Back

Finally! I am back. Back home and also back to the Internet. Like real Internet.

Although I was online but the past few days but it was spent without being in front of my laptop but to pack, pack and clean. I am glad it's over.

After hours and hours of being Hercules carry more than 50kgs of luggage from Berlin to Frankfurt and then to Dubai and then back to Kuala Lumpur. I am finally back and tired. Really tired. Although I am really tired but I am typing this at 3.30am as I am having jet-lag.

Everything still looks the same, smells the same and taste the same. I finally realized that the one who have changed is me but not the things here.

I guessed it's time to start over a new phrase of life again. And this time is gonna be so different.

I received a letter from the uni that I have applied. And yes, I have to be there before the 30th of March 2009, which is making me a bit uncomfortable now. I can't decide if this is really what I want. But this is what I wanted all these while. That was before I know I have grown old.

Anyhow, I think I will probably go for it. Some people asked me not to forgo this chance as it doesn't comes easily like rain from the sky. I guess I will be okay doing this alone although my friend has decided not to go this time. It's time for her to build a new family and it's time for me to improve myself.

Hmm...wind oh wind...where shall' thou bring me?

On the other side of happiness

Hmm...I came with 40kgs and I am going back with 45kgs. Where the hell did the 5kgs come from?

Okay, I finished all my food from Malaysia. I am supposed to be left with 20kgs only. But now it's 25kgs extra. Where the hell did I get that 25kgs extra?

I am going to faint right now. Lugging 45kgs is like lugging a standard size girl from Berlin to Frankfurt and then to Dubai and then to Kuala Lumpur. Oh my shit.

Hmm...as far as I can remember, I did not buy as much things as last year and I only buy a few pieces of clothings. When I say a few, it's less than 5. And only a pair of shoes. And nothing else.

I am really going to faint right now. I am packing halfway and I have stuffed 32kgs into my big bag alone and it's amazing how I managed that.

Hmm...again...I am repacking again tonight.

-----------------------------------------------

Looks like being targetless hits my quater life crisis again. Everyday when I woke up, I am in dilemma. Apart from missing some people in my life, I need to adapt myself again back home and after that to a whole new place depending where the wind will bring.

Yes, I am now sure that if I have the offer from the university, I will definately jump on the bandwagon. That's the only thing I can do now. I am thinking of the bright side of the whole thing. Very bright side. I am being very very positive now. Won't be that bad living in a small town. Won't be that bad without entertainment. Won't be that bad being alone in a small place. Won't be that tough to go through the winter again. Won't be that bad to miss some people.

Yeap. I am ready for it. It's not going to be easy but it's not going to be super duper hard either. It's the brain that controls the mind. So stay positive will be okay I guess.

------------------------------------------

One day, I woke up. Saw myself in the mirror. I looked old. I need anti-aging cream at the age of 23. How sad. Okay. I shall stop now.

Stay happy and be happy.

World without me

Everyone sleeps so early nowadays.
Everyone is so busy nowadays.
Everyone is so different nowadays.

Is it because the world is moving rapidly without me or the other way round?

Should be me being the sloth and other people are way way ahead of me in many many ways.

Probably it is...

You can sacrifice, I can too

This is a quote from a friend of mine on her MSN. Wow.

I am impressed. I use to sacrifice a lot for the people I love. Not anymore. Maybe for the ones I really really love and dearest to me, maybe I will.

Bravo my friend. I am not as sacrificial as you. But you have my applaud.
------------------------------------

Hmmm...today has been a boring day. I stayed at home. Yeap, on a Saturday, watched TV and washed dishes.

My friend went out on a date today and she said, sometimes, some things happen when you are in the right time and the right place. Yes, I totally agreed with that.

She said, if she met this guy earlier than the one back home, she will like this one a lot. But too bad, she has found her one back home.

And I told her the same thing. If I don't go to Portugal on that particular day, I won't meet him. And I won't mess up my life once again because of him. But then, I am afraid to have another long distance relationship.

-----------------------------------

Okay, on the serious note. I really should list down the things I have to do when I go back. Just incase I forget.

1. Apply for visa
2. Meet up with everyone
3. Clear the air with him (clear everything up, no misunderstandings, no tears involved)
4. Talk to my parents about my blurness, plans and etc. (I usually fight with them more than having peaceful talk. I think peaceful talk rarely exist but anyhow I shall try...)
5. Have a haircut. I need a haircut badly.
6. Clear my bills. Wooo...going broke.
7. Do my homework given by my very nice lecturer who agreed to watch over my grammar for 2 months. FOC. I wonder what he is up too. Too nice to be true.
8. Clean the house. The house has been empty for too long. And yes, I will be living alone again.
9. Clean-up my contact list. Yes, I am deleting people whom I think meaningless to me. Don't worry my friends, you will stay in my list. I need to delete those useless people on my list. No regrets for that.
10. Exercise. I need to exercise badly.
11. Sort out some work stuff.

I think that's what I can do for now. I can't think of anything. As usual, I will become a bit stupid once I get back home. I don't know why. But this is the thing I can't avoid.

Till then...

Nonsense

Ahhh...I felt so much better today.

In less than 10 days I will be back to my own country. But this time, my Chinese New Year will be very different from the previous ones. All my family members are all spreaded out in various places and it's gonna be different. I am sensing that we are losing the tradition rather than gathering family members around for this important event.

And I am pretty busy this week and next week meeting up with all my friends, attending gatherings and stuff because I know we will miss each other, especially the time we spent together in class.

Did I mention anything before about my language teacher? I think no. Long story. The conclusion is, ahh...another long story.

Anyhow, I would really wanna start my life somewhere else other than going back to Malaysia. I am happier outside Malaysia even Malaysia is like heaven to me for food and such. But I am emotionally healthier in other places.

Time to think what I wanna do next.

Bye bye

Wooohooo...I am breaking-up/ dumping someone/ ignoring someone/ whatever it is...

I don't give a damn anymore. I know it's not gonna last, it's not gonna work. I lose faith once again. So, I should just forget about it and go different direction. It seems like every year I have been doing the same thing. Whatcha gonna say about me? A bitch? Come on...

It's not easy being me. It's not easy being in my shoes.

Once again ladies and gentlemen, I am single.

I have only one thing in my mind right now. A master's degree that is. My short-term goal.

Great. Exactly a month ago I met him. And now it's time to let go after a month later. Goodbye.

After this blog entry, I am going to start a new life. Hmmm...it's not going to be easy but once again, it had happened before. So, that shall be it.

I am damn tired of these shit right now, I just want to sleep.

Goodnight. Damn it.

Before I forget

Okay, now, I shall continue with my story. The one I left hanging a few days back.

So, we were on our way to Coimbra with the intercity train. All we did during the journey was talk, talk, draw, talk, joke, talk, learn Latin, talk, drink, eat, laugh, talk, draw, talk, learn more Latin. Yeah, pretty boring I know. But we are excited with our linguistics discoveries with the Portuguese language. And how the language change and how Latin influenced the Romantic languages.

I know nuts about Latin. I regretted that I told him that. That is when he started to search for Latin ebooks on his iPod and I have to listen to it for about half an hour. I understand nothing. But being courteous, I just stuck them to my ears and listen. Like a teacher, he asked me about the things I know in linguistics and relate it to Latin. Oh my gawddd...I was like...so out of school but I tried nevertheless.

"I am stupid, don't ask me. I always sleep in class and it is a wonder that I graduated."
"You are not stupid. You are smart. Don't be so humble."
"I am telling the truth."

But in the end, I finally know the advantage of knowing Latin. So many words yet so little time.

About 12 midnight we finally reached our destination in Coimbra B. Crazy. It was cold and we were in another station. I was supposed to meet up with my friend in Coimbra A station. It is about a kilometre from Coimbra B. And as you know, Coimbra is indeed a very small town. Everything was closed and we were lost. All we did was, with our broken French, Spanish, Latin and whatever languages we both know combined together, we asked the nearest living Portuguese for direction. A security guard that is. And luckily, he knows where we want to go but we don't understand a single thing he said. But we know we have to walk along the road fromt he way his hands moved. So we did.

"I am glad that you let me go with you."
"Go with me to where?"
"Here!"
"Jeez, why are you so glad? We are lost now."
"I am happy to be lost with you."
"Crazy. No one will be happy to be lost with me. No one likes to be lost in some unknown place."
"But I like to be lost with you. It's so fun to be with you."
"Pfuuuuuhhhh...WHAT? Crazy!"
"I like you."
"O_o...Okay, I don't want to talk to you."

He knows I am pretty upset being lost. Dragging my luggage, looking sad, with my cellphone battery dead on me. I wanted to just give up looking for my friend's place and stay some where else.

He asked me to stay in a place while he go look for the right direction. And when he came back, he has breathing difficulties because of his asthma. OH MY GAWD!!! Asthma!!! Why on earth did he not tell me about this? I was scared to death when he reached for his inhaler. Never in my life I know about asthma, I don't even know how an inhaler looks like in real life. I was really shocked. I was speechless and I felt guilty. Really really guilty.

I mean he has asthma partly because of me. Because I was fed-up being lost and he went to somewhere and suddenly his asthma came attacking. That was when my heart fell on the floor being in that situation. SHIT!

What he did was a very selfless act. I appreciated that. Somehow, I grew to care more for the people around me after that incident. I was brought up in a very cold family. I.e. not knowing much about caring and loving other people as money is more important than blood.

As we walk, I kept on asking, "Are you okay, are you okay?" Another part of me doesn't care anymore if he tells me that he likes me a lot and so on and all the nonsense that I have heard endlessly for the past few years where people say they like me like the passing wind.

After about 30 minutes of walking, we stopped and a group of drunken girls came up to him and flirted with him. He panicked. Being "attacked" by a group of girls in a small little town. I laughed. But I decided to leer off the girls in the end.

As usual, being protective. I told the girls that he's my english teacher and he comes with me. In a very stern but friendly way. And they get lost. That makes me a possesive bitch to be exact.

We waited at the same spot for my friend. I tried to on my cellphone, with hope that it has enough battery to make a simple call. As soon as I on my 99.99% dead cellphone, my friend called and I told her that we are near some stinky market. She knew the place. Thank god! And the battery went flat...really really flat.

Finally, I met up with my friend and it's so great to see her again after a few months. We hugged and I told her about him. She was shocked and excited at the same time, and she can't wait to listen to my stories. So the both of us stayed at her house and he was placed in another room.

"Are you not going to sleep with me?" he asked
"Don't you wish. I am of course going to sleep with my friend." I said.
"Awwwww....," he sighed.
"Don't ever dream about it. Haha." I said sarcastically.

Eventhough I was really tired, I told her everything that happened since I reached Lisbon. And she couldn't believe what she heard and said, "This is FATE." She updated me with her life and etc etc. I was shocked too. And said, "That's FATE."

The next morning, my friend left the both of us at home with a very grumpy old lady. She speaks only Portuguese and has hearing problem. She banged my door at around 8 am. Asking me to wake up to meet up with my friend at the university (from the body language and some keywords).

"Wake up, wake up, I need your help." I went beserk as I came in to his room.
"What?"
"Just come out when you are ready okay. I need your language abilility to communicate with the old woman."

The old lady was telling me something in her language and I couldn't understand a thing.

Her body language showed as if we have to go out and not stay inside the house. So we did.

We decided to go around the town as it is a better way. I think that we are actually being chased out of the place rather than any other thing.

We did some sightseeing around the small university town, to some small little narrow roads with loadsa shops.

In Portugal, there's this thing called the Sun which rarely exist in Berlin. The sun was shinning brightly and sometimes I couldn't see properly. I left my sunglasses at home and that's when I stopped walking halfway and wait for other people to cross first. "Stupid me, again and again I forgot my sunglasses. Damn it." I was mumbling that to myself. He is already in front and a lot of people made the gap between us.

A few moments later, he came to the back to get me. This time, pulling me away from the crowd and holding my hands.

I looked at him and I was stunned. Not that that's the first time someone ever hold my hand, but it's another kind of feeling.

"Your hands are so warm," he said
"Of course. I come from Malaysia. It's a warm country with warm people."
"That's why I like you."
I just smiled. I felt like a 13 year old again. It's like having a first crush.

He did not let go my hands even for a moment.

We went around the town for a few times and stopped at the university for lunch with my friend. And then we continued walking until we reached another part of the university. We stayed there and we chatted.

"You are always so cheerful and happy. Have you ever cried?"
"Why? You wanna see me cry?...Of course I do. I am human. In fact I cried more than you can imagine."
"I wouldn't wanna see you cry. It makes me feel sad."

That's when he asked a lot of questions about me. About my background, about my life, about everything. I just sat there and answered everything and I asked him back the things he asked me.

There are a few times where he tries to kiss me but I turned away. I turned away on purpose. I wouldn't want to be seen kissing in the university area. I am not playing hard to get. But I felt it's not a good place to do so.

So we went around the town and to the other side of the river. Sat on the stairs near an old church and start talking about everything.

"You are a romantic person aren't you?"
"No, I am not."
"Yes, you are. You are just avoiding to be romantic."
"Avoid? No. I will only be romantic to the right person I can be romantic with."

I knew he would ask me this as I avoided to be kiss by him nearly the whole day.

Then as we walked back, we reached another bank of the river. A very nice place to be and the sun is setting down. Watching sunset by the riverside with him.

I stood up as I wanted to snap a photo of the nice view. That's when he stood up and hug me from behind. I tried to shook his hands off but he said, "Stay still. Let's keep memories of this together."

He hugged me so tight sometimes I felt I couldn't move. It's like I-am-afraid-to-lose-you kinda hug. And he kissed my forehead. And slowly he turned in front of me and kissed me on my lips.

I cried. Tears were rolling down like the rain. I couldn't stop crying as I kissed him.

"Why are you crying? Please don't cry. You hurt my feelings too when you cry."

"Why should I not cry? Every time, the same thing happens. When I feel I like someone or found someone, I have to part with him. Just like last year. I am tired of being in such a situation. It hurts a lot, you know?"

"Owww...don't be. Please don't cry anymore."

My phone rang. My friend called and she was shocked why I sounded different. I told her that I will tell her everything after we meet after this.

"Look...there's always a way that we can keep in touch with each other. You can come to America and other way round. There's the internet. But of course it will be different with the internet."

"Let's not talk about this anymore. We'll see how it goes."

I kept silent during dinner. But I forced myself to smile and laugh and my friend's jokes. He knew I was not happy.

Then we spent time in the computer room with other students while waiting for my friend to come. He showed me his passport and started to tell me about his journey throughout the world. And he tries to cheer me up by choosing funny songs in his iPod for me to listen. I finally laugh and it's silly to be angry with him for such a long time.

Half an hour later, my friend came and we did some change to our travel plans as there are some disruptions. And then after that, 3 of us cramped together in a room, helping my friend to pack her things as she was fed-up living with the old lady and she's moving out the very next day. Drama eh? Well, that always happens.

We spent the time teaching him Chinese and Malay and malaysianizing him with our culture and food and with our very own malaysian flag. Everyting with Malaysia in it. Suddenly we are being very patriotic. And then he turned to me and say,"See, that's why I like you. Because you are from Malaysia." I laughed.

It was really late at night but he refuse to go back to his room. He said, "The time with you is getting lesser and lesser. I want to spend more time with you." But the time and place doesn't allow us to do so as my girlfriend was quite emotional that time due to her problems with her landlady. And we tried to console her in every way we can. Another way of spending time with me is to be with my problems or what I am indirectly involved with. Nevertheless he still get to spend some quality time with me.

A bowl of mixed feeling

I am happy
I am sad
I am dissapointed
I am glad
I am worried
I am fine
I am great
I am not

Whatever it is, I wish to speak to someone now.

When life is getting more and more meaningless

...that's when we have no more hope/expectation/the will to pursue what we want to pursue

These few days I felt like a wrecked ship. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's the decision that I have to make in less than 6 days now. Or maybe I am avoiding the reality.

Life here is great. Life back in Malaysia is great too. Living my life elsewhere is great too. Just like in San Francisco or Lisbon...ahhhh...but not Madrid or Milan.

The question is where I wanna be now? And where I wanna be in the near future and where I wanna be forever and ever?

What do I want?
Simple. I wanna be happy.

What makes you happy (other than food)?
Being around with the people I love and traveling.

Career?
Good question. I have the tendency to work freelance than to be stuck inside the office from 9-5. Anything but sitting inside a cubicle is good.

Anything else?
I am feeling damn down right now, I need to talk to someone desperately. Seriously, I miss home.

Decisions

If I say YES:

- I will be leaving my home country for 3 consecutive years
- My pocket will bleed a bit more
- I will come back with another degree
- I will be REALLY out of the country leaving everyone behind, having to start a new life again in a foreign place.
- I will be nearer to the person I wanna be with (what a joke...he is still miles and miles away in another continent)
- I will miss my family and friends (especially during the cold winter)
- I miss my dog so much I want them to send him over here. I miss my dog more than anyone in my family. I know he misses me too since I am the one who feeds him with junkies...
- I will grow an inch smarter, wiser, more matured, more educated, more independent

If I say NO:

- I will be probably the stupidest homosapien on earth, to forgo a chance of a lifetime to study in the university where Karl Marx, Kurt Tucholsky, Gottfried Leibniz once studied.
- I will be forever and ever in Malaysia
- My pocket won't bleed as much
- I will be lost again
- I will be close to my family and friends (although they will say that doesn't make any difference since I am always "away")
- I will probably move to another country other than Germany
- I will probably work in yet another consulting firm opening doors and closing doors in Malaysia
- I can have all the nice food in Malaysia

I have 7 days to decide on this. A YES or a NO?