It's a hope, just a hope

It's the feeling.

I don't know how to tell you this but it's about my feelings. I know I am bad in this. Bad in expressing my feelings. Especially when it involved someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Finally I said it. I wanna spend the rest of my life with him. Gosh. I would never say this.

And today I did something funny:

He asked, "Ever thought about marrying me?"
I said spontaneously, "Yes and have kids."

This is a surprise. I never knew I want to have kids and get married.

He had put me in hell for the past few weeks. But I determine to go on even when he lied to me that he's already married. He said, that's only to test my faith.

I really hope this is not triggered by the fact that I am here and that I am lonely.

I have let down enough tears with my past and I hope this will not leave me in tears again.

Life is complicated. Everything is complicated. I felt like a aimless arrow sometimes. I have given up a few times but crawled back to face the world. Due to contrary beliefs that I am happy here, WRONG. I tried to be happy despite all the shit. I hope I will have a good ending with this one. Really, I really do. I really really do. I am tired of conquering the world. Tired of being alone, tired of having to go through every other without any meaning. Tired of being in and out of relationships. Tired of being an object for some certain people. Tired of my problems. I want my crystal ball so that I could see if he's really THE ONE for me.