June 19, 2009

Boring day eh?

I am on hiatus on work. Still figuring if I should continue working. But it's good. I feel it's good. Without working, my studies fares so much better. Without any relationship, even better. LOL!

It's good to be on hiatus these days. After 2 weeks of my so-called chicken pox, I am finally refreshed and regenerated. And after the news of the pay-cut, hiatus from work makes me another person. I feel better not having to balance myself between work and studies for now. My studies need a lot of attention from me, since I have neglected much of my study time to my work and other commitments.

At this moment, I don't feel like having any holiday at all. For now. For this moment. I feel I just wanna give a 100% push to my studies. Which never happened in my life before this. LOL!

I have yet to love cooking. And I am experimenting a lot of cooking using rosemary. Yummy! And I am eating like the germans. As in potato-wise. It has became my "rice" somehow.

On the other side, I am still on the search for a better job online. It doesn't matter where in the world. After all, I will be much better anywhere but back home. Altho I have been saying that I am having homesick. Not that true afterall. It's just becoz of someone. Other than malaysian food of course. :)

On the other hand, after days of being moody (I am always moody eh?), I bought marshmallows and have been munching on it ever since. Happy. Trully blissfull.

This morning I realized something. And I told myself:

"You see, sometimes you are smart, but you misuse it or put too much emotions on being yourself. You can fare a lot than other if you don't carry too much emotions around. In fact, you hold a lot of advantages compared to others. Why waste it?"

True. That is what my inner voice told me. I have been living uniquely from others and my experiances under my belt should actually help me not make me more miserable. Yeah, this means, I am looking for another change in my life. Well, "3 months- a new life" is my motto all these while. Time is up and I need to change again. Sometimes I hated it, sometimes I feel good doing it. Other than the list of men I get involved with. Not much actually. Another one just broke my heart saying I broke his first and then finito. I am so used to getting this I felt sad but not as much as my 1st boyfriend. It gets much better as I grow older. It should have been karma to be in and out of relationship. I could have been a playboy/playgirl in my past life and now I am getting back all the karma. Serves me right eh?

All you have to do when you are down is, tell this to yourself:

"I am made tough. Just like a Volvo."

... and hopefully everything will go fine, no matter how shitty it is. I am trying to come back to my life after all the shit but yeah, tougher and more prepared for the next wave of shit.

I love my life.

June 16, 2009

dum dum

My friend is carrying baby number 2.

My another friend is buying a ring to propose to his girlfriend.

My another friend will be tying the knot next 2 years.

My another friend will be getting married next year.

My long lost friend is already married.

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Peer pressure isn't it?


June 13, 2009

Damn

Here I am blogging in the middle of the night feeling that I am a failure.

I am eager to succeed in whatever I do. I am a fighter but not anymore after being demotivated by the series of unfortunate events that hit on me.

My thirst to succeed in whatever I am doing is like the thirst for a glass of water in a hot dessert. I am tired of being pushed back and I hate the feeling of being back to square one which had happened numerous times in my life.

I want to be SOMEONE so badly where I am willing to do whatever it takes to be there. I don't want to be the useless 24 year old who is still under the shadow of "still studying" or a "student" per say. Maybe some people will think I am leading a great life despite my escapades to a number of places without having to worry about my financial situation. Wrong. That is really wrong.

I am feeling damn emotional lately which is not good for my mental health. I am going crazy.

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Someone really drive me crazy up the wall, through the chimney and so on. Hell yeah. Pissed.

I am damn fucking annoyed with someone and I felt like stranggling him in person. I could never see myself being so patient with him. One word. Pissed.

In short, I am pissed with myself and also with someone. I hate living like this. Damn.

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I miss home. I really do. I have never miss home this badly which pushes me to get the next reasonable plane ticket back to my homeland. I am seriously tired.

June 10, 2009

Of worries

Ladies and gentlemen,

I have been diagnosed with an unknown sickness. It is not chicken pox whatsoever but the doctor said IT is chicken pox. Damn. It's really itchy and I got it after I came back from Prague. I am already very depressed with that. Imagine more than a week of sleep apnea becoz of the itchiness. And I was given a week MC. And the results will be out tomorrow. I am really realy scared and worried as I have never gone through things like this back home.

Really depressing.

And today, the company I have been working for nearly 7 years is going bankrupt, I think. And they are cutting costs here and there and all my work will only be paid 50%. Jeez. See that? Depressing no?

Extra depressing. And then there are some problems with my studies as I m not motivated to go on and I wanted to go home very much. Homesick. I don't think that's homesick. It's rather the feeling of not wanting to go on with this alone all by myself. I am so damn tired of going through ten thousands of stupid nonsense since I arrived. Damn.

A few days back I received a call from Malaysia...wooo...it's from somebody who has a special place in my heart. The one that I have been mentioning since a few months back. When I picked up, the only thing he asked me was:

"Do you miss me?"

I can't say anything as I am not feeling well and itchy at the same time.

After a few days, he sent me an email.

"I must say I was surprised you were not very excited when I called."

What can I say?

Can I say:

1) I am feeling-less becoz it was just a call. Or should I say I don't display affection that easily?

2) I know it was him and therefore I m just happy but not excited as I have gone thru this many many times? (Not good as he doesn't really want to know about the guys I have had relationship with)

3) Don't say anything?

Whatever it is. I couldn't be bothered now as I am having yet another roller-coaster in my life.

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Will I survive these few years? Will I live normally? Will I?

June 04, 2009

Partial Holiday

It's been a long time since I blogged eh?

Yeah, I was busy catching up with my life and all. I was in Prague last week and all I did was snapping photos and walk around and eat and eat and eat and walk around again and this and that. For the very first time in my life, I did not buy any souvenirs. Not even for anyone nor myself. 

I did learn a lot from this trip. Hopefully this time I will be a bit smarter than before. Afterall life experiance are meant to be collected by going around and experiancing new cultures.

The Czech Republic is a weird place, but it is indeed beautiful. Even more beautiful when you share it with your loved ones. After Prague, I was in Plzen. The birth place of Pils Beer. Yaay. But I didn't had any Czech beer this time, I brought back a bottle. It was too dangerous for me to drink beer while I work. I might not be able to walk and act normally. Afterall my alcohol tolerance has gone down the drain.

After that, I went to Nuremburg in Bavaria. I like Bavaria. It's so different from other places in Germany and people there are super duper friendly. Ahh...if I were to move again, I will choose Bavaria. Any city in Bavaria will do. Altho the dialect can be painful to my ears but I did try to understand. It's trully amazing.

Ahh..what's next? I don't know. I m clueless.