Dreammaker

To the one who created dreams for people when we're all asleep:

Please...I beg you. Please do not let me have anymore nightmare like people dying in front of me or getting pregnant out of no where. And also please do not include those people that I miss dearly in my dreams as I don't want it to end. It will no doubt makes me more miserable after that. I felt the pain even when I am asleep. Lack of sleep is another thing, now with terrible dreams like this, I cannot be myself once I woke up.

A few minutes ago, I woke up with a weird dream. Someone I missed dearly was in it. I don't want it to end. It was such a wonderful feeling to be able to meet him back in such a weird way. I was literally on cloud 9, even when the dream was filled with loadsa lawyers and a lot of travelling inside a tour bus. It was more like an adventure, but an adventure with him makes a hell loadsa difference. I am not sure where I am in that dream. I was indeed happy as he did appear as my partner-in-crime.

I woke up without telling him that,"I will never ever let you go again and I will never allow you to dissapear in front of me ever again." I really wish that I have said that. But it was too late. I should have said that before we parted. Why am I such a fool?

Why do you have to create such a dream to torture my soul. Mental torture is much more painful than physical torture, don't you think?

I am afraid to sleep back. I am afraid to go back to sleep. I am afraid to have dreams. I am afraid to wake up again with tears.

Please...no more nightmare okay?


xox
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Maybe someone's right. Maybe I do need some TLC sometime or somehow in my life. I have been patient enough to go through the ruthless days as a university student and also as a faithful worker for nearly 3 years without realising that I am getting older and lonelier. It may look like I have loadsa friends around me, a lot, but I am all alone most of the time. Without having a life. I have no life. All I have is tonnes of work and work and work. I am tired. I am finally tired of running errands for people, tired of putting a happy face even if I am not.

Some may say,"You're different, you get money by doing so." Yes we do need money to survive but not to the extend of literally not having a life. Money don't buy happiness, they just buy things that temporary make you happy. And then...that's the end of it when you're bored with the things you bought. To me at least. One moment I have someting that will make people envy or jealous, the next thing I know, it will be filled with dust and that's it. That's not happy. That is wasting resources. Using money own temporary happiness is just so wrong.

This is getting worse each day, after each event. After each event where you have to smile and smile and smile for no reason. People say,"It's good for you to build a good rapport for your future." Yeah...good rapport. To me good rapport is partying all night long 24/7 without having to think of the next "commercialized best thing" that you have to say.

I have been thinking...thinking of what I am going to do next with my life on the way home just now, after another event at the university. I am LOST.

Tomorrow will be another day of smilling and smilling and more smilling even when I don't feel like it. Smilling and making other people happy. Who will make me happy?

The only person who can make me happy right now is the person who wanted to catch me a duck, the person who covered my eyes and asked me not to peep at the white labrador peeing and also the one who tells me that everyting going to be alright with a great bear hug.