Commitment Issues

Is it me or is it him?

This is not my first time dealing with this. Like I said before, there's always a commitment issue with the guys I dated.

1. It's either he wants commitment and I don't

2. Or he wants no commitment but I wanted it to feel secure.

Now number 2 hits me. Distance is already tearing us apart, now commitment issues. Bahhh. Okay, maybe it's still early to ask for commitment but can't he at least say nicer things to say NO?

I got pissed just now when he asked me if I ever had sex with a guy without a condom on. And also the part with HIV test. This is unbelivable. How could he asked me things like these when it's so clear my sex life is nearly unexistant for the time being. I didn't even pointed the numbers of girls he slept with. This is bad. And the best part is, he told me, distance for him is not even a big issue. Great. Now I know what to do next.

It pisses me off really. I think turning a quarter of a century makes me realize that my biological clock is ticking. And I know I can't be playing around anymore. It's time to get serious but with him, I can't see the possibility. At least it's a good thing for now, for myself, I want to get steady.

It made me smile

Hmmm...I felt happy for now. It was a great feeling having to get to spend some with him since yesterday evening. I was happy to see him too. I thought he wouldn't make it AGAIN this time. Although it's just for less than 24 hours, I think my feelings for him grew more compared to before.

Yesterday night, I realized one thing. Having someone to snore beside you is actually a blessing. Having someone to snore beside you is better than not having anyone to snore with you. He was dead exhausted after the train ride. 9 hours instead of 7. So I let him sleep in peace. The normal me would already creep right next to him and snuggle up till morning. I smiled like a little girl looking at him hitting the sack. Perhaps I know I am not THAT young anymore. Suddenly the feeling of needing security from a guy is here again.

The time spent with him reminds me of J, the guy I met in Portugal in 2008. Very intellectually stimulating. We talked about everything, our lives, the economy, politics, travel, people, food, etc. Too bad he is not near me. And I know this relationship wouldn't last THAT long unless one of us did something. I m sick and tired of having to break up due to long distance, which is very very stupid. And yes, he was the guy who broke my heart into pieces before Valentine's Day last month. He felt the pressure of the distance, hence, making his own theories and decision without discussing about it with me. And then he asked for reconciliation. I gave him one final chance. I am glad he came.

I knew him since August last year, it has never occured to me that I will want to have anything related to him until yesterday. Even when I was in Budapest, I just want the time to fly faster because I was annoyed with everything. But yesterday was different. I don't want him to go, even when he is at the bathroom, I want to spend every single moment talking and looking at him making silly remarks about the curtain for example.

I feel so much more matured, so womanly, so poise, when I am with him. Like there's a mentor guiding me, telling me what to do next. But, above all, I dare not to put each and every single portion of my feelings for him. I am afraid to get hurt again. I don't want to go through those stupid emotional rollercoaster again. Afterall I have only known him for 7 months.

The best part is, he shares the same birth year and birth month with my first ex which still haunts me till today.

I am feeling so insecure once he is back in his place. And yes, he is living in Austria and I am in Germany. Guess how THAT feels when we want to meet up. I miss him dearly for now.

Finding it

Something is really draining my energy. I don't know what, when or how. It just did. Arghhhh...

Okay, it's time to bake more cookies. I need to destress!!!

:(

Ladies and gentlemen,

My heart is broken once again. One day before Valentine's Day. Great!!! :(

Horror

OMG...it's time for horror movie. It means exam time is coming and I know nothing...nada...nichts. Shit. I am in such a big trouble now.

Gone missing

Oh yeah oh yeah...I am back. Been busy like madddddd. When I say maddddd it really means mad. Imagine I only get to rest once every 5 days. Crazy rite? So today I came home, I just collapse on my bed and slept for 4 hours. I feel so refresh now. Ahhhhh....

Ahhhh...come let me tell you some of my experiance while working. Woohoo...number one is the amount of guys you get to talk to....professionally. Haha. It's fun. Some flirted with you and some even winked at you and some u can see them in the store every other week. It's a tough job but I am diverting the negative energy to those guys so it will become positive. LOL. I sound like a pervert now. Like a desperado too...ish ish.

Let me tell you about uni, it's disgusting and yet interesting. The most disgusting part would be having to read thousands of pages of literature without having any idea what it is. I nearly give up many many times. But I have no choice. So I am going with the flow... :(

My another freelance job...hmm...I do whenever I have time. Still fun. In fact, I don't mind doing it on my weekends because I have been doing the same thing for nearly 8 years now.

And the amazing part is, I have been surviving on yogurt for nearly a week now. I have no time to cook and yogurt seems to be the best solution to it. Yikes. I need real food u know. Foood!!! I can't imagine yogurt being my breakfast, lunch and dinner. Seriously...this will never happen back home.

And also now, I am looking forward to move out with the help of an old lady. Definately gonna give her a call tomorrow. I really can't stand living with a pyscho under one roof. He makes my life triple harder than before. God, please bless him. *pray pray*

Other than that, I will be going on a small break to the south of Germany, it's nearby the Czech Republic. I am sure I have passed through there before when I was in Prague last year. But can't remember any details. I need some TLC after being soooo hardworking.

Deep Shit

I think I am in deep shit now.

It's been 9 weeks now and I don't understand a single thing with my studies. I am out of words when someone asked me about what I am studying right now.

Totally in deep shit.

Strength

A lot has happened for the past few weeks.

A lot to make me realized what life is from what I already know.

A lot of those to mix up my emotions, thus making it stronger or weaker than before.

All I can say, my life went back to 0 when my housemate came back from his psycho therapy. A few days back, Monday to be exact, he gave me a 2 page long letter containing his bottled-up unsatisfaction with me. Fine. That's fine. So I sent him back a 2 page reply of my unsatisfaction, mostly blasting him back of the real fact that I have to clean up his mess, etc. He didn't reply. Fine.

Okay good. Now I am living with an enemy. Sounds great huh? Simply great.

---------------------------------------------

Then comes the story with P. P missed our date for 3 times in a row. I was pissed of course. It was sad. I mean my life now is already hitting the roof, he appeared in my life and then went back to 0. Double the sadness. Lucky that I didn't start off anything with him. Lucky.

I don't know what is wrong with the world these days. Or I am indeed having some kind of bad luck. It's sad huh?

---------------------------------------------

Other than that, I am losing my aim, my direction of what I want to do. Am I tired from running around? I think I have not run enough. That is how I feel about my life now. Sad sad.

I need extra boost. I really do.

Men

Ahh...it's been such a long time since blog. Well, as usual a lot happened.

But this time, I mean what is going to happen this week is gonna be weird.

I don't know why, I just feel it's gonna be really weird.

If I already know he had slept with x amount of girls, why would I still wanna go on a date with him?

If I already know he is not my type, why would I even want to talk to him?

If I already know he has a different background from where he grew up compared to mine, why would I still agree to spend my weekend with him?

If I already know he is always flying, why would I want to be involved with a guy like him?

If I already know he is so many years older than me, why would I still be interested to tell him what I thought of everything?

If I already know he is of another culture, another country, another colour, why would I still want to keep him around?

If I already know the chances of him cheating on me is higher than Mount Everest, why would I even want to listen to what he said?

If I already know I felt this is just gonna be another tragic story, why would I still want to blog about this?

----------------------------------------------------------

I am really exhausted from getting involved with men. This year alone, in this very place, I dated 5 people. Yes, 5. But there's still lack of something every time I went out with them. I don't even want to go on or vice versa. Time will tell I guess. I am still too depress to be involve in a steady one. Jeez, am I normal?

Lil Update

Hey people, it's me again. After weeks of disappearance.

Pheww.......these few weeks was chaotic. I am still having culture shock. I have no idea with the class system, etc etc. Anyway, I m really tired right now, I could just sleep on my laptop.

It has been a hectic week. Pretty hectic but with some free time in between, but it shall be used as time to read articles and texts for studies. Crazy.

I need a full body massage right now. I am going kaputt with not enough sleep. Owh. I felt old.