Fug

Sorry, I don't mean to blog so many times a day. I have been really really emotional due to some problems. Those problems that might lead to adding more people to the poverty list.

Being a woman myself, I have some hidden maternal/motherly instinct in me which is to protect some certain people like my own children and make sure that there are happy. Like a mother, literally speaking. Although I might not look like a potential mother-to-be (in case of old uncles, I am indeed fertile enough for them to bear their children).

I have been put in a situation where I can't do anything but to console and strive hard so that everyone will be happy. No one knows how I feel right now, I can't tell this to anyone. Who should I talk to?

I am always the "Aunt Agony" for them but who listens to my problem? No one. The next potential person to listen to my problem would be a guy who wants to have sex with me at the end of the day. And I can tell you that he's not sensitive enough for me emotionally.

I want everyone to be happy. At least at some point, they found hope in me. But some problems arises in between. Some throw their bitchy fits at me, some complaint to me, some even criticized me for not being someone they want me to be. It's so hard to fulfill everyone's wishes. I am me, I can't change.

Here I am blogging because this will be another night of not being able to sleep because I have had more intense heart beats these days due to more stress that my body can handle. I am a pressure cooker waiting to explode. Just waiting for the right time.

Ice-creams and McDonalds don't make me happy anymore. Sad right?

I will have to sit for 5 papers within 2 weeks. One paper on this Wednesday and I still haven't do anything yet. It's not that I don't want to do, it's because I have to handle other things before I cause someone to starve to death or add another person to the poverty list.

Sometimes I am just too nice that I am ignoring myself. I do have a life aswell right?

Why do I have to go through days of working, studying and making other people happy when I can go to the Spa and relax myself? Have a normal social life? Date someone? Try more food? Shop? Make myself pretty? Do the things I like to do? Read a book (chic-lit) ? Whatever...I just want some freedom for myself. Sometime for myself to chill and relax.

I love myself. I love me.

I need to cry. But I can't. No more tears. The tank is no longer filled with any tear-water.