I don't know anymore
I am feeling at lost again. I don't know what I want now.
I am frustfrated with all the application forms, air tickets, money problems, cancelation problems, stupid problems, etc etc.
I am frustfrated with my bosses who havent pay me a single cent yet since March, I am frustfrated with the company which I opened doors for for not paying my last payment, I am frustfrated with my friend who owe me a quite big amount of money which can be used to pay for my air tickets, I am frustfrated with the people who has negative thoughts who made my day gloomier and also a lot of other stupid stuff which I think is not necessary in life.
I am also frustfrated with myself who still have feelings for someone but still have not got the guts to tell him the truth.
I am frustfrated with everything and everyone around me.
This time I did not run away. I face them with my bare face. That is why I am so frustfrated.
I am so tired of the things around me.
------------------------------------------
It's been 9 months since my last drop of alcohol. I've made it. I won the bet.
I am frustfrated with all the application forms, air tickets, money problems, cancelation problems, stupid problems, etc etc.
I am frustfrated with my bosses who havent pay me a single cent yet since March, I am frustfrated with the company which I opened doors for for not paying my last payment, I am frustfrated with my friend who owe me a quite big amount of money which can be used to pay for my air tickets, I am frustfrated with the people who has negative thoughts who made my day gloomier and also a lot of other stupid stuff which I think is not necessary in life.
I am also frustfrated with myself who still have feelings for someone but still have not got the guts to tell him the truth.
I am frustfrated with everything and everyone around me.
This time I did not run away. I face them with my bare face. That is why I am so frustfrated.
I am so tired of the things around me.
------------------------------------------
It's been 9 months since my last drop of alcohol. I've made it. I won the bet.
September 12, 2008
Eaten by fishes
After clearing some stuff from my house, my friend suggested that we should go for a spa to relax ourselves. I was expecting some body spa with massage and all because I've just strained my back. It hurts till now. Looks like I am getting old and I can no longer carry heavy things like what I use to do anymore. Ouch. :(
And guess what? No.........she didn't bring me to a beauty spa but to a fish spa. I was like..."I AM SO GOING TO KILL YOU FOR THIS. FISH SPA? U KIDDING ME?"
But I was really tired that time and I don't really care, it's still spa anyway. So then I paid RM38 to "enjoy" this very unique experiance. Being virgins (me+my friend) with these fishes makes us pretty scared and there are a lof of "What IFs" boggling our minds as we dip our feet into the water:
What if I lose my toe after this?
What if they eat my whole leg?
What if they are...?
And there goes our very virginal feet into the water filled with horny turkish fish. They are called Doctor Fish and were imported from Turkey. And we were laughing our ass off as my friend reminded me of the incident where I got kissed by a turkish in a club back in Germany.
I screamed as the fishes swam across my feet nibbling everything and the worker there was like,"Miss, you have to relax to enjoy the moment...Relax"
I mumbling to myself, "How am I going to enjoy myself when they are so so so ticklish and crazy and they are starving as if they havent eaten for weeks?"
All the fishes in that particular pool which I share with my friend were focusing to my feet. I was like,"Hey you fishies, why are you coming to my feet? Can't you focus on my friend's feet, it's her that needed your special treatment and not me?
As the fishies nibbling my feet, I thought to myself, I felt dirty. I mean, it feels liek as if I haven't bathed for days and that I have a lot of dead skin on my feet to be cleared away. But the reality is that my friend's dead skin were very tough and rough and some can't be eaten just like that, and mine was softer and easier to chew on. LOL.
And since they nibbled our feet, I asked my friend to dip her hand into the water aswell. She did. All the fishies ran to her hand....
but not mine...they are not interested with my hand
OMG...look at those fishies. The traffic of these fishies are even more than the traffic to my blog.
I shook my feet a bit because it was so ticklish I can't really take it. I was cursing around because I felt it's a torture to pay RM38 to suffer. Poof...
But after about 15 minutes, I am getting used to the desperate fishies and in some way it is very relaxing.
Yum yum yum...
Ngap ngap ngap...
There goes my activity of the day. Fish spa. It's worth the try and you should really try them. I am going back there next week with my aunt. I would love to see her reaction and laugh at it. WHAHAHAHAHAHA.
And guess what? No.........she didn't bring me to a beauty spa but to a fish spa. I was like..."I AM SO GOING TO KILL YOU FOR THIS. FISH SPA? U KIDDING ME?"
But I was really tired that time and I don't really care, it's still spa anyway. So then I paid RM38 to "enjoy" this very unique experiance. Being virgins (me+my friend) with these fishes makes us pretty scared and there are a lof of "What IFs" boggling our minds as we dip our feet into the water:
What if I lose my toe after this?
What if they eat my whole leg?
What if they are...?
And there goes our very virginal feet into the water filled with horny turkish fish. They are called Doctor Fish and were imported from Turkey. And we were laughing our ass off as my friend reminded me of the incident where I got kissed by a turkish in a club back in Germany.
I screamed as the fishes swam across my feet nibbling everything and the worker there was like,"Miss, you have to relax to enjoy the moment...Relax"
I mumbling to myself, "How am I going to enjoy myself when they are so so so ticklish and crazy and they are starving as if they havent eaten for weeks?"
All the fishes in that particular pool which I share with my friend were focusing to my feet. I was like,"Hey you fishies, why are you coming to my feet? Can't you focus on my friend's feet, it's her that needed your special treatment and not me?
As the fishies nibbling my feet, I thought to myself, I felt dirty. I mean, it feels liek as if I haven't bathed for days and that I have a lot of dead skin on my feet to be cleared away. But the reality is that my friend's dead skin were very tough and rough and some can't be eaten just like that, and mine was softer and easier to chew on. LOL.
And since they nibbled our feet, I asked my friend to dip her hand into the water aswell. She did. All the fishies ran to her hand....
but not mine...they are not interested with my hand
OMG...look at those fishies. The traffic of these fishies are even more than the traffic to my blog.
I shook my feet a bit because it was so ticklish I can't really take it. I was cursing around because I felt it's a torture to pay RM38 to suffer. Poof...
But after about 15 minutes, I am getting used to the desperate fishies and in some way it is very relaxing.
Yum yum yum...
Ngap ngap ngap...
There goes my activity of the day. Fish spa. It's worth the try and you should really try them. I am going back there next week with my aunt. I would love to see her reaction and laugh at it. WHAHAHAHAHAHA.
September 11, 2008
Düsseldorf or Berlin?
Now, the question of the day:
Düsseldorf or Berlin?
Oh gosh! How am I going to decide on this?
It's West and East of Germany.
Let's see:
Düsseldorf
Pros
- I have been there, I know what to expect, I know which shop sells the freshest bread, where to run, where to hide, where to cry, etc
- Nearer to Holland so we can visit my European Dad (my dad's best friend who is so caring, he's like our substitute dad in Europe) every month
- My host mother is there, she will bake me more cookies and I will be happy
- Belgium, Luxembourg and France is just a few stations away.
Cons
- Will be boring, same old stuff, same old road, same old winter
- Living cost is higher than Berlin (some say)
Berlin
Pros
- Cheaper than the above
- new place, new life, more exciting adventure, more drama, more stories, more joke, more laughable stuff
- Poland, Czech, etc is like so much nearer compared to the above
- More Doener choices (should I put this under "Cons" as this will add fat to my body)
Cons
- My friends are against Berlin (my coursemates want Düsseldorf so much, they will sacrifice everything just to go there)
- I don't know anything about that place. It's like another Cambodia to me. Very foreign.
Anyway, this is just for 4-6 months duration. Not 2 years. During this period I am required to refresh my german proficiency and pass that very tough exam which is TestDaf, some called it Test Tough.
----------------------------------------
I have to decide. By end of this week, because I will be flying off end of October/ early November and my visa and stuff. Gosh!!! Decisionsssss.....it's so hard to make decisions when you have people with different views everywhere.
I have already packed my luggage but still don't know where to go yet. I really can't decide. I wanted to go to Berlin because I have never been there and I won't be bored as I will have a pet pig there. (Future tense: "will") Hahaha. What is it like to have a pet pig? I have only eaten pork but never touch a real pig before.
And I really miss Düsseldorf aswell, the Hauptbahnhof, the people, the Kaufhof, the food, the University, everything.
How? 2 places, 1 decision. By end of this week.
Düsseldorf or Berlin?
Oh gosh! How am I going to decide on this?
It's West and East of Germany.
Let's see:
Düsseldorf
Pros
- I have been there, I know what to expect, I know which shop sells the freshest bread, where to run, where to hide, where to cry, etc
- Nearer to Holland so we can visit my European Dad (my dad's best friend who is so caring, he's like our substitute dad in Europe) every month
- My host mother is there, she will bake me more cookies and I will be happy
- Belgium, Luxembourg and France is just a few stations away.
Cons
- Will be boring, same old stuff, same old road, same old winter
- Living cost is higher than Berlin (some say)
Berlin
Pros
- Cheaper than the above
- new place, new life, more exciting adventure, more drama, more stories, more joke, more laughable stuff
- Poland, Czech, etc is like so much nearer compared to the above
- More Doener choices (should I put this under "Cons" as this will add fat to my body)
Cons
- My friends are against Berlin (my coursemates want Düsseldorf so much, they will sacrifice everything just to go there)
- I don't know anything about that place. It's like another Cambodia to me. Very foreign.
Anyway, this is just for 4-6 months duration. Not 2 years. During this period I am required to refresh my german proficiency and pass that very tough exam which is TestDaf, some called it Test Tough.
----------------------------------------
I have to decide. By end of this week, because I will be flying off end of October/ early November and my visa and stuff. Gosh!!! Decisionsssss.....it's so hard to make decisions when you have people with different views everywhere.
I have already packed my luggage but still don't know where to go yet. I really can't decide. I wanted to go to Berlin because I have never been there and I won't be bored as I will have a pet pig there. (Future tense: "will") Hahaha. What is it like to have a pet pig? I have only eaten pork but never touch a real pig before.
And I really miss Düsseldorf aswell, the Hauptbahnhof, the people, the Kaufhof, the food, the University, everything.
How? 2 places, 1 decision. By end of this week.
September 06, 2008
Fat
Due to excessive cooking and eating, I am turning myself into a pig soon.
I didn't know cooking could be so much fun at times (provided that I don't burn down the kitchen) and added more fat to my BMI even I am cooking healthy food.
--------------------------------------------------------
People often asked me this:
"So what are you doing right now? Working?"
I really don't know how to answer this particular question. I can't say I am not working because the fact is that I am still working, just that I work from home and also I can't say that I am working because I am technically at home all the time, not paying taxes, not meeting clients and all.
Better to say I am not working. Because that stops the question from spreading from A to Z like where? how? what? who? etc etc.
Anyhow, I am STILL waiting for the university to send me a confirmation letter so that I could apply my Visa. And while waiting, I am learning to cook proper meals so that I won't die of starvation when I am left alone again.
Suddenly everyone around me are heading off to somewhere. And I am bored because they left me alone here. Owh...sadness.
I didn't know cooking could be so much fun at times (provided that I don't burn down the kitchen) and added more fat to my BMI even I am cooking healthy food.
--------------------------------------------------------
People often asked me this:
"So what are you doing right now? Working?"
I really don't know how to answer this particular question. I can't say I am not working because the fact is that I am still working, just that I work from home and also I can't say that I am working because I am technically at home all the time, not paying taxes, not meeting clients and all.
Better to say I am not working. Because that stops the question from spreading from A to Z like where? how? what? who? etc etc.
Anyhow, I am STILL waiting for the university to send me a confirmation letter so that I could apply my Visa. And while waiting, I am learning to cook proper meals so that I won't die of starvation when I am left alone again.
Suddenly everyone around me are heading off to somewhere. And I am bored because they left me alone here. Owh...sadness.
September 05, 2008
Cooking
Today I bought a lot of food, fresh food, frozen food, whatever food I can get. I just load in the trolley and paid for it after that.
It seems like I am cooking everyday. Training myself to be a better cook. And thank god, I didn't burn anything. Ain't that great?
What should I do tomorrow? Hmmm...
----------------------
I just received an email from my friend who is now in Holland. Oh well, he's enjoying himself and he tried space cakes and absinthe and etc etc. Oh jeez...a medical student like him should be health conscious right? My university paid for his expenses just because he's a medic student while I have to dig my own money to Germany. Not fair. Oh well...he's a future doctor and I am hmm...nothing?
It seems like I am cooking everyday. Training myself to be a better cook. And thank god, I didn't burn anything. Ain't that great?
What should I do tomorrow? Hmmm...
----------------------
I just received an email from my friend who is now in Holland. Oh well, he's enjoying himself and he tried space cakes and absinthe and etc etc. Oh jeez...a medical student like him should be health conscious right? My university paid for his expenses just because he's a medic student while I have to dig my own money to Germany. Not fair. Oh well...he's a future doctor and I am hmm...nothing?
September 04, 2008
I love my gown
What I did today:
- I bought a white/gold lacy gown...a really classy one for half the price....Wheeee...I am happy. I don't know why I bought it. It was love at first sight so I bought it and it fits well on me. Somehow it looks like a wedding gown to me but the difference is that it's shorter and not as grand as a wedding gown. ;P
- I bought myself a ring, it's for my little finger. I took the smallest size and guess what, it's still very loose. My fingers are indeed really really small. :(
- I watched a movie...yaay...after so looooong. My friends said that I should watch more movies in Malaysia becoz it's the cheapest in the world for world class standard. Wahahaha. Today's Wednesday so each tics costs RM7. So every Wednesday I should go and watch movies.
On the other hand, my friend cried in the cinema because she was touched by the movie. OMG. I was laughing like a mad dog in there and she's crying. Yes, it's a sad part but I can't stop myself from laughing because she's crying.
- I bought some veggies and cereals. Afterall grandma had flown to Australia. Oh gosh...I am left alone again. Sadness.
Tomorrow's gonna be another day. Hmmmm...what should I do tomorrow? Hopefully I don't end up buying another gown or another pair of shoes. My shoes are collecting dust. Because I only wear one pair of slippers after I stopped work.
Did I tell you that I finished half a tube of Vanilla ice-cream last week? Scary...
- I bought a white/gold lacy gown...a really classy one for half the price....Wheeee...I am happy. I don't know why I bought it. It was love at first sight so I bought it and it fits well on me. Somehow it looks like a wedding gown to me but the difference is that it's shorter and not as grand as a wedding gown. ;P
- I bought myself a ring, it's for my little finger. I took the smallest size and guess what, it's still very loose. My fingers are indeed really really small. :(
- I watched a movie...yaay...after so looooong. My friends said that I should watch more movies in Malaysia becoz it's the cheapest in the world for world class standard. Wahahaha. Today's Wednesday so each tics costs RM7. So every Wednesday I should go and watch movies.
On the other hand, my friend cried in the cinema because she was touched by the movie. OMG. I was laughing like a mad dog in there and she's crying. Yes, it's a sad part but I can't stop myself from laughing because she's crying.
- I bought some veggies and cereals. Afterall grandma had flown to Australia. Oh gosh...I am left alone again. Sadness.
Tomorrow's gonna be another day. Hmmmm...what should I do tomorrow? Hopefully I don't end up buying another gown or another pair of shoes. My shoes are collecting dust. Because I only wear one pair of slippers after I stopped work.
Did I tell you that I finished half a tube of Vanilla ice-cream last week? Scary...
September 01, 2008
Waiting
My mind is not here in Malaysia. I think during this time of the day...right now, my mind should be in Buenos Aires. But my body is still here...*sob*
I am still thinking of a way too find a job that I love to do even for little money. Even it's just enough for me to survive with no luxuries...Hmmmmm....will it work?
Gosh...waiting for the university to reply my letter feels like a 1000 years...What can I do?
I am still thinking of a way too find a job that I love to do even for little money. Even it's just enough for me to survive with no luxuries...Hmmmmm....will it work?
Gosh...waiting for the university to reply my letter feels like a 1000 years...What can I do?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)