I will grow old alone and unwanted

It's nearly 2am and I m still here in front of the PC thinking of my future. Can't sleep, just had 3 cups of tea. Dang! Shouldn't have tea...no caffein, no coffee, no alcohol...I'm sleepless. Looking back at my past, I felt weird...very weird indeed, in fact I m not sure what made me hold on to life.

- I've tried commiting suicide before when I was 17. Had a terrible fight with my parents, nearly lose the faith to live on. But someone saved me indirectly because I promised to accompany him to a live forum. And since I don't like to ffk people, I decided to go and it indirectly saved me from being buried 6 feet under.

- I had a bad childhood. My parents brought me up in a wrong way. By mentioning money and finances to me when I'm still in my diapers. I think I can even become an economist when I was 7. I know the meaning of begging and that's why I m working hard right now to be financially independent as soon as possible. I just wanna own my own roof and wheels. I hope my children don't have to go through what I had been through. It's been a rough ride for me. In fact the bad memories will stay for life.

- When I was in a relationship, I was not ready for it at first. It happen kinda quick. I was only 18 then. Never before I thought I would be in such a deep relationship. It taught me a lot though. I m much more stronger now despite of what happened. Why do I say I would grow old alone and unwanted? That's because no one so far who could resist my bad temper when I m really down, I could drive anyone up the wall. Luckily it only happen once a while. When my stress level is beyond the point, I can't control myself. I was in a long distance relationship, my then boyfriend didn't do me any good. I hardly talk to him, I've got no one to talk to, my best buddy was sent to a very far place to continue her studies. So my only way to alleviate my stress is to work and work and work. How pathetic. I go crazy sometimes. it's bad. I need a counsellor.

- During my schooltime, I always sleep or talk in class. I never did my homework. I copy my homework 15 mins before I hand it in. Even my Physics experiments, I just copy and paste. I dunno how I survive my SPM. I don't know how I managed to go for my Form 6. And again, in Form 6, I m the "Ponteng Queen". My attendence is the lowest in class. My class teacher knew that I'm hopeless. I sleep more in class ever than before because I had to work the night before. My Form 6 Maths book never existed. My Economics teacher is the only one who had some hope on me. Some. At least she had some. My STPM result is the poorest among my friends. Then I got a place in UM. University of Malaya. Everybody's dream to be in there. Being in here changed my life. I started to do my homework and study for my exams. At least better than the old me. But then my lecturer always said that this course had the most percentage of failures, not only in UM but the whole Malaysia. And then again...I m lost.

- I'm anti social sometimes. I like to be alone. I hate crowds. I hate to talk. That's when I m having another dillema. I can't seem to focus on my studies/work. I've got endless problems with people around me.

There's no good in me. I don't know why I m still here. I'm just wasting some of the earth's space and air. Am I having AMS (After Menstrual Syndrome)??? I wonder...