On Loyalty

Am I loyal?

Yes I am.

No I am not.

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This doesn't applies to me as I am not attached to anyone. LOL.

This was a question from me to myself.

Just another episode

And again, I did something bad.

I just couldn't be bothered anymore.

Being cruel in ending a relationship is not my forte. But we had never began anything. Just an illusion. He is probably crying right now over what I said to him just now.

I have problems with myself. That is why no relationship stays.

When I want commitment from someone I like, he don't want commitment.

And in the end when he wants commitment, I don't want it anymore. I am playing the game somehow. I offered to be nice, he didn't take it that way. Fine.

For some men in my life, they want commitment but I don't. I am always the opposite of what they purposed to me.

I am happy now. At least for now. I am free like a bird.

I am a troubled girl. I think I am.

Freedom

Hmmm...the joy of freedom...priceless.

Freedom is being free. Being untied. Being on the loose. Somehow I am enjoying this. Blissful.

Food-maniac

Hmm...I am hungry again. I would like to have a big pizza margarita right now with some splash of tabasco. Woooo...yummy.

I am feeling great with food. Ahh...god bless this thing called food. Yum.

Welcome me back

Hahahaha...When I was sick a few months earlier, yeah that time when I was diagnosed with mysterious skin disease after Prague, I lost 7 kgs.

Yeah, one could imagine how skinny I look and fit into nearly every dresses available on the market. And with some make-up, I could even be rated as a pretty chick from Malaysia. LOL.

Fast forward a few months. Yeap. August I mean. I gained my weight back. Owh...shit.

Imagine, nearly everyday you get to eat with your friends and they do cook real good food, and sometimes they would chuck in some raw food for you to prepare. And with my cooking skills, voila...altho not gourmet, we still have a great time munching nearly 5 complete meals a day.

Oh...that's not the terrible part. The best part is that, they eat more than me but never gain a single kilo. But me, I gained hell a lot.

Nevertheless, I felt happier with some fat with me. Not as depressive as last time.

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People on my MSN amazes me a lot. Each time they said "Hi!" to me will end up with food topic till the very end of our conversation. I don't mean ALL but 70% of them are like that. Someway, they are making me fat too especially in the middle of the night.

I no longer crave for Doener but I am craving for biscuits and cakes. That's even worse.

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Oh...how long will this happy feeling lasts? I have been down for a few months but now I feel happier than before. I do cherish every moment of being happy as it is getting more and more little as I grow.

Funny thing is, I don't feel like travelling, I just feel like cooking. Haha.

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Hmmm...I am glad I have some friends on my MSN to cheer me up. I love you guys so much. And my best buddy too, altho we are thousands of miles away, you still rock!!!

Bored

I am bored. Bored bored.

Greetings

Hello people,

I have been busy. With a lot of things. But I don't know where to start. But you know I miss u all here. Hehe.

Addiction

I am addicted to cooking. I am addicted to talk to people. I am addicted not to work.

Now how can I solve that?

Moveeeeee

Yes, I am planning to move to another place. Oh god damn it. I can't stand this place anymore. I wanna move move move. I can't stand this. I wanna move to another state. I love the west. I m in love with the west. I like Berlin too. Any place but here.

Now where do I start plotting?

So far, this place is the only place outside my home country where I stayed for more than 3 months. It's gonna be the 5th month here for now. It feels like 5 years already. Dang!

Confession

I have a confession to make. I prefer to be single than to be in a relationship with an asian. I don't know why but it seems like my relationship with an asian will end sooner compared to a relationship with a white guy. Oh no. Am I turning into a sarong party girl? No way.

Those asian guys I ever had a relationship with are controlling, narrow-minded, not romantic, boring, not street smart, can be idiotic too sometimes. Oh gosh. The trend is the same which I could not take it anymore and then I ended it. And I broke another heart after another. Oh no.

But yeah. I am happier right now. Oh man. I am so happy. I feel freedom. I feel free. I would not want to date another asian anymore. Call me what you want but I feel better right now. Much better.

See, the longest I can hold in a relationship these days is just a span of 3 months and that's it. I felt bored, I left. Not that I want to, it's painful too but it should be better that way than to prolong it till forever. I am really happy right now. Awhhh...

No wonder my dad said I will probably end up with a white guy. No doubt in that. I don't need a traditional man to make me happy. I feel really really relieved right now. I do prefer blue or green or light brown eyes. At least I know they won't control me like an animal in a cage, reporting everything to him every single second. I felt it's a waste of time to be controlled like that wherelese I can do so many things. I know, after this entry I will be hated by my countrymen but that what I feel. You can't say that I am wrong. I have been involved with a few and I felt so devasted everytime. Devastated as in:

1. The question of marriage occurs every 3rd month of the relationship

2. The question of having kids

3. The question of getting a car/house/properties

4. The question of me earning more money

5. The question of me being more educated than them is also another problem. The insecurity in some guys, which they think I will be much more better than them. This is bullshit.

6. The question of me spending money and not saving 90% of it. You see, I have a habit of buying gadgets like phones, cameras, laptops, etc etc. And to them it's a waste of money. Fuck. I don't buy clothes but it's wrong for me to do that?

I am so damn happy right now I felt like having a tube of Movenpick ice cream all by myself. I will be more careful in the future whenever I hop into any relationship. Seriously. I need ice cream.

Living

Hmmm...I always wonder why do we live?

- to suffer?

- to enjoy life?

- to help others?

- to find one self?

- to find love?

- to get rich?

- to pay bills?

- to eat?

- to play?

- to be somebody's punch bag?

Whatever it is, I still have not found mine. I need motivation badly. And yes I am losing weight. I simply have no appetite to eat. OMG... a foodie like me don't have appetite to eat. Now that's a problem.

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My best friends were all back in Malaysia. They just had this couple gathering without me. They were already discussing about marriage, kids, etc. What I felt happy most is that they did call me and I don't feel that much left out. A's boyfriend met up with B and B's boyfriend. Wow. And together they were 4 of them. B said, if I were back, there will be 6 of us, giggling. Not an orgy mind u. It's like a group discussion of best friends talking about the future. Heh. Future?

I don't even know if I really love the guy I am with now. Or in another way, I am not sure if I really want him. That's bad. My old habit of liking someone and halfway through it, I give up.

Hmm...now I shall just focus on this 2 years while looking for jobs, myself, etc.

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My sisters made me laugh today. It seems like I am the youngest at home. I need attention from everybody.