Thank you for all who gave me the well wishes and support.
I am okay now I guess.
My friends are not happy with this at all. 3 of them are so down and when I see them like this, I did felt something. I felt sad as well.
No one will say life is easy but we still have to go on. This is not the first time problems come to me like a hurricane. I have had my series of unfortunate events a few years back, a series of unwanted dramas on the road a few months back and everything will be fine I guess. I am trying to be very positive now.
I believe there will be sunshine after the rain. Unless the sun has gone missing from our solar system. That would be DOOMSDAY.
I am not afraid. If I can survive 3 years of uni life which is like tougher than working life with classes from 8am to 8pm and all the unwanted attention from lecturers and troubles given to me during that time. With people around me who always give me problem regardless of age, place, ethnicity, etc etc and with my luck of getting into trouble all the time because of my clumsiness or other people's fault. I believe I can pull through this one.
All I need is time to figure this out and be happy. Yes, happy is the word.
So it depends on me now on how I manage my time. And how to avoid the abundance of national holidays in Malaysia.
Focus, positive. Focus, positive.
Yeap, that's all I need.
Stay focus and be positive.
Okay, now I should feel better and happier. Time to move to Plan B. If this Plan B fails there's Plan C and D till Z. After Z there's still Z1 till Z1000000. So yeah, I shall take a hot shower now and forget about all those things that happened today. Yes, forgive and forget. I will have a happier life. No grudges, no vendetta, no vengeance.
September 30, 2008
Where?
I told myself not to take any flights from that airline again. But...because it's cheaper than others...*sigh*...I am taking another flight with this airline again. Because it's way way way cheaper and er....well...cheap. Okay the conclusion is, it's a lot cheaper compared to others.
I am set to fly on the 29th of October at 0030 hrs and I will be reaching Frankfurt Airport on the 29th morning. And then linger around for a while before heading to Berlin with my favourite ICE train. I hope I will still be sane when I reach Berlin.
Another choice would be taking British Airways which offers an insanely crazy route from KL to Hong Kong then to London then Berlin. Pheww....that's like ages to reach Berlin.
------------------------------------
A lot of things happened during this month. I nearly lost hope. I nearly give up. I nearly whack someone.
Today, someone at the Embassy pisses me off. Just because I am honest enough to tell her I am paying for my expenses in Germany. Ok. What is the problem of me financing myself to study in Germany? Is that a big problem? She was expecting an answer like,"My dad will finance everything". Maybe because I look young like a small kid and that I can't afford to pay for anything yet in my life. And most importantly, she's not even a german or anything but a typical chinese. I hate the way she look at me and say things sarcastically and yet I am still smilling. And the best part is in front of everyone at the Embassy. It's really embarassing but I keep cool.
I don't blame my bad luck (or whatever stupid power it is) to be humiliated like that.
And I still remember her face of telling me, "You won't be able to fly to Germany this year". WHATTTT!!! No way, I paid for everything already, so now another way would be coming back after 90 days there (as a tourist) and then fly back there again for another 90 days until I get my student visa. Yes, people, you will be seeing me during Chinese New Year because I am flying back.
It will take about a year to apply for a student visa including all those things like opening another bank account there, financial proof that I won't run away and marry a german there, etc etc. OMG...why am I being treated this way? Logically speaking, why would I want to become an illegal immigrant there when I am a Malaysian (in a country where there're loadsa good food, still underpopulated, cheap food and most importantly food are available everywhere for 24 hours?) I will be there just to sit for that very important exam because I got into this branch of studies and that I can't turn myself anywhere but to look forward.
I swear to God another lady was way way way nicer than she is, she didn't even look at my documents and gave me a very rude look. OMG. I hate her. The another lady was nice enough to give me information on things that I should do.
Yeah, once again, this is just another thing that happen everyday here. So it's practically nothing to be sad of.
I felt like an asylum seeker now. I don't know why am I doing this... just because that particular exam paper? Is it wrong to have a passion for someting in my life? Is it wrong to look forward? Is it wrong to at least achieve something small in my life?
I really sacrifice a lot for this paper. Seriously. I was dissed by a lot of people in my life. They say:
1) With that amount of money u are going to spend there, why don't you buy a house here?
2) Why do you want to go there at this age? You should settle down with someone and get married and have kids? (OMG...this is impossible)
3) You can do a lot of things with that amount of money in Malaysia, why waste it on a piece of paper? You are indeed stupid.
4) You're stupid. So stupid. What will that paper give you? Gold?
You see...that's the mentality of the people around me, it's all about money. To them money is their life and soul. Not only I have to be brave and deter myself from getting hurt because of their words, I have to settle everything myself. From A to Z. It was indeed tiring. But that is what I will do to get someting I want in my life.
You see, everyone has different dreams. Mine is pretty simple actually. After one level, I will go to another level to make myself a better person or be in a better position. Money is also important to me but not till the extent that I will buy a house here and get myself tied down with the mortgage for now.
I want a spanking new car aswell but I feel that my personal achievement is much more important that material things like that.
Why can't anyone suport me emotionally?
After graduation, I lost myself. I don't know what I want in life anymore. I lost the motivation to go on. This is not me. I can't be opening doors for life. I can't be in that position for life. I can't be staying at the same spot for life. I was really not happy that time.
At the end of the day, I found myself tied to my passion for the world of languages. It's a beautiful world to me with endless possibilities. That's when I decided to improve my proficiency although my english has gone bad...really bad compared to years before.
Things became bad when people start to compare you with other people, "Oh you see that 2nd/3rd/[insert any number here] cousin of yours, he/she is so clever/capable/[insert any adjective here], at your age, he/she is [insert any achievements here]. Yada yada yada...
Tired of these bullshit. I really am.
If I could see the future in front of me, I will be telling them stories or make a movie out of it.
All I want is just a simple pat on my shoulder and tell me everything is going to be alright.
I am set to fly on the 29th of October at 0030 hrs and I will be reaching Frankfurt Airport on the 29th morning. And then linger around for a while before heading to Berlin with my favourite ICE train. I hope I will still be sane when I reach Berlin.
Another choice would be taking British Airways which offers an insanely crazy route from KL to Hong Kong then to London then Berlin. Pheww....that's like ages to reach Berlin.
------------------------------------
A lot of things happened during this month. I nearly lost hope. I nearly give up. I nearly whack someone.
Today, someone at the Embassy pisses me off. Just because I am honest enough to tell her I am paying for my expenses in Germany. Ok. What is the problem of me financing myself to study in Germany? Is that a big problem? She was expecting an answer like,"My dad will finance everything". Maybe because I look young like a small kid and that I can't afford to pay for anything yet in my life. And most importantly, she's not even a german or anything but a typical chinese. I hate the way she look at me and say things sarcastically and yet I am still smilling. And the best part is in front of everyone at the Embassy. It's really embarassing but I keep cool.
I don't blame my bad luck (or whatever stupid power it is) to be humiliated like that.
And I still remember her face of telling me, "You won't be able to fly to Germany this year". WHATTTT!!! No way, I paid for everything already, so now another way would be coming back after 90 days there (as a tourist) and then fly back there again for another 90 days until I get my student visa. Yes, people, you will be seeing me during Chinese New Year because I am flying back.
It will take about a year to apply for a student visa including all those things like opening another bank account there, financial proof that I won't run away and marry a german there, etc etc. OMG...why am I being treated this way? Logically speaking, why would I want to become an illegal immigrant there when I am a Malaysian (in a country where there're loadsa good food, still underpopulated, cheap food and most importantly food are available everywhere for 24 hours?) I will be there just to sit for that very important exam because I got into this branch of studies and that I can't turn myself anywhere but to look forward.
I swear to God another lady was way way way nicer than she is, she didn't even look at my documents and gave me a very rude look. OMG. I hate her. The another lady was nice enough to give me information on things that I should do.
Yeah, once again, this is just another thing that happen everyday here. So it's practically nothing to be sad of.
I felt like an asylum seeker now. I don't know why am I doing this... just because that particular exam paper? Is it wrong to have a passion for someting in my life? Is it wrong to look forward? Is it wrong to at least achieve something small in my life?
I really sacrifice a lot for this paper. Seriously. I was dissed by a lot of people in my life. They say:
1) With that amount of money u are going to spend there, why don't you buy a house here?
2) Why do you want to go there at this age? You should settle down with someone and get married and have kids? (OMG...this is impossible)
3) You can do a lot of things with that amount of money in Malaysia, why waste it on a piece of paper? You are indeed stupid.
4) You're stupid. So stupid. What will that paper give you? Gold?
You see...that's the mentality of the people around me, it's all about money. To them money is their life and soul. Not only I have to be brave and deter myself from getting hurt because of their words, I have to settle everything myself. From A to Z. It was indeed tiring. But that is what I will do to get someting I want in my life.
You see, everyone has different dreams. Mine is pretty simple actually. After one level, I will go to another level to make myself a better person or be in a better position. Money is also important to me but not till the extent that I will buy a house here and get myself tied down with the mortgage for now.
I want a spanking new car aswell but I feel that my personal achievement is much more important that material things like that.
Why can't anyone suport me emotionally?
After graduation, I lost myself. I don't know what I want in life anymore. I lost the motivation to go on. This is not me. I can't be opening doors for life. I can't be in that position for life. I can't be staying at the same spot for life. I was really not happy that time.
At the end of the day, I found myself tied to my passion for the world of languages. It's a beautiful world to me with endless possibilities. That's when I decided to improve my proficiency although my english has gone bad...really bad compared to years before.
Things became bad when people start to compare you with other people, "Oh you see that 2nd/3rd/[insert any number here] cousin of yours, he/she is so clever/capable/[insert any adjective here], at your age, he/she is [insert any achievements here]. Yada yada yada...
Tired of these bullshit. I really am.
If I could see the future in front of me, I will be telling them stories or make a movie out of it.
All I want is just a simple pat on my shoulder and tell me everything is going to be alright.
September 28, 2008
Bored
I am bored like madddddd
I am really really bored
Although I just came back from tea with my friends I am really bored now
I waited too long for that damn letter that I feel that I am 30 years old now. When is that letter gonna arrive? I thought I told them to send me an express mail and I paid 40 Euros for it. Why is the letter not arriving yet?
OMGGGG...This is really testing my patience.
----------------------------------
My nightmare of people dying around me is here again. Whenever I close my eyes for a nap, nasty dreams like people killing themselves or dying just like that around me is here again. And of course I am going crazy again. Why do I have to have such dreadful dreams like this. It's been nearly a week now. Imagine, every night, u dream of people dying. How pathetic is that?
Why do people have to die in front of me in my dreams?
I am really really bored
Although I just came back from tea with my friends I am really bored now
I waited too long for that damn letter that I feel that I am 30 years old now. When is that letter gonna arrive? I thought I told them to send me an express mail and I paid 40 Euros for it. Why is the letter not arriving yet?
OMGGGG...This is really testing my patience.
----------------------------------
My nightmare of people dying around me is here again. Whenever I close my eyes for a nap, nasty dreams like people killing themselves or dying just like that around me is here again. And of course I am going crazy again. Why do I have to have such dreadful dreams like this. It's been nearly a week now. Imagine, every night, u dream of people dying. How pathetic is that?
Why do people have to die in front of me in my dreams?
September 26, 2008
Babies babies
Awwww....my uncle is now a dad. And I saw the baby's pic and she is soooooooo cute. And she shares the same birthdate with my best friend. Wahahaha.
And I am honoured because they gave me the honour to name their baby's middle name. Ain't that sweet...
My uncle always asked me, "So when is your turn?"
And I will always answer, "What turn?"
He will definately says, "Your turn to get married and have babies laaah"
And I will give him a blank look like this O____O
...because I know I won't make a good mother for now. I am not committed to be one yet.
A lot of my attached friends are planning to get married in 3 years time, while me on the other hand, am planning to feed leaves to the girraffes in Africa or sand boarding somewhere in the world in 3 years time.
But looking at those baby photos makes me feel that I would like to have one now. Maybe this is another syndrome of my so-called quarter life crisis. Rite?
And I am honoured because they gave me the honour to name their baby's middle name. Ain't that sweet...
My uncle always asked me, "So when is your turn?"
And I will always answer, "What turn?"
He will definately says, "Your turn to get married and have babies laaah"
And I will give him a blank look like this O____O
...because I know I won't make a good mother for now. I am not committed to be one yet.
A lot of my attached friends are planning to get married in 3 years time, while me on the other hand, am planning to feed leaves to the girraffes in Africa or sand boarding somewhere in the world in 3 years time.
But looking at those baby photos makes me feel that I would like to have one now. Maybe this is another syndrome of my so-called quarter life crisis. Rite?
September 25, 2008
Never ever
One reason why I like to blog here.
It seems like there's a magical power within this blog that will help me whenever I felt I am in a mess.
That girl didn't give me any information that I need for the contract. So I google-ed for the company and I found it and I sent them a mail and I am looking forward for their reply tomorrow. I am now in a never-give-up-even-you-have-to-eat-bread-for-one-whole-month mood.
As for the school, I will again give them a call and I will then see what will happen after that. So for now I will deal with these 2 things first before I start to solve those remainding 7 problems.
People say my life is very interesting moving from one country to another or missing in action as much as I like. I think they will probably cry when they are in my shoe. The amount of things that happen in between are countless and only one thing that keeps me going... is only the never-give-up-even-you-have-to-eat-bread-for-one-whole-month motivation. The best part is to deal this alone when no one can help you. Sometimes I would really want to thank my parents for bringing me up this way of throwing me to the outside world without giving me any moral or financial support.
So for now, no matter what happen, I will be sticking to my never-give-up-even-you-have-to-eat-bread-for-one-whole-month motivation until I reach Berlin.
I know even when I reach Berlin, the house will give me problems and a lot of other problems. That's another chapter of my life, so just wait and see.
I will never-give-up-even-I-have-to-eat-bread-for-one-whole-month!!!
It seems like there's a magical power within this blog that will help me whenever I felt I am in a mess.
That girl didn't give me any information that I need for the contract. So I google-ed for the company and I found it and I sent them a mail and I am looking forward for their reply tomorrow. I am now in a never-give-up-even-you-have-to-eat-bread-for-one-whole-month mood.
As for the school, I will again give them a call and I will then see what will happen after that. So for now I will deal with these 2 things first before I start to solve those remainding 7 problems.
People say my life is very interesting moving from one country to another or missing in action as much as I like. I think they will probably cry when they are in my shoe. The amount of things that happen in between are countless and only one thing that keeps me going... is only the never-give-up-even-you-have-to-eat-bread-for-one-whole-month motivation. The best part is to deal this alone when no one can help you. Sometimes I would really want to thank my parents for bringing me up this way of throwing me to the outside world without giving me any moral or financial support.
So for now, no matter what happen, I will be sticking to my never-give-up-even-you-have-to-eat-bread-for-one-whole-month motivation until I reach Berlin.
I know even when I reach Berlin, the house will give me problems and a lot of other problems. That's another chapter of my life, so just wait and see.
I will never-give-up-even-I-have-to-eat-bread-for-one-whole-month!!!
September 24, 2008
Major Headache
I am having a really great headache now.
I have never encountered so many problems dealing with things like this ever in my life.
First the person in charge of renting the house to me, is very irresponsible. Why? Because she didn't reply my emails and sms. And also the place looks very...hmm...how do I say this...messy? It's okay with the great cleaning power of my friend's hand, she will turn this house squeaky clean and with the great bargaining power of mine, hopefully I will be able to turn this place into a comfortable and more "live-able" place with better furniture and utensils.
Second, that damn school haven't replied my emails aswell regarding the deposit payment that I have made last week. When I called the office in Berlin yesterday, she said that the person in charge is on holiday and will be back today. And when I ask my friend to called today, that same woman said that she will be on holiday till next week. What is this?
Thirdly, without the letter from that school, I won't be able to go to Germany on time due to my Visa application.
Fourthly, since my bosses haven't pay me yet, looks like I will have to eat bread till they pay me.
Fifthly, without the letter, I won't be able to get student price flight ticket to Germany. And so now I will have to wait till I get that damn letter.
Sixthly, when I am having so many things in my mind, some people just love to annoy me and make me angry. So, yeah, now I am still being patient.
Seventhly, my Fixed Deposit is stuck there until end of this month, which means I will have to eat more bread to survive.
Eigthly, with the magical power of stress, one big pimple popped out and this is the largest pimple I have ever got in my whole entire life on my face. It's no only painful but it is also very big and makes me even uglier. So now, when I woke up, I look at myself in the mirror, I see a ghost, which makes me even sadder.
So now, I am goign to eat more bread and have more pimples popping out while waiting for that damn letter to arrive, that girl to reply me and my bosses to pay me.
I have never encountered so many problems dealing with things like this ever in my life.
First the person in charge of renting the house to me, is very irresponsible. Why? Because she didn't reply my emails and sms. And also the place looks very...hmm...how do I say this...messy? It's okay with the great cleaning power of my friend's hand, she will turn this house squeaky clean and with the great bargaining power of mine, hopefully I will be able to turn this place into a comfortable and more "live-able" place with better furniture and utensils.
Second, that damn school haven't replied my emails aswell regarding the deposit payment that I have made last week. When I called the office in Berlin yesterday, she said that the person in charge is on holiday and will be back today. And when I ask my friend to called today, that same woman said that she will be on holiday till next week. What is this?
Thirdly, without the letter from that school, I won't be able to go to Germany on time due to my Visa application.
Fourthly, since my bosses haven't pay me yet, looks like I will have to eat bread till they pay me.
Fifthly, without the letter, I won't be able to get student price flight ticket to Germany. And so now I will have to wait till I get that damn letter.
Sixthly, when I am having so many things in my mind, some people just love to annoy me and make me angry. So, yeah, now I am still being patient.
Seventhly, my Fixed Deposit is stuck there until end of this month, which means I will have to eat more bread to survive.
Eigthly, with the magical power of stress, one big pimple popped out and this is the largest pimple I have ever got in my whole entire life on my face. It's no only painful but it is also very big and makes me even uglier. So now, when I woke up, I look at myself in the mirror, I see a ghost, which makes me even sadder.
So now, I am goign to eat more bread and have more pimples popping out while waiting for that damn letter to arrive, that girl to reply me and my bosses to pay me.
September 22, 2008
!@#$%^
If I have the chance:
1) I would really love to chop some annoying and troublesome people into pieces and feed it to the dogs.
2) I would not want to come back here. I would wanna spend every single 4-6 months in a new country till I die. If not I will die sooner before my expiry date.
3) I would really love to slap some people on the spot but being me of course, I have never slap anyone before, so it's nearly impossible to do so. But I wanted to slap someone so badly now. I am fumingly furious that my head is going to burst soon and my blood is boiling.
I am indeed ANGRY and FURIOUS
1) I would really love to chop some annoying and troublesome people into pieces and feed it to the dogs.
2) I would not want to come back here. I would wanna spend every single 4-6 months in a new country till I die. If not I will die sooner before my expiry date.
3) I would really love to slap some people on the spot but being me of course, I have never slap anyone before, so it's nearly impossible to do so. But I wanted to slap someone so badly now. I am fumingly furious that my head is going to burst soon and my blood is boiling.
I am indeed ANGRY and FURIOUS
September 20, 2008
OMG...my stomach is going to burst soon.
I went out with my best buddy just now for Korean food and we eat non-stop from 8 pm-ish till about 10 pm-ish. I felt so full right now and I feel like I am carrying a heavy load inside my tummy.
We did eat like a man. We had a lot of side-dishes and a lot of tea.
Too bad we didn't bring our camera with us, if not you can really see the amount of food we consume in a matter of 2 hours. It's pretty amazing. I am impressed with my performance of eating THAT much.
I think the table next to us must be thinking that, "These girls are mutants, look at the amount of food on their table".
Now I have to stop writing as I have a very important mission to settle.
.
.
.
.
.
THE TOILET
I went out with my best buddy just now for Korean food and we eat non-stop from 8 pm-ish till about 10 pm-ish. I felt so full right now and I feel like I am carrying a heavy load inside my tummy.
We did eat like a man. We had a lot of side-dishes and a lot of tea.
Too bad we didn't bring our camera with us, if not you can really see the amount of food we consume in a matter of 2 hours. It's pretty amazing. I am impressed with my performance of eating THAT much.
I think the table next to us must be thinking that, "These girls are mutants, look at the amount of food on their table".
Now I have to stop writing as I have a very important mission to settle.
.
.
.
.
.
THE TOILET
September 19, 2008
Hunting
My stomach still feels very funny today. Like I said, serves me right. I shouldn't have eaten so muchhhhhh T__T
My aunt was pretty nice today, she bought me a Calvin Klein Jacket and a pair of sleeping pants. And that mischievous nephew of mine is also pretty nice today pestering his mother to let me have lunch at their house but I can't make it because I have got tonnes of things to do today.
I am still looking for a house in Berlin. My budget is Euro 500 and it must have internet and a decent kitchen. Without the kitchen I will cry. Without internet I will be lifeless. I don't mind if there're no bed and a mattress will do. Internet is more important than my bed or my toilet. Actually toilet is also important. But a clean one will do. And a washing machine will be perfect.
Hmm...now that my friend is joining me to Berlin, I felt happier. At least she can cook better than me and her hobby is washing clothes and cleaning the house because she said by doing so it relieves all her stresses. And hopefully my another friend will be able to make it there as well. She also loves cooking. Looks like all my friends loves cooking but I love my laptop and internet and also not forgetting my camera more than any other thing in the world.
I am still waiting for that letter from Berlin. Damn. All my life I have been waiting for letters and etc etc. Patience is the word.....Patience....
My aunt was pretty nice today, she bought me a Calvin Klein Jacket and a pair of sleeping pants. And that mischievous nephew of mine is also pretty nice today pestering his mother to let me have lunch at their house but I can't make it because I have got tonnes of things to do today.
I am still looking for a house in Berlin. My budget is Euro 500 and it must have internet and a decent kitchen. Without the kitchen I will cry. Without internet I will be lifeless. I don't mind if there're no bed and a mattress will do. Internet is more important than my bed or my toilet. Actually toilet is also important. But a clean one will do. And a washing machine will be perfect.
Hmm...now that my friend is joining me to Berlin, I felt happier. At least she can cook better than me and her hobby is washing clothes and cleaning the house because she said by doing so it relieves all her stresses. And hopefully my another friend will be able to make it there as well. She also loves cooking. Looks like all my friends loves cooking but I love my laptop and internet and also not forgetting my camera more than any other thing in the world.
I am still waiting for that letter from Berlin. Damn. All my life I have been waiting for letters and etc etc. Patience is the word.....Patience....
September 18, 2008
Painnnn
I am lying on my bed typing this.
My stomach is reacting in such a weird way that I can't walk or talk normally.
Serves me right.
Too much food today.
My stomach is reacting in such a weird way that I can't walk or talk normally.
Serves me right.
Too much food today.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)