Where?

I told myself not to take any flights from that airline again. But...because it's cheaper than others...*sigh*...I am taking another flight with this airline again. Because it's way way way cheaper and er....well...cheap. Okay the conclusion is, it's a lot cheaper compared to others.

I am set to fly on the 29th of October at 0030 hrs and I will be reaching Frankfurt Airport on the 29th morning. And then linger around for a while before heading to Berlin with my favourite ICE train. I hope I will still be sane when I reach Berlin.

Another choice would be taking British Airways which offers an insanely crazy route from KL to Hong Kong then to London then Berlin. Pheww....that's like ages to reach Berlin.

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A lot of things happened during this month. I nearly lost hope. I nearly give up. I nearly whack someone.

Today, someone at the Embassy pisses me off. Just because I am honest enough to tell her I am paying for my expenses in Germany. Ok. What is the problem of me financing myself to study in Germany? Is that a big problem? She was expecting an answer like,"My dad will finance everything". Maybe because I look young like a small kid and that I can't afford to pay for anything yet in my life. And most importantly, she's not even a german or anything but a typical chinese. I hate the way she look at me and say things sarcastically and yet I am still smilling. And the best part is in front of everyone at the Embassy. It's really embarassing but I keep cool.

I don't blame my bad luck (or whatever stupid power it is) to be humiliated like that.

And I still remember her face of telling me, "You won't be able to fly to Germany this year". WHATTTT!!! No way, I paid for everything already, so now another way would be coming back after 90 days there (as a tourist) and then fly back there again for another 90 days until I get my student visa. Yes, people, you will be seeing me during Chinese New Year because I am flying back.

It will take about a year to apply for a student visa including all those things like opening another bank account there, financial proof that I won't run away and marry a german there, etc etc. OMG...why am I being treated this way? Logically speaking, why would I want to become an illegal immigrant there when I am a Malaysian (in a country where there're loadsa good food, still underpopulated, cheap food and most importantly food are available everywhere for 24 hours?) I will be there just to sit for that very important exam because I got into this branch of studies and that I can't turn myself anywhere but to look forward.

I swear to God another lady was way way way nicer than she is, she didn't even look at my documents and gave me a very rude look. OMG. I hate her. The another lady was nice enough to give me information on things that I should do.

Yeah, once again, this is just another thing that happen everyday here. So it's practically nothing to be sad of.

I felt like an asylum seeker now. I don't know why am I doing this... just because that particular exam paper? Is it wrong to have a passion for someting in my life? Is it wrong to look forward? Is it wrong to at least achieve something small in my life?

I really sacrifice a lot for this paper. Seriously. I was dissed by a lot of people in my life. They say:

1) With that amount of money u are going to spend there, why don't you buy a house here?
2) Why do you want to go there at this age? You should settle down with someone and get married and have kids? (OMG...this is impossible)
3) You can do a lot of things with that amount of money in Malaysia, why waste it on a piece of paper? You are indeed stupid.
4) You're stupid. So stupid. What will that paper give you? Gold?

You see...that's the mentality of the people around me, it's all about money. To them money is their life and soul. Not only I have to be brave and deter myself from getting hurt because of their words, I have to settle everything myself. From A to Z. It was indeed tiring. But that is what I will do to get someting I want in my life.

You see, everyone has different dreams. Mine is pretty simple actually. After one level, I will go to another level to make myself a better person or be in a better position. Money is also important to me but not till the extent that I will buy a house here and get myself tied down with the mortgage for now.

I want a spanking new car aswell but I feel that my personal achievement is much more important that material things like that.

Why can't anyone suport me emotionally?

After graduation, I lost myself. I don't know what I want in life anymore. I lost the motivation to go on. This is not me. I can't be opening doors for life. I can't be in that position for life. I can't be staying at the same spot for life. I was really not happy that time.

At the end of the day, I found myself tied to my passion for the world of languages. It's a beautiful world to me with endless possibilities. That's when I decided to improve my proficiency although my english has gone bad...really bad compared to years before.

Things became bad when people start to compare you with other people, "Oh you see that 2nd/3rd/[insert any number here] cousin of yours, he/she is so clever/capable/[insert any adjective here], at your age, he/she is [insert any achievements here]. Yada yada yada...

Tired of these bullshit. I really am.

If I could see the future in front of me, I will be telling them stories or make a movie out of it.

All I want is just a simple pat on my shoulder and tell me everything is going to be alright.